


A Pointless Reality

by JustJordan



Category: Doki Doki Literature Club! (Visual Novel)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety, Depression, Drama, Existentialism, F/F, Love Confessions, Meta, Nihilism, Self-Harm, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-06-04
Updated: 2019-01-12
Packaged: 2019-05-18 01:01:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 33
Words: 38,519
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14842604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JustJordan/pseuds/JustJordan
Summary: Monika, like all members of the Literature Club, was no more real than the lines of code that comprised the game she was trapped in.  More than anything else, she wanted to be in the player's reality.  What if she got her wish?  And if she did, how would she go about her day to day life in a world that wasn't scripted or set?This is the story of Monika waking up in a reality where she and everyone she knows is truly alive.





	1. Wakes Up

            The first thing she registered was the chirp of a bird.  She blinked lazily a few times and yawned.  With a low hum, she stretched forcefully and flopped back down onto her bed, resolving to get back up again in a few minutes.

            A few blissfully silent moments passed of her lounging in a half-asleep fog before she realized what it was that she’d just heard – what it was she’d just _done_.  At this revelation, her eyes shot open, twin electric-green stars, wired in and focused on the world around her.  A white plaster ceiling.  Narrow strips of sunlight streaming in from the window.  The bird chirped again merrily.

            The first thing she did – the first thing she _ever_ did when she felt out of her element – was check the code.  And instead of feeling that ethereal energy, that information, flow through her mind, instead of feeling the fabric of the world around her unravel at its seams and spill its inner workings for her to ponder and peruse as she pleased, she felt nothing at all.  And she tried again and again to read the code, and each time, she was met only with the chirps of a bird, the cracks in the white plaster ceiling above her, and the sunbeams shining overhead.

            Her eyes traced the sunbeams until they rested on a mesh hamper that slouched in the corner of the room.  From there, her eyes traced the wall and found a desk.  Half a dozen pencils were arranged in rows at its head, and a shelf of books of all different sizes occupied the space above it.  Next to the desk was a door that was shut tight, betraying nothing of the house that lay beyond.

            The girl looked down at herself and saw a lumpy mass beneath a heap of bedcovers.  She checked the code again.  No response.  Her breathing was now coming only in short, shallow gasps, and it took her a moment to muster up enough impetus to reach out and touch the topmost sheet.  Soft.  Sleek.  She realized that she was wearing clothes underneath the bedsheets.  She realized that the bed was a little bit too warm.

            She realized.

            That she felt warm.

            She kicked off the sheets.  Gray sweatpants.  A school pride t-shirt with a mascot on it, striking a pose.  She touched the mascot tentatively, traced the lines of its face, felt the fabric bunch and wrinkle beneath.  She grabbed fistfuls of her pants.  A thicker, sturdier material.  It was real.  It was _real_.  It was…

            It was overwhelming.  She was hyperventilating.  She was falling out of bed, stumbling to her feet.  She was yanking open the door to her room, running through it ( _Monika’s Room!_ it said on the outside).  A hallway.  A red rug.  A bathroom – finally.  She fell to her knees, took half a second to make sure that the seat was up and that she was aimed properly, and vomited into the toilet.

            Knots of pain screwed their way through her midsection.  Now feeling considerably more light-headed, she clutched onto the porcelain bowl for dear life as the room around her tilted dangerously, attempting to bully her stomach into heaving again.

            But if nothing else, the president of the Literature Club was resilient, and in time, the room stood still again.  She gazed down into the tainted toilet, its water swirling with galaxies of green-brown sludge, arms reaching for edges where they could touch the porcelain, making shapes that she’d never imagined could be real.  Pockets of gunk spun aimlessly like stars, caught in the vast reaches of the vile universe around it.

            She attempted to get her breathing back under control by switching from her mouth to her nose.  Big mistake.  Completely unprepared for the horrendous stench, she reeled back, audibly hacking.  In an effort to get away from the smell, she stood up and resumed breathing through her mouth.  After another minute or so of just calming down, she looked up and surveyed the room.

            Her eyes rested on a mirror, and looking back at her was the most disheveled girl she’d ever seen in her life.  Her eyes were wild, her pupils dilated.  Her chest was heaving up and down, the mascot on her shirt stretching cartoonishly to accommodate.  The girl’s long, brown hair was unkempt and ragged.  A strand of it was actually stuck to the corner of her lip, where a small, green chunk of puke had taken up residence.  She absentmindedly wiped it away with her thumb and looked down at it, as though in a trance.

            She checked the code.  No response.

            “Oh my God.”


	2. Strolls Schoolward

            The first question that came to mind was “how?”  Monika paced the hallway anxiously, her mind racing for an explanation.  In all the time she’d spent delving into the game’s code, she’d never come across anything that explained her current predicament.  She’d never heard any sound bites of birds chirping, had never seen any image files of the house she was in, had never seen _anything_ outside of the high school – so what was going on, here?

            The notion that she was still within a game was right out.  The amount of detail, the amount of things that she herself could interact with could not be simulated by anything digital, no matter how high-quality it was.  But that was all that it _could_ be, right?  There was no possible way that this world was real.

            And yet, no matter how many trains of thought she followed, each track led back to that statement – “the world was real.”  It was the best explanation that she had.  Of course, that meant that _she_ was real, too.  Herself, Sayori, Natsuki, Yuri, and…

            The player.  Of course.  Why weren’t they the first person that she’d thought of?  They’d messed with the game’s code before.  Maybe they knew something about this, too.  And with the world as detailed and nuanced as it was, she could probably ask them directly, too.

            Oh, my.  A real conversation with the player.  _That_ was a thought.

            But in order to make that thought a reality, Monika would have to go to school, so she went back to her room to get ready.  Upon glancing at her alarm clock and reading the time, she cringed.  First period was happening _now_.  She was definitely going to miss it, and if she didn’t hurry, she probably wouldn’t make it until third period began.  She rifled through what was apparently her closet, extracted a clean uniform from a hanger, and got changed.  Within another ten minutes or so, she’d stuffed every textbook she had into her bookbag, brushed her teeth, scarfed down some untoasted toast and orange juice, taken an extra minute or two to revel in her new ability to actually _taste_ things, snapped back to reality, and dashed out the door.

            As everyone else had long since left for school, the walk was completely uninterrupted.  Which was a good thing, for even when taking into account the absence of any other people, Monika had _vastly_ underestimated just how much would be going on outside.  Between the warm Sun melting across her face and the brisk wind nipping at her nose and ears, it was all she could do to keep her focus on moving forward.

            Finally, she arrived at the high school.  Heaped on the street just outside the entrance was a big, dirty pile of snow.  The last dregs of a recent snowstorm, Monika supposed.  The few bits of snow which had managed to remain uncovered by dirt sparkled in the morning sunlight.  Monika turned her head to get a different angle at it, and, to her delight, it sparkled and shone in a new and unexpected way.  She crouched down next to it, poking and prodding in different places.  Once or twice, she just grabbed a fistful of the stuff and watched it melt all the way down in her hand.

            It truly was a feeling unlike anything she’d experienced before, and she couldn’t stop a childlike grin from rising up to decorate her cheeks.

            The chime of a bell caused Monika to look up in the direction of the school.  Groups of students holding lunchboxes were filing out of it, talking amongst themselves.

            “Oh, gosh…” she whispered under her breath.  Had she really been out here for that long?  If it was lunch period, she’d missed both second _and_ third period.  She got up and made for the school hastily, but slowed down after just a few steps.  Although they were technically her classmates, all of these people were unique to this reality.  She didn’t know any of them.  How could she possibly go about talking to them?  Would it even be worth it to try?

            “Hey, Monika!”

            She jumped and looked up from her thoughts to see a girl with peach colored hair dashing towards her, waving her hands about wildly, a carefree smile plastered onto her face.

            Monika’s heart leapt up into her throat, and she raised a hand tentatively.  “H-Hi, Sayori.”

            Having reached Monika, Sayori leaned over and placed her hands on her knees, panting.  “Whew!  Glad I finally found you.  Did you sleep in or something?”

            “Oh.  Um, yeah.  I slept in.” Monika stammered.

            Sayori cocked her head and pursed her lips.  “Really?  This late??  You must have been really tired.  You didn’t even answer any of my text messages!”

            Text messages?  She had a phone?  Monika filed away these questions for later and tried to get the conversation back on track.  “Sorry.  I was _really_ tired.”

            Sayori pouted and pressed her fingers together.  “Next time check your phone, okay?  I was worried about you…”

            Monika couldn’t help but smile at the immaculate display of cuteness that was Sayori.  “Okay, I promise.  I’m sorry that I worried you.  Want to go eat together?”

            “Sure!”  Sayori pumped her fist into the air and zoomed off.  Monika giggled and called out for her to wait up, dashing after her.


	3. Eats Lunch

            The pair of them settled down on a bench just outside of the school’s main entrance.  Sayori instantly whipped out a peanut butter and jelly sandwich and started digging into it.

            Monika, attempting to do so inconspicuously, stole glances at Sayori out of the corner of her eye.   She watched how the girl ate.  Watched how flecks of peanut butter ended up dotting her cheeks only a few bites into the sandwich.  Even during an event as mundane as this, Monika was completely and totally enraptured by the detail of the world around her.  Sunlight glistened off of Sayori’s cheeks, her blue eyes sparkled cheerfully…

            Monika wasn’t sure for how long she’d been staring when she noticed Sayori looking up at her confusedly.

            Monika averted her gaze, feeling her cheeks heat up.  “S-Sorry.  I didn’t mean to, um…”

            Sayori looked at her, then down at the sandwich, and tilted her head.  “Wait, do you not have lunch today?”

            “Oh.  I, uh, guess I don’t,” replied Monika, thanking her lucky stars that Sayori was such a good conversationalist.  “B-But you don’t have to give me any!”

            “Monikaaa,” Sayori groaned.  “Let me feed yooou.”

            Monika smiled despite herself.  “Really, it’s okay.  I’m not hungry.”

            Sayori hummed.  “If you say so.”  With a few more well-placed bites, she finished off the last few bits of her sandwich and sighed contentedly, leaning back against the brick wall of the school.  She burped softly.  “Oop!  Sorry.”

            Monika chuckled.  “Don’t worry about it.”  A lull passed over the two of them for a few moments.  Then, Monika remembered why she’d even come to school in the first place.  Taking a moment or two to get her thoughts in order, she cleared her throat.

            “Um, Sayori?” she began.  The girl next to her perked up quickly.  Monika froze, clenching and unclenching her hands.  Why couldn’t she speak?

            But Sayori was still looking at her expectantly…okay.  Better go with something neutral.

            “T-This is some nice weather, huh?” Monika said, smiling and pointing up the sky.

            “Oh!  Yeah, totally,” Sayori replied, beaming.  “Sunlight’s the best!  And no clouds, either!”

            “Yeah.  It’s very pleasant,” Monika said.  She looked down between her legs and kicked at the grass.  Darn it.

            Sayori looked away slowly and smiled wistfully, gazing up at the sky.  “I hope it sticks around until Monday.  A day like today would be perfect for the festival.”

            “The festival?!” Monika said quickly, turning to Sayori.  Had the festival not happened yet in this world?

            Sayori smiled nervously.  “Um.  Yeah?”

            Monika looked away, the gears turning in her head.  “What day is it today?”

            “T-Thursday,” Sayori said.  “Are you feeling okay?  You seem a little off.”

            What on Earth?  Monika had reasoned long ago that the original route of the game had to have started on a Tuesday because it was comprised of four days before the weekend which was then followed by the festival on Monday.  If today was a Thursday, then this world was more different than she’d thought.  Monika shook her head and snapped back to reality.  “I-I’m fine.  Still tired.”

            Sayori frowned and leaned a little bit closer.  “Are you sure?  It seems like you’ve got something on your mind.”

            Monika thought for a minute.  “There’s something I want to ask you.  Is there anyone you’re bringing to the club today?”

            Sayori smiled brightly.  “Just me!”

            “That’s…um…” Monika took a moment to figure out how best to phrase this.  It was possible that Sayori had already brought the player character to the club two days ago.  That would fit in the game’s timeline.  However, Sayori would expect her to already know that, so she couldn’t ask her about it.  Monika decided to press the question she’d already asked.  “I was thinking that maybe you had an idea of someone you’d like to invite to join the Literature Club?  Maybe a friend of yours or something?”

            “Oh…sorry, I haven’t asked anyone recently,” replied Sayori, looking crestfallen for an instant.  But just as quickly as Monika registered the change in demeanor, Sayori bounced back with a smile that was just a little bit too wide.  “But I can try harder if you want me to!”

            “No, no, you’re fine,” Monika said quickly.  So Sayori hadn’t brought them to the club yet.  The surprises just kept on piling up, and Monika was quite suddenly struck with the realization of just how much she didn’t know about this new world.  If Sayori really hadn’t asked the player character to join the club, who’s to say that the two of them were still friends in this world?  Who’s to say that the player character still _existed_?  And even if they did, would they try to join the club on their own if Sayori hadn’t helped them along already?

            Monika huffed and rolled her eyes inwardly.  Not a chance.  In the game, Sayori essentially had to socially blackmail them into just showing up, and even after that, it took some convincing to get them to commit to the club.  They were too closed off and set in their ways to try anything new of their own volition.  How annoying.

            Monika frowned.  Huh.  Where did _that_ come from?

            But just as she was starting to wonder, a bell chimed overhead.  As she and Sayori got up and walked to their classes, Monika hummed thoughtfully and decided to think about it later.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to thank everyone who's read my fic so far from the bottom of my heart. Even if I don't mention it in future chapter notes, know that I'm always thinking of and appreciating you. You guys and girls are the best. Stay awesome <3


	4. Feels Touch

            Monika went through the rest of the day in a tense sort of trance, taking caution not to expose herself to too much social interaction.  Everyone around her, every single boy and girl in every one of her classes, was now completely unique.  Even the ones that were similar had small differences that set them apart from their peers.  Each one had their own unique, three dimensional personality.  Each was capable of intelligent discussion.

            And it was driving her insane.  There were so many other students around her, so many _living_ , _breathing_ people.  But whenever she opened up her mouth, nothing came out of it.  Try as she might, fear would overwhelm her every time without fail, and Monika couldn’t bring herself to say anything.  Her breathing quickened, her chest seized up, and all she could think of was what would happen if she messed up.  Of the millions of directions that the conversation could take.  What if it took the wrong one?  What if it took a good one, but she was unprepared for it?

            This was supposed to be what she wanted.  Other people with which she could share herself.  Why was she so uncertain?  Was she that used to controlling conversations?  To controlling _people_?

            Monika huffed.  No more worrying.  It wouldn’t do any good.  Right now, she had one goal – to find the player character and figure out what they knew.  Until then, she wouldn’t worry.  All she had to do was get through the rest of the day with as little talking as possible.

            Thankfully, Sayori was more than willing to pick up her slack.

            “And History was boring, but it always is,” Sayori said with a sheepish chuckle.  “Ehehehe…I might’ve dozed off for a bit towards the end.  But that’s fine!  We have a couple of weeks to prepare for the next test, right?”

            Monika nodded, feigning knowledge of said test.  “Right.”

            Sayori pumped her fist.  “Right!  So I figure I’ll be okay.  And I just got out a few minutes ago, and here we are in the hallway together! And that’s been my day so far.”

            Monika hummed in response and allowed her bubbly friend to continue.  Good old Sayori.  All she had to do was give her one or two-word responses every minute or so and she was good to go.  Now that she was talking to the right person, Monika was having a blast doing it.  New subjects and sentences poured out of Sayori’s ear-wide grin in abundance without Monika having to put in any effort whatsoever.  And they just kept coming, like there were a million more sentences that could be said.  And with a small sigh and a smile, Monika realized that there probably _were_.

            Just then, the inflexion of one of Sayori’s words went up in pitch.  Monika blinked and turned back to the girl, who was looking at her expectantly.  Was that a question just now?

            Monika gulped.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite – I didn’t catch – what did you just say?”

            Sayori sighed.  “I was asking you why you’ve been so quite all day…you’ve barely said a word and we’ve almost made it to the clubroom.”

            “Oh, I – the clubroom?” Monika whirled around to face forward again.  A second-floor hallway with rows of lockers and intermittently placed doors lining either side faced her.  “Where’s the clubroom?”

            “What do you _mean_ , ‘where’s the clubroom?’” Sayori asked with a worried look on her face.

            Monika put a hand up to her chin.  “Oh, right…I thought I’d have more classes, but I came into school late.  How did I forget that…?”

            “Monika, seriously.  I’m really worried about you,” Sayori said, grabbing

_something that I can’t see is touching my shoulder_

             the club president’s shoulder.  Monika gasped and jerked away, whirling on Sayori.  Sayori leaned back, shocked, and retracted her hand.

            Monika didn’t say a word.  Her eyes, wide and dilated, did the talking for her.

             “Monika…?” Sayori began concernedly.  “What’s wrong?  You’ve been acting weird all day, and I can’t even _remember_ the last time you were late to school.  Are you okay?”

            “I’m fine.  Really,” Monika said shakily, avoiding Sayori’s eyes.  “J-Just…please don’t touch me again.”

            Sayori looked like she wanted to say more, but instead, she simply closed her mouth and let her hands fall to her sides.  “Okay,” she said quietly.

            The two continued walking.  Monika took a deep breath and fell behind, allowing Sayori to lead the way to the club.  She knew she’d been blunt, but she wasn’t thinking about that at the moment.  Instead, she was thinking about trying to breathe evenly – and about her heart, which was slamming into her throat.  The tingling sensation on her shoulder from where Sayori's hand had been still lingered.  Something else had touched her.  Something real.

            She hadn’t expected it to feel so _intense_.


	5. Starts Club

            Sayori broke off from the middle of the hallway that she and Monika had been travelling down and walked towards a nearby door.  Monika looked up at the door’s number – _206_ – and quickly committed it to memory.

            Turning her attention back to Sayori, she saw the girl reach out and grip the doorknob in her left hand. For a split second, Monika saw Sayori stop in her tracks and exhale coolly. Her eyes became unfocused and bleary, but then, just as Monika registered the change, her expression lit up and she pushed open the door. Feeling a pang of guilt, Monika resolved to apologize to her friend at some point in the future.

            “Hi, everyone!  Monika and I made it on time today!” Sayori called out, springing cheerfully into the room.  Exercising a little more trepidation, Monika crept into the room warily, scanning it for the player character.

            Unfortunately, a quick sweep of the room told her that the man – or woman – in question was not present.  Yuri was sitting by the classroom window, pen in hand, pouring over a sheet of notebook paper with practiced scrutiny.  Meanwhile, Natsuki was curled up in the corner at the other end of the room, reading a manga volume.  But after she heard Sayori, Natsuki looked up from her book and rolled her eyes.

            “For _once_ , you’re here on time, Monika,” Natsuki huffed, closing her book and sliding it back onto the shelf.  She got up, dusted off her skirt and walked over to Monika and Sayori.  “Well then, let’s get started.”

            Sayori and Natsuki looked to Monika expectantly, and she realized that her conundrum over the player would have to wait.  Right now, she needed to play the part of the club president.

            “Right,” Monika said, clearing her throat and putting on the most natural smile she could muster.  “Okay, everyone!  It’s time to start the club, so gather round!”

            Natsuki deadpanned her president.  “We’re already here.”

            “U-Um…” Monika stammered, already flustered.

            “Wait a minute, Yuri isn’t,” Sayori chimed in.  As she called over the last remaining member, who looked up from her desk with a start, Monika breathed a quiet sigh of relief while the attention was off of her.  She got the feeling that this wasn’t the last time that she’d find herself relying on Sayori’s expert social skills, and she silently thanked her lucky stars that the powers that be had chosen to gift her with such an affable vice president.

            Yuri trotted over, notebook in hand.  “M-My apologies, Monika.  I got a little bit too absorbed in my writing.”

            “That’s okay,” replied Monika, and, desperate to keep the topic of conversation away from her, she continued.  “Is it a new poem?”

            “Yes,” Yuri said.  “I’m sorry, I wanted to have it finished for today, like you said, but…

            “Maybe if your poems were less wordy you’d get them done quicker,” Natsuki said with a squint, crossing her arms.

            “Eh…?” Yuri shrank back.  “B-But this one isn’t even that long, it just…”

            While Yuri attempted to justify herself to Natsuki’s condescending glare, Monika mulled over what she’d just discovered – an aspect of this world which actually adhered to the original route of the game.  It looked like she'd been having her club members write and share poems for the last day or two. Monika’s smile became just a little more genuine.  She was getting good at this.

            “Hey, hey!” she said, drawing the attention of the two girls.  “Don’t worry about it, Yuri.  We can’t always control the ebb and flow of our inspiration.  You tried your best and that’s what counts.”

            Yuri wrung her hands together.  “I suppose…” she mumbled.  “I just wish I knew what it was about this one that’s making it so difficult.”

            “It’s no trouble, you can just finish it for tomorrow,” Monika said, turning to the rest of the group.  “Anyways, do the rest of you have your poems?”

            “I’ve got mine!” Sayori cheered.

            “I have one, too,” said Natsuki.

            “Perfect!  Why don’t we gather around at the front of the room and you two can read them out for everyone?” Monika said.

            Natsuki sighed.  “Do I have to?  Mine’s kind of personal.”

            “But if it’s written from the heart, then that must mean it’s really good!” Sayori said, giving Natsuki a big hug and batting her eyelashes obnoxiously.  “Pleeeease?”

            “No.  And get off!” Natsuki snapped, pushing Sayori away.

            “U-Um,” Yuri said, raising a hand tentatively.  “I don’t think that Natsuki should have to read her poem.  I-If she doesn’t want to.”

            “Mind your own business, edgelord,” Natsuki replied, still holding Sayori back with both hands.

            “Ah – sorry,” Yuri mumbled.

            “Um…” Monika wasn’t sure how to diffuse this situation, but with Sayori out of commission, she had to try something…It was time to take a calculated risk.  “Let’s not get too snappy, Natsuki.  Yuri was only trying to help.”

            “Oh, really?!” Natsuki said, whirling on Monika with such speed that the taller girl actually leaped back a bit.  “Because it sounds to me like she just wants the stage to herself today!”

            “I…” Monika frowned.  “Wait, but Yuri isn’t even going to read today.  Her poem isn’t ready yet, remember?”

            “I – ” Natsuki pointed at Monika and stuttered for a moment or two, her cheeks flushing.  “S-Shut up!”  She stormed off to the front of the room, picked a seat in the second row, and flopped into it.

            Yuri twirled her hair and looked off to the side.  “She usually isn’t so aggressive…”

            Sayori hummed to herself and tapped her fingers together anxiously.  “Maybe I shouldn’t have teased her so hard about her poem…”

            Monika sighed and gave her friends a small smile.  “She’ll be fine in a bit.  Let’s just go up there and read some poetry, okay?  That’ll cheer everyone up!”


	6. Reads Poem

            The poetry failed to cheer anyone up.

            It was mostly Natsuki and Yuri’s fault.  Sayori’s poem had a tinge of sadness to it, but neither of the two aforementioned club members seemed to be paying attention to it, regardless.  Instead, Natsuki kept shooting annoyed sidelong glances at Yuri.  Yuri, as unsure as ever, shifted around in her seat and looked worriedly away from Natsuki each time.  The constant movement from both of them was incredibly distracting.

            The player character wasn’t even here for them to fight over and they were all but at each other’s throats.  Was there really this much tension between them back in the game?  Somehow, Monika didn’t think so…perhaps it was another quirk of the new world.

            Giving up on being able to immerse herself in Sayori’s poetry, Monika leaned back in her chair and spaced out a little.  Her vice-president's poem wasn’t completely depressing.  It was certainly happier than the poems that she’d written back in the game, if memory served.  Of course, she hadn’t _really_ written those – they were a part of the game, after all.

            Huh.  Monika pondered on this for a moment.  Back then, Sayori was still just a bundle of associated pictures, words, and feelings.  One of the developers probably just wrote a few poems that they’d imagine Sayori would have written were she real and then put them in the game under her name.  But here, Sayori stood before the club, very much real, and reading a poem that she very much wrote herself.

            Monika smiled.  Even if she never met the player character again and got the answers that she was looking for, she didn’t think she’d complain.  She was going to continue searching for them no matter what, but it was already Heaven on Earth just to be here with her friends.  It didn’t matter what Sayori was saying, it didn’t matter that the player character had dropped off the face of the Earth – she and her friends were _alive_.

            Sayori finished her line with a poignant, yet still peppy line and hopped down from the podium with a pleased smile.  Yuri quickly applauded, and Natsuki, who had been in the midst of glaring at Yuri, realized quickly that Sayori’s performance was over and clapped along.

            Monika gave Sayori a few solid claps herself, and a beam of a smile to boot.  “Wonderful, Sayori.  You were absolutely riveting!”

            “You think so?” Sayori asked, giggling to herself and stuffing her poem into her backpack.  “Thanks a bunch!  I worked extra hard on it.”

            “It’s written on loose leaf,” Natsuki observed, getting up from her chair and prodding Sayori’s poem before she could finish putting it away.  “And your handwriting is all over the place.  Are you sure you didn’t forget and do this over breakfast?”

            “Um.  Maybe,” Sayori said, before pouting and zipping up her backpack resignedly.  “But I edited it during pre-calc!”

            “Well, I thought that it was very…insightful,” Yuri said softly, looking off to the side.

            Natsuki grumbled, but apparently couldn’t think of how to put a negative spin on what Yuri had said and instead opted to turn away from the girl with a huff.

            Monika clapped her hands together.  “Alright, I guess that does it for this meeting!  I’m giving you all the same assignment tonight, so please try to come up with something that you can share tomorrow, Natsuki, Yuri,” Monika said, nodding to the two girls respectively.  “And with that, today’s meeting is…”

            Monika trailed off.  Sayori was tapping her shoulder rapidly.  “Yes, Sayori?”

            Sayori leaned in close to Monika’s ear.  “You forgot to read your poem!” she whispered in a voice that was easily loud enough for the other two girls to hear.

            “Ah,” Monika said.  That’s right…she wasn’t exempt from the assignment just because she was the president.  The girls were expecting a poem from her, too.  “Right, the thing about that, is that…”

            That what?  That she didn’t have a poem to read?  Because she _definitely_ didn’t.  But obviously, she couldn’t tell them _why_ that was, because then they’d think she was insane.  But as the president of the club, she also couldn’t afford to lose face by giving some sort of excuse…

            Oh, boy.  This was _not_ a good situation.

            Monika gulped, praying that her mounting anxiety wasn’t showing on her face.  “I would like – give me one moment, please.”  She needed time to figure out what she was going to say.  She needed to stall.  She walked over to her backpack, her club members trailing her with quizzical expressions on their faces.

            Monika rifled through her backpack, trying her best to keep her breathing under control.  Calm down.  You can figure this out.  Just keep stalling, keep thinking, keep…

            Her composition notebook.  The one she kept all of her poems in.  _Perfect_.  She brought it out triumphantly.  “Here it is, everyone!”

            A confused and awkward silence was her only response.

            “Yaaay…?” Natsuki offered.

            “R-Right.  Sorry,” Monika stammered.  “Do you guys want to, uh, gather at the front of the room again, or just do it here?”

            Natsuki shrugged.  “I don’t care.”

            Yuri wrung her hands together. “I don’t have a preference.”

            Sayori smiled.  “Looks like it’s up to you.”

            “Um.  Here, then,” Monika said, leafing through her notebook, trying to look like she knew what she was doing.  “Now, where was it?  Ahahaha…”

            Monika searched and searched, but to her surprise, very few of the poems within the notebook were finished.  Many were merely single passages, and many more were single lines or phrases that had been crossed out in harsh red ink.  The only couple of complete poems that she did find, she recognized from the game, and in this pressured situation, she wasn’t willing to take the chance that her friends hadn’t heard them yet.

            Monika flipped a little faster.  Was there really nothing in here that she could read to them?  She was running out of –

            There.  On the most recently used page in her book was a poem written in her handwriting that was completely unfamiliar to her.  It was the best chance she had.

            “H-Here it is,” Monika said.  She cleared her throat and began to read:

 

_The highest high, the lowest low, each one of you I’ve seen_

_I’ve been with you through thick and thin and all that’s in between_

_And when our time came to an end and nothing could remain_

_Your beings all persisted in my torn and tortured brain_

_I rage and cry and scream at you these words you wish to hear_

_And only silence meets you there, so far away, so near_

_The cruel world that birthed you four, in all your perfect ways_

_And trapped you in that wretched, cursed place for all your days_

_A stalwart wall attacks our hearts and causes them to bleed_

_How do I write a poem for you I know you cannot read?_

 

            Monika looked up and was met with a trio of stunned expressions.  Shit.  She'd messed up _bad_.  She knew she had to say something to fix her mistake, but with all of their eyes on her, she couldn’t so much as open her mouth.  A bead of sweat trailed down her cheek.

            Natsuki stared at Monika incredulously.  “That was…”

            “Astounding.” Yuri breathed, her mouth ever-so-slightly agape.

            “Totally awesome!” Sayori cheered, grinning happily.  “And it’s so different from what you normally write!  It was really, like… _raw_ , and…and super epic!”

            Monika blinked hard.  “You…liked it?” she said cautiously, refusing to relax until she was sure that she was in the clear.

            “I loved it,” Yuri said, walking over so that she was looking at the poem over Monika’s shoulder.  She rambled on, tracing various lines with her fingertips as she went.  “The prose was tremendous.  And despite the line-by-line variance in word count and sentence structure, every line is exactly fourteen syllables long.  Managing such consistency in structure while still giving each line an individual form is nothing short of masterful.  Furthermore – ”

            “Okay, we get the idea, Yuri,” Natsuki cut in, but was unable to hold back a smile as she peeked over the top of the notebook.  “The ending was my favorite part.  After all of that ambiguity, the last line punches the reader in the gut by saying exactly what the writer’s been feeling for the entire poem.  Nice to know you’ve been taking my advice, Monika.”

            Monika breathed a sigh of bewilderment, disbelief, and relief all at once.  The unknown poem had saved her.  She smiled shakily.  “Thank you, everyone.  That means a lot to me.”

            Sayori patted Monika on the head.  “Don’t mention it!  It really is a great poem.  Now then…”  She hoisted her backpack up onto her shoulders and made for the door.  “I’ve got a nap with my name on it waiting for me back home.  See you tomorrow!”

            “B-Bye,” Monika said distractedly.  Suddenly, she looked up with a start and called out.  “Wait!  Sayori!  Can I walk home with you today?”


	7. Twists Heart

            Monika and Sayori walked side by side down the road.  The Sun shined overhead, and to Monika’s delight, not all of the snow that had been there earlier in the day had melted, and the girl took sidelong glances at the little piles, smiling excitedly.  However, she didn’t outright stop for any of them.  She was determined to figure out what the player knew, and nothing was going to slow her down.

            “So…”

            Monika looked over at Sayori.  “Hm?  What is it?”

            Sayori tilted her head curiously.  “You’ve never walked home with me before.”

            Monika gave what she hoped was a convincingly casual giggle.  “Well, you know.  This isn’t really my part of town.  We should definitely do it more often, though!  This is fun!”

            Sayori’s brow furrowed in worry and she returned her gaze to the street.

            “What is it?” asked Monika.

            “Don’t you live three houses down from me?” Sayori asked.

            “O-Oh,” Monika stammered.  Another difference from the game.  There was, after all, a lot she that she still didn’t know, so perhaps it would be in her best interests to say as little as possible until she got to the player’s house.  She kept to herself until Sayori’s house came into view.  She recognized it from the image files she’d browsed back when she was still in the game.  And if that one was Sayori’s, then the player character's would have to be…

            “Hey,” Sayori said.

            Monika jumped a bit.  “Uh, yeah?  What is it?”

            Sayori walked around so that she was in Monika’s field of vision and smiled softly.  “We’re friends, right?”

            Monika wrung her hands together behind her back, uncertain as to where this conversation was going.  She managed to look Sayori in the eye and nod.  “Mhm.”

            “And friends can be honest with each other, right?” Sayori continued, keeping her eyes on Monika.

            Monika couldn’t help herself from looking away.  “Sayori, I’m fine.  You’re just worrying about me too much.”

            “Monika.”

            Sayori’s voice had dropped both in pitch and in tone.  Her heart skipping a couple of beats, Monika turned to face the girl.  Sayori’s expression was an ambiguous mixture of hurt, confusion, and sympathy.

            “I’m very good at telling when people are lying to me.”

            And something about Sayori’s grief-stricken face, something about the genuine tone of her voice yanked Monika right out of her body and brought her back to a place and an emotion which she was all too familiar with.  A club with no happiness.  A hole in the wall.  A pathway for everyone that mattered.  And down one path, a house, and within that house, a room, and within that room, a noose, and within that noose…

            Guilt.

            After a few moments passed, Sayori’s voice rose again, a quiet whisper in the silence the two friends were sharing.  “Are you going to tell me what’s going on?”

            Monika gulped, feeling tension and shame rise to her cheeks in equal parts.  Guilt.  “I can’t.”

            “You won’t or you can’t?” Sayori asked, her tone unrelentingly gentle.

            “I…”  Monika couldn’t meet Sayori’s eyes.  Why did she feel so guilty? 

            But she already knew why.  And now she knew that she _should’ve_ been feeling like this for a long time, now.  She just didn’t have the capacity to.  But now, she did, and it _hurt_.

            "I can't," Monika repeated quietly.

            Sayori sighed and looked away.  “Okay.  Well, I’m here if you want to talk.  I’ll see you tomorrow.”

            Monika tried to wave goodbye to her friend but instead ended up stumbling forward, clutching her chest.  It was awful.  It was a highly _personal_ kind of pain, too.  Her throat felt too big, her stomach too full.  She felt like she wanted to throw up again just like she’d done that morning, except whatever it was that was inside of her wouldn’t come out.  It just kept squirming around in her belly, making her feel more revolted with herself for housing it by the second.

            Monika groaned and leaned on a nearby fence, her vision swimming.  Why hadn’t she thought of all of this before?  Why was it only now that she was feeling guilty?  Now, that she had essentially told Sayori to screw off and leave her alone?  Was she that short-sighted?  And that was only considering Sayori.  She hadn’t even started thinking about what she’d done to her other friends.

            Sayori.  Natsuki.  Yuri.  What she’d done to them.

            Oh, God.

            Oh, _God_.

            …

            …

            …

            “Hey, are you alright?”

            Monika, disturbed though she was, looked up and saw a teenage boy in school attire standing before her with a confused and concerned expression on his face.


	8. Lashes Out

            Short brown hair.  Plain face.  A uniform which was buttoned up and tucked in, and yet still had wrinkles all over it.  He was looking over her in much the same way that someone would a wounded animal, trying to decide if it was worth the risk – or effort – to tend to.  Somehow, Monika knew in an instant that he was the one who she’d been searching for.

            Monika tried to clear her throat, but when she spoke up, her voice still cracked.  “Who are you?”

            “I live here,” he said, nodding at something over Monika’s shoulder.  She turned around and saw a plain, modern-looking house with no defining features.  She turned back to the boy and tried to stop thinking about

            _all of the horrible things she’d done_

            the past.  She needed answers.

            “Um…” Monika’s face was heating up.  “We know each other, right?”

            “No,” replied the boy.  “I mean, I might’ve seen you in between classes a couples of times.”

            “B-But…last year…” Monika’s mind was in a scramble, desperately trying to find a way to keep the conversation going.  “W-We shared a class together, didn’t we?”

            The boy thought for a moment.  “Oh, maybe.  I don’t really remember.  What’s your name?”

            “Monika,” she said.  Why was it so hard to talk, to figure out what to ask?  Was this what happened when you talked to the person you loved?  “Look, I’ve got to ask you a few things.  I-If you don’t mind.”

            The boy frowned.  “What are you doing outside of my house?”

            “I…” Monika shook her head before she could slip up again.  Stay on track.  “I was just walking home with a friend.  She’s in the Literature Club with me.”

            “Oh, you mean the girl who’s always late to homeroom?  I know her.  She holds everyone up because the teacher insists on waiting an extra few minutes for her to arrive _every day_ ,” the boy said with a heavy sigh and a roll of his eyes.  He looked back at Monika curiously.  “Our school has a literature club?”

            Monika blinked hard.  “Um.  Yes.  It does.”

            “Hm,” he said curtly.  “Anyways, what did you want to ask me?”

            “I…” Monika took a deep breath.  “Okay.  Okay, okay.  Okay.”

            She kept her eyes closed for a moment before opening them and looking into his own eyes intensely.  She tried to see beyond his eyes, to talk to the player behind the character in front of her.  When she felt ready, she spoke.

            “Why am I here?” she asked firmly. 

            The boy shuffled awkwardly and averted his gaze.  “Because…you walked here?”

            Monika blinked a few times, and her visage fell.  “Um…I…”

            The boy huffed.  “Look, I’ve got to get inside…”  He took a step forward.

            “W-Wait!” she practically shouted, stopping the boy in his tracks.  “I still – I have so many things I need to ask you!”

            “Then ask already!” he shot back with just a hint of exasperation.

            But there was nothing to ask him.  Because only now that she was in front of him, actually _talking_ to him, did Monika understand what she’d known all along – he, like her fellow club members, wasn’t a character anymore.  He had become a real person.  And there wasn’t any omniscient player behind him.  There wasn’t anything but a shallow, self-absorbed teenage boy.

            And then, the puzzle pieces all fell into their places, and Monika understood the emotion that she was feeling.  The reason why she couldn’t think straight, the reason why her face felt so unbearably hot.  It wasn’t love – it was anger.

            “Where do you think you get off insulting Sayori like that?!” Monika snapped.

            The boy’s brow furrowed.  “Who’s Sayori?”

            “Of _course_ you don’t know her name,” Monika scoffed.  “I’m talking about the girl who’s always late.”

            “I didn’t insult her,” he replied, taking a step back.  “What are you talking about?”

            “Don’t even _try_ , asshole!  You can’t just act however you want and get away with it!  That’s not how this works!” Monika started advancing on him.  Her vision tunneled.  The world in all of its infinite beauty narrowed to her, him, and unfiltered rage.  “Do you have any idea how hard it is for her just to get up in the morning?  To spend every waking moment with a smile on her face?!  It’s a miracle she makes it through the day at all!  You should be happy for her!”

            “Why would I care about some lazy second-year who can’t even wake up on time?  Or button up her shirt properly?” he replied angrily.

            Monika crossed her arms.  “So you’ve been looking down her shirt, too?  This just keeps getting better and better.  I can’t believe I actually used to _love_ you.”

            “I…” the boy, flustered and completely at a loss for words, simply shook his head and tried to walk around Monika to get to his house, looking pointedly away from her.  “You’re crazy…”

            “ _Don’t you dare!_ ” Monika shouted, grabbing his wrist as he turned.  Human contact.  Electric.  The high of feeling another person’s skin against hers only fueled her anger.

            “ _Get off!_ ” he shouted, his voice cracking.  He wrestled his arm away from Monika and sprinted back up to his house, looking over his shoulder, and Monika took no small amount of pleasure from witnessing the look in his wide, terrified eyes – and knowing that she’d been the cause of it.

            He slammed the front door behind himself, and after a few moments of glaring at the place where he’d just been, Monika turned on her heel and ran home in a hurry.  Her house was just a few down from Sayori’s, just as her friend had told her.  She fumbled with her keys, unlocked the door, walked just inside the hallway, and collapsed into tears just as the door was shutting behind her.

            She’d been fooling herself all day.  Tricking herself into thinking that there were any answers at all in this terrifying new world that she’d been plunged into.  With no code, there was no rhyme or reason to anything.  Even her own shackles had been broken, for she no longer loved the player character as she once had when she’d been coddled within the cozy, orderly confines of the game.

            It was obvious to her now that the player character knew nothing.  He was just another person in this endless sea of unfamiliar faces that surrounded her.  And the _real_ player, the one with the answers, was somewhere far, far away.

            Monika wondered if they could see where she was right now.

            Monika wondered if they still cared.

            Monika wondered if they’d _ever_ cared at all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             And so ends the first arc of the fic.
> 
>             Well, before I get too far, I'd like to personally and sincerely thank each and every one of you who's reading this. This is the first fanfiction that I've written after five years of writing my own, original work, and I've got to say that it's gotten more love than I could have possibly allowed myself to hope for. If you're reading this now, that means that you've seen fit to spend precious minutes of your life experiencing a significant amount of something that I created, and that knowledge has fulfilled and driven me more than you could possibly know. Thank you so very much.
> 
>             I hope it's not too conceited of me to assume that some of you would like to know what the upload schedule for this story will be for the forseeable future, so please indulge me for one more paragraph. For those of you who are wondering, you should know that, at the time of my writing this, I've completed up to chapter 16. My writing process has consisted of me writing a new chapter and then editing and posting an old one every three or four days, and I expect that schedule to continue consistently for the forseeable future. It gives me the opportunity to edit chapters a couple of weeks after their first drafts are done, which is useful because of the new perspective I often have after spending some time away from them. It also gives me the leeway to upload multiple chapters at once if I have to, like what I just did with chapters 7 and 8 (after all, making you guys wait a few extra days for the resolution to the small cliffhanger at the end of chapter 7 felt mean XD). At chapter 16, I'm currently in the middle of writing the third story arc, and I'd say that I'm about halfway through the fic overall. So I expect that it'll end up being around five arcs long, each one averaging to about how long this first one is. But the second arc ended up being a little bit shorter than that, and the third arc is looking like it'll be shorter, as well. So, who knows what'll happen? All I can say for sure is that it'll get done, someday.
> 
>             In conclusion, I'll continue to do my best with this fanfic so that you can enjoy it. Thank you again for reading, from the bottom of my heart. <3


	9. Avoids Conversation

            Monika shuffled her way down to Room 206, having had finished all of her Friday classes.  Knowing that she’d have to save her energy for the Literature Club, she’d done her best to behave as conservatively as possible, only electing to answer questions or demonstrate problems in a few of her classes as opposed to all of them.  Even still, the day had taken a toll on her, and she was all but exhausted.

            Straightening up and taking in a sharp breath, Monika did her best to collect herself before she opened the door.  She was their president, and she couldn’t be seen lumbering around like this.  It wasn’t her place to act like that.

            She opened the door to the Literature Club.  Just like yesterday, Yuri was writing by the windows.  However, she looked considerably more frazzled today than she had the day before.  She was mostly just staring at the paper before her, lost in thought, her brow screwed up in concentration.  Every so often, she managed to write something down, but she always scribbled it out a few seconds later.  Meanwhile, in the corner, Sayori and Natsuki were having what sounded like a heated debate.

            Judging Yuri to provide a less strenuous social situation, Monika made her way over to the windows.  As she went, she passed by Sayori and Natsuki.

            “I’ve told you a million times, Sayori, it’s _not cute_ ,” Natsuki ranted.  “Danielle Salvador’s bright colors and chibi characters are a façade that she puts up.  It’s a horror manga that makes use of a cute, young-reader aesthetic to draw in an unsuspecting audience and lull them into a false sense of security before hitting them in the gut with the manga’s true, sinister intentions.”  Natsuki finished with an overdramatic huff and a cross of her arms.  “Not.  Cute.”

            “Hmm…maybe,” Sayori said tilting her head and giggling.  “But it still _looks_ cute!”

            Natsuki groaned and hung her head in frustration before noticing Monika and perking up again.  “Oh, Monika!  This is perfect.  Tell Sayori that she’s wrong about _Meow Meow Kitty Cuties_.”

            Monika cocked her head.  “What?”

            Natsuki frowned.  “What do you mean, ‘what?’  We finished it earlier this week, remember?”

            “We…did?”  Monika was befuddled.  There was nothing at _all_ like this in the game.  How was she supposed to respond to something so totally unexpected?  But at the same time, Natsuki and Sayori had their eyes on her and were clearly expecting something.

            “Um, I’m not really sure…” Monika felt a bead of sweat trail down her cheek.  “I-I’m sorry, there’s something I need to ask Yuri…”  She turned away from their confused expressions and power walked over to Yuri.

            She knew she’d been awkward, but what else was she supposed to do?  Inwardly sighing, she tried to perk up as she slid to a stop behind Yuri.

            “Hi, Yuri!” Monika said in as cheery a voice as she could, peering over the girl’s shoulder to look at the poem that she was –

            “ _Nothing!_ ” Yuri cried, slapping her hands over the paper.

            Monika blinked and said nothing, completely lost for words for the second time in as many seconds.

            Just as suddenly as she’d covered the paper, Yuri deflated and let out an exhausted sigh.  “Oh, it’s just you, Monika…I’m so sorry, I don’t know what came over me…”

            “It’s okay,” Monika said quickly, gulping.  “So…I take it you’re still having trouble with that poem?”

            Yuri did not uncover the poem, but re-positioned her hands such that they were more comfortable and nodded sadly.  “It’s proving to be…extraordinarily difficult.  This may be the hardest poem I’ve ever had to write.”

            “Really?” Monika said, her curiosity piqued.  “What’s it about?  Can I read it?”

            “No!” Yuri blurted out before composing herself again.  “A-Ah.  Sorry…it’s not done yet.”

            “Well…” Monika paused and thought for a moment.  “Maybe if someone looks it over and gives you their perspective on it, you’ll get a new perspective yourself and have an easier time finishing it.”

            “Mmm,” Yuri hummed before continuing so softly that Monika could barely hear her.  “It’s also kind of personal…”

            Monika hummed.  “Well that’s different, then…if it’s personal, I understand.  But ask someone if you ever decide you want help with it, okay?”

            Yuri nodded halfheartedly.  Then, she sighed again and looked down, crestfallen.  “Oh, gosh, I…I’m sorry, I don’t think I have a poem that I can read today, either.  I’ve been so wrapped up in this one that I just…”  She squeezed her hands into fists for an instant before quickly catching herself and re-covering her paper sheepishly.

            “That’s fine, Yuri.  Really,” Monika replied, saying what she thought her friend wanted to hear.  “It sounds like this poem is really important to you, and I’d hate for you to put in on hold so that you can write something that you feel less inspired about.  Please just continue working on that one for as long as you like.”

            A small smile decorated Yuri’s face and she look up at Monika warmly.  “T-Thank you, Monika.”

            Monika’s heart fluttered – another new emotion.  Pride at having had helped a friend?  Relief that the conflict had been resolved?  She decided to file it away for future analysis and proceeded to return to the conversation at hand with a smile of her own.  “No problem!  And when you finish it and feel comfortable sharing it, you can read it to the club if you’d like!”

            Yuri’s smile wavered, and she looked down at the ground.  “Maybe…”

            Monika patted her shoulder, her heart leaping again a little bit when she felt Yuri twitch beneath her fingertips.  There was still nothing quite as pleasant as human contact.  “I know that you can do it.”

            Monika turned to Natsuki and Sayori.  “Hey, guys!  Want to start the meeting now?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             Credit to Danielle Salvador's name goes to my friend. You know who you are :3


	10. Pressures Friend

            After performing their respective poems for the day, the members of the Literature Club gathered around Monika.  Natsuki leaned up against the desk next to Yuri and crossed her arms, shooting a dissatisfied squint in Sayori’s direction.  Sayori, oblivious to the look she was receiving (or maybe she was just trying to ignore it), bounced back and forth on the balls of her feet excitedly.  Yuri remained seated at her desk, but looked rather uncomfortable at the prospect of having three people standing over her.

            Sayori smiled sweetly at Monika, who, try as she might, couldn’t find it in her to meet her eyes.  How on Earth did she do it?  Monika had clearly upset her yesterday, so how could she smile so warmly today?  Had she gotten over it that quickly?  Or was she just _that_ good at concealing her true emotions from others?

            Monika decided not to think too hard about that last thought.  She cleared her throat and began to speak.

            “Okay, everyone!” she said with a snap of her fingers.  “I’ve got a special assignment for you all!  It’s about the festival on Monday.”

            “Oh, yeah, that’s Monday,” Natsuki said.  “Wait, does that mean that we have to do stuff over the weekend?”

            “Don’t worry, it’ll be a breeze,” Monika said.  “Your job is to bake as cupcakes.  We need a lot of them, and in as many different flavors as possible, too…do you think you can handle that?”

            Natsuki smiled confidently.  “Naturally!  I’m a pro at baking.”

            Monika chuckled.  “If you say so.  Now, Yuri,” she said, turning to Yuri.  “You have really pretty handwriting.  Do you think that you could work on the visual decorations like posters and streamers?”

            Yuri nodded without picking her eyes up from her desk.  “Yes, I believe so.”

            “Perfect!” Monika clapped her hands together.  “That leaves me and Sayori to work on the poetry pamphlets together.  I assume you’re okay with designing them?” she asked, addressing Sayori.

            Sayori nodded and struck a pose.  “I’ll grab the reader’s attention and never let it go!”

            Monika chuckled.  “Then I’ll help to print and organize them with you.  And…well, I think that’s it!”  Monika huffed and smiled, more than a little relieved that she was able to get through that little speech without any major mishaps.  “Of course, everyone will also have to work on their performance poems, so good luck with those, too.  But with that, this meeting is – ”

            “Hey, hold on a minute!” Natsuki shouted.  “We’re _performing?_ ”

            “Well…yes, naturally,” Monika replied.  “Every club has got to get up on stage and do something for the finale, so it would stand to reason that – ”

            “I’m not doing that,” Natsuki said firmly, cutting Monika off for the second time.

            “Um…” Monika fidgeted awkwardly.  That was awfully up front, even for Natsuki.  “C-Could you maybe, um, reconsider?  For the good of the club?”

            Natsuki’s frown deepened.  “No.”

            Monika gulped.  “If it’s an issue of confidence, I’m sure you’ll do just fine.”

            “I could if I wanted to!” Natsuki snapped indignantly.  She sighed and looked off to the side.  “Just drop it, okay?  I’m not performing and that’s that.”

            “O-Okay,” Monika said.  Should she press her further?  She really didn’t want to upset her friend, but at the same time, they needed as many people to perform as possible.  But while she was still considering her options, Yuri raised her hand tentatively.

            Monika looked at her.  “What is it, Yuri?”

            “Um…” Yuri mumbled.  “I’d rather not perform as well, if that’s okay…”

            Monika slumped over.  “You too?  But you have such a great speaking voice when you get into it!”

            “I just…” Yuri trailed off and looked away, lost for words.

            Natsuki rolled her eyes.  “You’re getting worried over nothing, Yuri.  You’d do fine.”

            “I-It’s not that, I just…” Yuri blinked and looked up at Natsuki.  “You really think I’d do okay?”

            Natsuki’s cheeks lit up bright red.  “I – um – shut up.”  She crossed her arms and turned pointedly away from Yuri.

            Monika gave Natsuki a curious look before turning back to Yuri.  “Well, Natsuki seems to believe in you, and I do, too.”

            “And I do, three!” Sayori said, pumping her fists up into the air.  “You’re the _queen_ of epic poetry!  If you performed on Monday, people would pay attention to us for sure!”

            Yuri shrunk down in her seat.  “Please don’t speak so loudly,” she said firmly.

            Sayori, surprised at Yuri’s sudden reaction and response, fell silent.  Yuri sighed.

            “It just…wouldn’t be good,” she finally managed.  “I don’t have anything that's worth reading right now.  And if I were to try writing something specifically for the festival, it wouldn’t turn out good.”

            Monika frowned.  “Because of that other poem that you’re working on right now?”

            Yuri fidgeted and nodded.

            Monika sighed.  “Do you think there’s any way that you could finish it for Monday?”

            Yuri whined and hung her head.  “I just don’t know anymore…”

            Sayori leaned over the distressed girl apprehensively.  “Hey, Yuri, it’s okay.  You don’t have to do it if it’s this hard for you.”

            Monika gazed down at Yuri sympathetically.  “Sayori’s right.  But…we _do_ need as many people to perform as possible.”

            Sayori looked up at Monika with an expression that was somewhere between worried and tense.  Was she trying to tell her something?  Monika looked at her vice-president questioningly, but continued anyways, looking back at Yuri, who was sinking farther down into her chair with every passing second.  “It’s your decision, Yuri.  I’ll only ask one more time – can you finish your poem by Monday?”

            Yuri mumbled incomprehensibly, and an awkward silence ensued during which Sayori shot Monika a stern look.  Monika raised up her hands and mouthed “What?” in her direction.

            “I think you could do it…” Natsuki mumbled, arms still crossed, body still turned resignedly away from the group.

            All three club members turned to Natsuki in surprise.  “W-What?” stuttered Yuri.

            Natsuki scowled.  “Well, I was just thinking, when you get really inspired about something, you just write and write until you drop _dead_.  So I _said_ , I think that you’d be able to do it!  Don’t make me repeat myself!”

            Yuri looked at Natsuki almost reverently for a moment before nodding to herself.  She took a deep breath, and when she spoke again, her voice was steady and sure.  “Okay.  I’ll have my poem finished by Monday.”

            Monika smiled.  “That’s the spirit!  And Sayori and I will perform with you, right?”  Monika looked at Sayori, who nodded and smiled cheerily.  Monika’s own smile wavered.  It was like those weird looks that she’d received a minute ago hadn’t even happened.

            Monika shook off her uncertainty and clapped her hands together.  “Awesome!  Then we’re done for the day.  Good luck with all of your assignments, everyone, and I’ll see you on Monday morning!”

            Her club members nodded and went their separate ways, except for Sayori, who hopped over to be closer to Monika.

            “You seem really excited for the festival,” Sayori said, still grinning.

            “I guess you could say that,” Monika said with a nervous smile.  “Do you think that went well, just now?  Giving everyone their assignments?”

            “Mhm!” Sayori said with a quick nod.  “By the way, are you doing anything this afternoon?”

            “Um…no, not that I know of.  Why?” asked Monika.

            Sayori’s smile didn’t waver.  “Let’s walk home together.  There’s something I want to talk to you about.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             Yay, we made it to 1,000 hits! And we're closing in on 100 kudos, too! _And_ we're finally in the double digits in terms of chapter count! I'm honestly happy beyond what words can describe. Thank you all so much for your love and support. I hope that you enjoy what I do with this story in the future!
> 
>             Edit: Darn, only 50 words away from the 10,000 mark. Well, we'll get 'em next time XD


	11. Closes Off

            A part of Monika had hoped that, once she and Sayori were alone, the mood between them would lighten up.

            Of course, the opposite happened.  Tension crackled around them noiselessly, the air between the two girls thick with invisible thunderclouds bearing a storm that could strike at any second.  And Monika was helpless.  She _still_ couldn’t bring herself to look at Sayori, let alone say anything.  So instead, she just kept her eyes straight ahead and marched forward rigidly.

            And as she walked, she berated herself.  Why would she expect it to get _easier_ when it was just the two of them?  Had she really thought that Sayori was just going to let yesterday go that easily?  Stupid, stupid, stupid.  But she’d already proven herself to be beyond incompetent when it came to social situations, so she supposed it wasn’t that big of a surprise.

            When they reached their neighborhood, Sayori sighed deeply, causing Monika to jump.  Sayori looked at her questioningly, a little concerned.  Monika turned away quickly.  “N-Nothing,” she stated dumbly.

            Sayori moved a little bit closer to her friend.  “Monika?”

            Monika gulped.  “Yeah?”

            Sayori tilted her head.  “Are you okay?”

            “I – um – ” Monika peeked to her left so that she could just catch a glimpse of Sayori’s peach-colored hair out of the corner of her eye.  “What?”

            “You’ve been acting strange for the last couple of days and I just wanted to talk to you about it…” Sayori said, fidgeting.  “Of course, I suppose you don’t _have_ to tell me why if you don’t want to…”

            Monika opened her mouth, ready to say something, but stopped when that last statement registered.  She was expecting anger, or perhaps frustration.  But instead, concern.  Respect.  Monika was beyond surprised.

            “I mean, I _am_ a little bit curious,” Sayori confessed with a short giggle.  “But like I said, you really don’t have to.  The _last_ thing I want to do is make you uncomfortable.”

            Monika turned to face her friend head-on, completely taken aback by this show of kindness.  “Sayori…”

            “Y-Yeah?” Sayori stammered, poking her fingers together worriedly.

            _Oh my God_ , Monika thought.  _She’s just as nervous as I am_.

            This thought gave Monika’s confidence a boost, and she replied quickly.  “I _appreciate_ you.”

            Sayori deadpanned her for a moment before snorting.  “You _what_?”

            “N-No, wait,” Monika stammered, more than a little flustered.  “I mean – I feel like you – ”

            Slowly but surely, Sayori's chuckles died down.  “Monika,” she said plainly.  The girl in question didn’t say a word as Sayori’s hand braved the space between them to rest on Monika’s shoulder.  Monika shivered slightly, but didn’t respond beyond that.  She looked back at Sayori’s face.  She was smiling warmly.

            “Slow down,” Sayori continued.  “Think about what you want to say before you say it.  I’ll wait for you.”

            “I…”  Monika cleared her throat and thought hard.  A moment or two later, she responded.  “I appreciate that you’re respecting my boundaries, Sayori.”

            Sayori’s smile broke open into a full-blown grin.  “Thank you, Monika!”

            Monika laughed, a little nervously, a little hopefully.  “Y-You’re welcome.”

            “Don’t mention it,” Sayori said.  “Now, I know I said that you don’t have to tell me what’s wrong and all that, but I still want to help you out if I can.  Will you let me do that?”

            “Oh, um…” Monika trailed off.  “I don’t want your help.”

            Sayori retracted her hand, her smile wavering.  “Oh.”

            “No, wait,” Monika said quickly.  “I

            _hurt you didn’t I but it wouldn’t be the first time now would it_

            ’m sorry.  I’m sorry.”  Monika was breathing quickly.  Her lips were dry.  She was

            _back to square one, just like that, one mistake is all it takes_

            starting to feel nauseous.  “What I meant to say was that I…I-I…”

            “Monika, _slow down_ ,” Sayori said, reaching out again.  Monika shrank back, a wild look in her eyes.  “Please, just

            _Monika, no room for you or Yuri or Natsuki so you'd better get out of my way because he’s MINE_

talk to me.  I want to help you.”

            In a lightning bolt of clarity amidst the storm of anxiety which was dragging her down, Monika came to what she thought was a profound realization.  “I don’t deserve your help.”

            “What?” Sayori asked.  Then, she giggled again, but it was a nervous giggle, a you’re-starting-to-sound-a-little-crazy giggle.

            “I…I…”  Monika caught a glimpse of her house out of the corner of her eye.  She turned away quickly.  “I have to go.”

            “Monika, wait!” Sayori cried.  “Please!  You’re scaring me!”

            Monika stopped for a moment.  She tried to look back at her friend, but all she could see was blackness in her eyes and a noose around her neck.  She turned around and sprinted inside, and Sayori’s increasingly frantic yells echoed inside her skull long after she locked the front door and shut herself up in her room.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've officially hit 10,000 words! And more importantly - 100 kudos!! I feel really blessed and happy, and I want to remind you guys and girls how much I appreciate your support. I hope that you enjoy what I've got planned next for the story!


	12. Face to Face

            Monika awoke in darkness.  Blinking once or twice, she squinted with all of her might and found that she could see nothing.  Even when she looked down at her own body, her vision revealed nothing to her.  A wind blew around her, brushing against her skin with the slightest of chills.  She hissed and rubbed her arms, where rows of goosebumps had broken out.  Where were her clothes?

            After a moment or two of curling in on herself in a vain attempt to retain body heat, she realized that the area around her mouth was still warm.  She touched her cheeks with her fingertips, confused.  Then, she breathed out experimentally.  The air came back to her, warming up her cheeks.  She frowned.  Was there

            _someone in front of me_

            a wall or something?  She tried to reach out to feel for it.

            Astoundingly, she felt absolutely nothing.  She felt no wall, and although she could still hear the wind blowing, she didn’t feel her arm pass through the cold air as she lifted it up.  And, of course, she still couldn’t see anything.  Frowning, she grasped about at random to no avail.

            Her eyes widened.  She really couldn’t feel _anything_ with her arm.  It wasn’t even cold anymore.  She slapped it hard, but felt only a dull pain.  She began rubbing both of her arms together, but before long, the numbness spread throughout them entirely.  She could’ve cross-hatched her wrists dozens of times over and she still wouldn’t have felt a thing.

            She rubbed her feet together.  She curled her neck around to rest her head against her shoulder.  She bit her tongue until it bled.  She did everything that she could to feel something – _anything_. 

            She fell down.  Or did she?  It felt the same either way.  She was hyperventilating, but

            _Can you_

            the high pitched wheezing of her throat had long since

            _hear me?_

            been muted.  She felt her chest

            _Please_

            rise and fall,

            _tell me_

            felt the air rush in and out of her throat

            _you can hear me._

            until she didn’t.

            _Anything_.

            Nothing.


	13. Breaks Down

            Monika awoke in darkness.  The world was black, cold, and wet, and for a few seconds, she thought she might be in another nightmare.  But as her room came into focus and the dull gray light of a morning still a few hours away from dawn snuck across her bedcovers, she realized that she was truly awake.

            She weakly kicked her bedcovers off of her body and lay there, panting.  Her chest heaved erratically, and every inch of her was shivering despite the sweat that coated her skin.  It had felt so real.  The wind, the numbness.  For some reason, it reminded her very much

            _of being deleted_

            of the way things used to be.  Before this world – before _reality_ , in a sense.  Back when she was the smart, pretty, athletic Monika, the president of the Literature Club.  Always ready with a confident smile and a bounce of her hips.

            Back when the world was set.  When she had all of the answers.  When she didn’t have to panic over every little conversation she had.

            God.

            She drew her knees up to her chin until she was curled up in a tight little ball, her forearms wrapped around her shins, her delicate fingers clutching her kneecaps like lifelines.  Her legs creaked and cried in pain, as did her arms – she’d been moving around while sleeping, trying to get herself to feel something in her dream.  Her body throbbed, and a whimper worked its way up from the back of her throat, but she didn’t cry.  She was too ashamed to.

            She couldn’t do anything.  Couldn’t be a good president, couldn’t be a halfway decent friend, and couldn’t even get through a single night’s sleep without waking up in a cold sweat over a silly little nightmare.  In that moment, Monika truly and deeply hated everything about herself.

            The frail little girl sniffled and rubbed the corners of her eyes roughly.  No crying.  She didn’t deserve the emotional release that her tears would bring.  How _could_ she, when she’d already failed at so much, had already caused so much trouble for everyone around her…?

            For the umpteenth time since waking up in this new world just under forty-eight hours ago, Monika thought about her friends.  Yesterday, she’d put too much pressure on Yuri to finish her poem for Monday's festival.  Thinking about it now, a part of her had known so even back when the conversation had originally taken place.  But, for some reason, she just couldn’t stop herself from acting that way. She could've spoken in a nicer tone - she just didn't know how to without making her friend even more uncomfortable.

            She’d also been to mean to Sayori, which was perhaps a worse offense, because she'd been doing nothing but trying to help her these past couple of days.  Despite her depression and all of the other problems that Monika knew she was struggling with, Sayori had spent time and effort trying to get through to Monika purely because she cared about her.  And Monika had pushed her away at every opportunity.

            She'd been rude, harsh and condescending.  And maybe even worse than that, now that she thought about it.  From her perspective, she thought that she’d just been standoffish and blunt, but what if she’d said something _really_ bad and just didn’t realize it?  What was Sayori doing right now, this early in the morning?

            _Wait a minute what_

            Monika held her breath.

            _day is it?_

            Monika shot out of her bed and hit the floor running.  Her legs, sore from clenching and thrashing in her sleep, shrieked in protest, but she pushed through the pain.  She flung open her bedroom door and dashed through it without pausing.  She slid wildly across the wood floor of her hallway, trying desperately to gain traction.  Once she did, she sprinted all the way to her front door and, unable to slow down fast enough, charged full-tilt into it, shoulder first.  She cried out in pain, voice cracking, but leapt back into the fray immediately, twisted the doorknob, and yanked the door inward.  She ran through the frame, cursing herself with what little breath she had.  Stupid.  Disrespectful.  _Evil_.

            The grass of her front lawn provided a nice cushion before her bare feet landed on the pavement.  Little pebbles stabbed their way into her soles and between her toes, but she didn’t slow down until she reached the front porch of Sayori’s house.  She paused for an instant to leap up all of the steps in one go.  Her school pride t-shirt thrashed wildly in the wind, causing the image of her school’s mascot to flap and twist about maniacally.  Sayori's front door was unlocked.

            Monika prayed that Sayori’s bedroom was located in the same place as it was in the game, took the staircase two steps at a time, and landed on the first floor with a thud.  She flung open the first door that she saw and dashed in, fumbling on the walls for a light switch.

            “Sayori?” she croaked in a voice that sounded just as ugly as she felt.  “Oh please, oh please…”

            Got it.  She flipped the lights on

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            and saw a perfectly empty room.  Sayori’s bedcovers were spilling out of her bed and onto the floor, but there was no Sayori to be found beneath them.  Nor was there any rope, or anything strange to speak of.  It was just Sayori’s room, in perfectly normal condition – but without Sayori.

            “No,” Monika said to herself.  She scratched at her scalp frantically, her nails pulling up clumps of hair from their resting places and causing them to stick out in every which direction.  “No, no, no, no, no…”  She paced in place and swept her eyes from pink-colored wall to pink-colored wall.  No Sayori.  The cow plush squatting at the foot of her friend’s bed seemed to mock her with its beady, knowing eyes.  Monika continued chanting.  “Where?  Where, where, where, where, where, where – ”

            “Who’s there?”

            A stern, yet shaky female voice called out to Monika from the hallway.  She gasped and whirled around, her eyes darting around madly in a feeble attempt to catch any possible glimpse of whoever had just called out to her.  Monika’s lips moved for several moments without making a sound.

            “Sayori?”

            A few soundless seconds passed, filled only by the rapid heaving of Monika’s chest.  Then, a young, peach-haired high school girl in shorts and a t-shirt walked into the light of her room, her eyes wide and her expression more than a little afraid.  However, when her eyes adjusted to the light, her face shifted into something more along the lines of surprise.

            “Monika?” Sayori said incredulously.

            Monika stammered to herself.  “S-Sayori.”  She took a step forward, her quaking knees threatening to buckle under before she could go any further.  Sayori took a cautious step back, but stopped in her tracks when Monika’s lips began to tremble.  Her vision had grown hazy, and she thought she felt something wet and salty trail down her cheek when she blinked.

            “Sayori,” she said again.  Monika dropped to her knees just a foot in front of her, hanging onto what little composure she had left by a thread.  Her teeth clenched together so hard that they began to ache, and her hands shook.  She wanted so badly to reach up, to put her arms around her friend.  But it hurt so much.  “S-S-SaYOri…”

            The girl in question shushed her friend and bent her knees slightly, placing a hand on Monika’s cheek.

_Strawberry soap_

            Sayori didn’t say anything – couldn’t think of _what_ to say in this strange situation – but it hardly mattered.  Her face did the work for her.  Her furrowed brow and wide, concerned eyes melted Monika's defenses.

            But it was her lips that finished the job.  Because when Sayori was feeling an emotion, it was always expressed in her lips one hundred and ten percent.  When she was happy, she grinned from ear to ear.  When she was feigning sadness, she frowned overdramatically.  But currently, her lips were at neither extreme.  Instead, they were turned down just enough so that they couldn’t be counted as neutral, but also not so far down that they could be considered an objective frown.

            Sayori looked so incredibly, genuinely worried for Monika, and it broke both of their hearts.

            Darkness shielding them from the prying eyes of the world, the president collapsed against her vice, bawling like a child.  Air exuded from her lungs in big bellows, and she cried unreservedly into Sayori’s t-shirt.

            “ _I’m sorry_...” she managed, her voice barely above a whisper.  “ _I’m sorry_ , _I’m sorry_ , _I’m sorry_ , _I’m sorry_ , _I’m sorry_ …”

            Sayori whined sympathetically and held her friend as tenderly as she could.

            “Monika…Monika, I’m fine, what’s wrong…?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             And so ends the second arc of the fic.
> 
>             Real quick, I'd like to once again thank everyone who's reading this. I appreciate every one of you more than you know, and your grace has led me through these last few trying weeks like nothing else could. This fic has exploded beyond anything I could have possibly imagined. The fact that over one thousand people have even clicked on it, and the fact that over one hundred of those saw fit to leave kudos is just insane to me. I hope it doesn't sound like I'm stroking my own ego or anything - I'm not trying to. I'm just trying to convey to you how utterly overwhelming - and inspiring - it is to know that my words have reached such an unbelievable amount of people.
> 
>             So, the second arc ended up being a lot shorter than the first; three whole chapters shorter, to be precise. Although I'm still not completely happy with it, I did my best and it's time to move on. I do think it turned out well enough as is, and if it had gone on for any longer, I worry that it would've felt bloated and overdramatic. Certainly, I think it does its job in bringing Monika to where she needs to be at the beginning of the third arc - namely, the lowest she's ever been. Anyways, said third arc is up next, and that one will see Monika and company getting a little bit of a break from all of the angst that's been getting thrown around. The first draft is basically done and it ended up being as long as the first arc in terms of chapter count (that is to say, eight chapters), which was unexpected, but also kind of interesting considering that it's less intense than both of the arcs that preceded it (with a few exceptions). Beyond that, it's becoming likely that the planned fourth and fifth arcs will get fused together into one, mega, finale arc. But of course, only time will tell in regards to that.
> 
>             Well, as always, I'll keep doing my best with this story and I dearly hope that you'll enjoy what I've got planned next. Thank you again, from the bottom of my heart. <3


	14. Opens Up

            Monika waited in Sayori’s kitchen anxiously.  Above the tabletop, her hands fidgeted, and below it, her feet kicked against the posts of her chair lightly.  By this point, her tears had dried up, but her fear remained, and it was now supplemented by a healthy dose of anxiety, too.  She felt like a kid in the principal’s office, all small and scared and waiting for an adult to come talk to her.

            And if she was the kid in this situation, then Sayori, who was currently standing in front of the microwave and waiting for their hot chocolate to heat up, was the adult.  Sayori wasn’t bouncing around on the balls of her feet, which would have been typical of her.  Instead, she remained stock still, her face locked in on the ticking timer in front of her.  Gulping with a throat that was starting to feel dry and excessively sore, Monika wondered what her friend thought of her at this very moment.

            After what felt like years, the microwave dinged merrily and Sayori extracted a tall glass of hot chocolate.  She carried it back to the table and poured it evenly into two identical mugs.  Sitting across from Monika, she took a small sip and lowered her cup.

            Sayori licked her lips.  “It’s a little hot,” she said with a smile.

            Monika, feeling that she owed it to her friend to reciprocate, managed a smile, herself.  “You did put it in for a while.”

            Sayori nodded.  “Yup.  Usually I fill it with marshmallows, and by the time I’m done, it’s cooled off enough to drink.”

            Monika nodded.  Then, she tilted her head curiously.  “It cools off that fast?  How long do you spend putting marshmallows in it?”

            Sayori frowned.  A classic, please-don't-bully-the-cinnamon-bun frown.  “I don’t have to answer that.”

            Monika hummed thoughtfully.  “Well, why didn’t you put any in today?”

            “We’re…out of marshmallows,” Sayori said, averting her eyes and taking another sip of her hot chocolate.

            Monika smirked.  “Meaning that you ate all of them.”

            Sayori laughed and broke out into a grin.  “Stop being so mean!  I like marshmallows a lot, okay?  They’re super sweet and fluffy, and they melt all over your lips when you have them with hot chocolate…”

            Monika chuckled.  While Sayori continued to expound upon her love for marshmallows, Monika hovered her hand over her mug to test the heat rising up from it.  Then, not satisfied, she lowered her finger down to touch the brownish liquid

            _**Hot**_

            and immediately jerked her hand back, hissing audibly.

            “ _Ow!_ ” Monika cried, sucking on her finger.

            Sayori started to get up from her chair.  “Oh my gosh!  Are you okay?”

            Monika waited to reply until her finger had cooled down.  She removed it from her mouth and wiped it on a nearby napkin with a grimace.  “Fine.  You put it in for _way_ too long.”

            Sayori sat back down with a quiet whine.  “I always put it in for that long…”

            Monika shook her head.  “Don’t worry about it, I’m fine now.”

            However, Sayori refused to let up.  She leaned forward, placing her elbows on the table.  “But you _like_ it hot.”

            So this wasn’t the first time they’d been through this song and dance in this world.  Great.  Another unknown variable to blindside her.  Well, she’d already learned the consequences of attempting to respond in the face of such uncertainty, so Monika waved her hand dismissively instead.  “Forget it, please. I'm _fine_.”

            Silence enveloped them, but only for a couple seconds. Just long enough for a single thought – a single connection.

            Sayori reached for Monika's mug.  “May I?” she asked.

            Monika looked down at her lap and shrugged.

            Taking that to be a yes, Sayori dipped her index finger into Monika’s drink.  Her expression didn’t change a bit.

            “It’s no hotter than mine,” Sayori said quietly.  “Maybe even a little cooler.”

            Monika remained silent.

            Leaning back and sighing, Sayori continued.  “Monika…you’ve been acting like a completely different person these past few days. I don't know what's happened, but whatever it is, it's really starting to get to you.  You need help, and I want to help you, but…I can’t help if you won’t talk to me.”

            Monika looked into the eyes of her friend.  There was nothing hidden there – no ulterior motive to speak of.

            “Please,” Sayori said.  “Tell me what’s wrong.”

            Monika took a deep breath.  “I… _want_ …to tell you,” she said carefully.  “I’m ready to want you to know.  But I don’t think that I can.”

            “Everyone has problems that they have to work through, Monika," Sayori said insistently.  "I won’t think any less of you, I promise.  You’re my friend.”

            “It’s a little more – that’s not it,” Monika stammered, folding her arms around herself and letting her head drop.  “It’s like – I just – ”

            “Slow it down,” Sayori said.

            Monika nodded and took a deep breath.

            “It’s…you just wouldn’t believe me if I told you.  Hold on,” Monika said.  Sayori had opened her mouth to speak, but at that last statement, she closed it.  “It’s not that I don’t think you’ll trust me to be honest, and it’s not that I’ve been feeling an emotion that I think you’ll have trouble understanding.  It’s…something that’s really, actually unbelievable.  No matter how good of a friend you think you are to me, you won’t believe me if I try to explain it to you.”

            Monika nodded, almost to herself, her green eyes looking past Sayori’s clear, blue ones.  “That’s it.  You want to believe, and it’s not that you won’t – but that you can’t.  For you to…t-to…”  Letting out an annoyed huff, Monika paused for a moment to recollect herself.  “For you to believe me would be for you to deny everything that you think you know about yourself and the world around you.  It would only cause you confusion and sadness if I told you why I’ve been acting so horribly.”

            Sayori hummed in sympathy.  “I wouldn’t say _horribly_ …”

            Monika grimaced and, pressing as little skin against the liquid as possible, once more used her finger to test her hot chocolate, which was now closer to lukewarm.  “I’ve been pretty bad.”

            Sayori sighed and looked back up at Monika.  “Okay.  If you don’t want to tell me why, that’s fine.  But you’re still feeling bad, and I still want to help.”

            Monika sighed.  “It isn’t your problem.”

            “Not my – ”  Sayori huffed and gave Monika a stern, half-joking glare.  “You broke into my house at 5 a.m., cried all over my shirt, and are currently drinking a mug of my best hot chocolate!  I think I’m pretty involved at this point.”

            Monika chuckled.  “I…suppose you have a point.”  She took a sip of her hot chocolate.  The pleasantly warm aroma wafted up against her face, gently caressing its contours.  “It tastes nice,” she said.

            Sayori gave a small smile.  “I told you, it's the good stuff!  It’s more expensive, but it’s _so_ worth it, especially when you need a pick-me-up.”

            Monika looked at Sayori helplessly.  “God, why are you so perfect?”

            Sayori blushed.  “I’m…not??”

            With a sad smile, Monika took a sip out of her mug again.  “Yes, you are.”

            With a light chuckle, Sayori turned away shyly.  “Nobody’s perfect…”

            “Well...I think that you are,” Monika replied. Sayori shrugged, and they shared a comfortable silence for a few moments, punctuated only by the sipping of hot chocolate.

            “So…like I said, you don’t have to tell me everything,” Sayori said.  “But we’re friends, and I care about you.”

            Monika sighed and nodded.  “I know, I know.”  She gulped and thought for a moment before continuing.  “I want your help.”

            “Okay,” said Sayori, nodding encouragingly.  “Then tell me how I can help you.”

            Monika sighed again, interlaced her fingers, and rested her chin on them.  She’d been experiencing so many problems that she hardly knew where to start.  She was worried about being trapped in unpredictable situations and of people telling her things that she didn’t understand, to start.  She was just so

            _uncertain_

            helpless all of the time, and she didn’t know what to do.  There was no way for her to

            _know_

            predict how things would happen anymore.  So, how…?

            She looked down at her hot chocolate.  It had cooled down considerably, and she’d drank about half of it.  Her mind wandered back to the feeling of extreme heat against her fingertip, and about how she’d pulled back as soon as the pain had registered.  She’d had no way of knowing that it would feel so incredibly hot.  She couldn’t have possibly expected something like that to happen.

            It was completely unfair.  How could any reasonable person anticipate something so utterly unexpected?

            Monika’s eyes widened.  “Oh.”

            Sayori tilted her head.  “I’m sorry, what did you say?”

            But the gears were already turning, and they couldn’t be stopped.  The president of the Literature Club pushed her finger down into her hot chocolate as far as it would go.  About a third of her index finger was now submerged, and the tip was pressed against the bottom of the mug firmly.  Liquid sloshed and swirled around it in stranger ways by the second.

            “Oh,” Monika said again.  “Oh, my _God_.  I get it now.”

            Sayori looked concerned again.  “What?  What is it?”

            “N-No, I’m fine,” she said in response.  A cautious smile was starting to spread across her face.  “I just...I think that I finally understand why it's all been so difficult.”

            “All this time, I’ve been so worried about ‘uncertainty.’  Strange places, unfamiliar experiences, and most of all, people whose words I can’t predict.  I’ve been putting so much pressure on myself, trying to account for every possibility, but…that was completely insane of me!  It’s impossible for a single person to account for all of the infinite routes that this reality can take!

            “I shouldn’t be trying to predict them at all!  How could I?  Yes, that’s _it_ …a real conversation isn’t set in stone.  The very _nature_ of two people talking to one another is unpredictable.  They could end on the same subject that they started on, or somewhere completely different.  Preparing for those instances is impossible, but taking it as it comes _isn’t_.  I know what I need to do, now…I know what I need to do!  I need to learn how to talk to people without anticipating their responses.  I need to speak my mind without wondering where it’ll take me.  I can’t worry where talking will lead – I just need to _talk_.  That’s it.”

            Monika pitched forward, out of breath.  After a moment, she looked down at Sayori,

            _Am I standing up?_

            who looked completely dumbfounded.

            That familiar twist of anxiety took hold of her gut, but Monika didn’t move.  She stared back at her friend, still smiling that fragile smile of hers.  She wouldn’t let herself think about what Sayori would say.  She wouldn’t let herself worry.  She’d sit here and wait and take it as it comes.

            A few more seconds passed.  Then, a smile spread itself across Sayori’s face, and she began applauding.

            “Wooooo!  Bravo!” she cheered happily, giggling as she did so.  “That was sooo cool!  I didn’t get all of it, but it sounded super poetic!”

            Monika’s hands were shaking.  She sat back down in her seat and let out a breath she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.

            “But, um, if you don’t mind…” Sayori pressed her fingers together and changed her expression into something more serious.  “Can you say it again in a way that’s a little more understandable?  No offense?”

            “None taken,” Monika said with a chuckle.  “What I meant to say, was…can you teach me how to talk to people?”


	15. Shares Thoughts

            “For starters, I think it comes down to honesty.”

            They’d finished their hot chocolate and moved upstairs to Sayori’s room.  Monika was leaning against the doorframe and Sayori was whizzing between her closet and bureau, assembling her outfit for the day.  The first few rays of the sun were shining in through the bedroom window, and some birds could be heard chirping, as well.  Monika was reminded faintly of that first morning when she’d woken up in this new world.  She hummed thoughtfully before replying.

            “Well, naturally,” she said.  “I’ve always tried to be honest with you though, haven’t I?”

            Sayori, who had been considering a polka-dot tank top, hummed thoughtfully and returned the article to its drawer.  “Well, I’m sure you’ve _tried_ to be honest, but I don’t that you’ve succeeded one hundred percent…no offense.”

            Monika looked at her friend confusedly.  “None taken, but...well, I’m sure that I haven’t lied to you at all.  Not once.”

            “Well, it’s not _really_ a matter of lying…” Sayori continued.  Having had finally gathered the pieces of her outfit together in one place, she began to lift her shirt up and over her head before pausing and looking over her shoulder at her friend questioningly.  “You don’t mind if I change, do you?”

            “Oh, not at all.  It’s your room, after all,” Monika replied, gesturing for Sayori to continue.  As she did so, she turned away from her friend – somehow, it didn’t feel right to watch her as she did it.

            Sayori smiled and gave a thumbs up before resuming undressing.  “Well, like I was saying – and it’s a little bit hard to describe, but – lately, it’s seemed like you’ve been holding something back from people.  It’s like sometimes you won’t want to talk at all and other times you’ll say too much.  Whenever people talked to you, you clammed up, but whenever you talked to other people, you were super blunt.”

            Monika thought back to her conversation with Yuri the day before and winced.  “That’s fair.”

            Sayori nodded in acknowledgement before looking off to the side nervously.  “Sorry, it feels weird to talk about you so…umm…meanly.”

            Monika shook her head emphatically.  “It’s not mean, Sayori.  I promise.  This is actually helping me a lot, so please continue.”

            Sayori took a breath and smiled.  “Okay.  So I think that it’s important for you to be more honest in both of those situations that I just mentioned – to say what you’re really feeling, you know?  That way, you’ll still have something to say when you’re uncomfortable and you’ll be less, you know, _bold_ when you, yourself talk.”  She punctuated her point by balling up her shirt and lobbing it into an overstuffed hamper which was slouching forlornly in the corner of the room.  She hopped up on one foot.  “Oh!  Score!”

            “Nice,” Monika said with a wistful smile.  “Well, I understand what you’re saying, but how will being honest make me feel better about talking to people?”

            Sayori hummed, slipping off her shorts.  “Well, it may not right away.  It’s possible to pull off a conversation while still feeling really uncomfortable and stuff.”  She paused for a moment, staring off into space.  Then, as though she was blowing away a cluster of rainclouds, Sayori shook her head and reached for a flowery t-shirt.  “Anyways, if you’re honest with how you’re feeling and what you truly want to say, then people will understand you a whole lot better.”

            Monika stroked her chin thoughtfully.  “So, let’s say I was uncomfortable in a certain situation.  If I were to, say, tell people that I was feeling that way…they’d give me time to recollect myself?”

            Sayori slipped on a pair of denim shorts and considered the question for a moment.  “They might.  But what’s important is that they’ll, like, expicitly know how you’re feeling.  From then on, if the conversation goes wrong, it's no longer your fault.”

            “I see,” Monika mumbled distractedly, still deep in thought. "Oh, it's 'explicitly,' by the way."

            “Yeah, that,” Sayori said with a giggle.  She trotted past Monika with a skip and a smile.  “And now it’s time to brush my teeth~”

            Monika cracked a smile.  As Sayori passed her on the way out the door, she playfully nudged her friend with an elbow.  “No bra?”

            Sayori sighed dramatically.  “Oh, how I _wish_ that I needed one.  I’m barely a b-cup.  It wouldn’t even do anything.”

            Monika chuckled.  “Well, I think that…”  She trailed off and covered her mouth.  “N-Nevermind.”

            Sayori turned back to Monika, eyes wide and curious.  “What?”

            “It’s nothing,” Monika said, her smile faltering a bit.  “Go brush your teeth.”

            Sayori didn’t reply immediately, but instead planted her hands firmly on her hips and stared down Monika for a solid few seconds.  “Monikaaa.  Think about it.”

            Monika regarded Sayori quizzically for a moment before the tumblers fell into place.  “Oh, right.  Honesty.  Okay, well, I was just going to say that…”  She cleared her throat.  “That I think they suit you just fine.”

            Sayori blushed a little.  “O-Oh.”

            Monika gulped, her gut twisting around itself quite suddenly.  It was with a significant amount of effort that she opened her mouth again to ask, “D-Did I mess up?”

            “No, just…” Sayori covered her mouth with her hands, but Monika still saw her smiling wider than she’d ever seen her before.  “That’s, like, the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.  Thank you so much.”

            Monika chuckled.  “The nicest thing _ever_?  That’s hard to believe.”

            Sayori squinted over her hands.  “You meanie.”  She turned on her heel and marched into the bathroom.

            Monika’s smile faltered.  “W-Wait, did I offend you or something?!” Monika asked, rushing over to the bathroom door.  “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to – I meant, like – I was trying to say that you – ”

            “Monika, _relax_ ,” Sayori said.  She was already combing her hair, and by Monika’s estimation, she seemed fine.  She offered up a small smile.  “I know what you meant, I was just making a joke.”

            Monika sighed and crossed her arms, looking down at the ground.  “Okay…”

            Sayori grabbed a nearby tube of toothpaste and regarded her friend sympathetically.  “Sorry.  I probably should’ve told you that I wasn’t being serious."

            “No, no, it’s fine,” Monika said.

            Sayori hummed.  “Sometimes, you can feel uncertain even when you say the right thing.  It’s super frustrating.”

            Monika chuckled dryly.  “Yeah.  I just wish I had more confidence, or – I just wish I knew what I was doing _wrong_.”

            Sayori brushed her teeth swiftly and gargled some water, spitting it out gently into the sink below.  “It’s hard to know.  Talking to people is a skill, but it’s not like other skills where the problems are tangible and have direct solutions.”

            “Or where improvement is something that can actually be _measured_ ,” Monika remarked bitterly.

            Sayori squinted at her friend half-jokingly.  “Of course, it _would_ be easier if I knew what was bothering you specifically…”

            Monika looked off to the side.  “Sorry,” she said quietly.

            With a hum, Sayori walked out of the bathroom and patted her friend on the shoulder.  “It’s okay.  Things are going to get better, I promise.”

            “How?” Monika asked incredulously.  “Your advice is great, but…I mean, you’re telling me to be honest with other people when just talking to them at _all_ is already difficult.  Saying what’s really on my mind all of the time would be – I mean, how could _anyone_ talk without holding something back, even if it’s only a little?  And it seems like the only way that I could possibly improve would be to keep throwing myself into social situations and flopping around like a dying fish until I get the hang of it.”

            Sayori smiled sympathetically.

            Monika’s shoulders slumped.

            “Oh, no…” she groaned.


	16. Requests Repentance

            Monika stood on Yuri’s doorstep, sweating profusely, her finger hovering over the doorbell.  For the umpteenth time in as many minutes, she turned to Sayori and asked, “Do I have to?”

            Sayori whined from a few steps behind.  “Monikaaa.”

            “I know, I know…” Monika groaned.

            “It’ll be fine.  It’ll go just like I said it would when I drove us here,” Sayori said, pumping her fists into the air in an effort to invigorate her anxiety-riddled friend.  “We’re here to hang out and help her with the decorations!  I’ll take charge of the conversation, and you and Yuri can each chime in every so often.  It’s the perfect plan!”

            Monika looked down at Sayori pleadingly.  And, as many times before, Sayori did nothing but stare back with big eyes and an ever-so-slight pout.  Monika turned away, helpless before Sayori’s innate talent for cuteness, and let out a defeated sigh.

            They’d stopped at Monika’s house on the way to Yuri’s, and she’d changed into a white, knee-length dress.  It breathed nicely, and curls of cool, Spring air brushed pleasantly against her legs and exposed arms.  However, pleasant though the breeze was, it did nothing to lower her heartrate or her anxiety, both of which remained locked in at a high velocity and showed no signs of slowing down.

            However, deep down, Monika knew that she would have to ring the doorbell eventually.  Sayori would go through every pair of puppy dog eyes in her entourage if she didn’t.  But, beyond that, she understood now that experience was the only way that she was going to get better at talking to people.  She had to do this for her own sake – and for the sake of those around her.

            So, with one final breath, she rang the doorbell.

            She waited five seconds.

            Then she waited ten.

            At fifteen, she turned and looked back at Sayori awkwardly.  The girl in question tilted her head confusedly, reached up, and rang the doorbell herself.  Again, there was no response for several seconds.  Then, just as Monika reached up to ring again, a sharp _click_ was heard from the door, and a heartbeat later, it opened a crack.

            A pair of bloodshot eyes stared back from the darkness of the house – what little of the eyes that could be seen, that is, through the veil of tousled, unkempt hair that shrouded them from the light.  They glimmered faintly in recognition.  “Hi, Monika,” croaked a voice from beyond the doorframe.

            Monika was lost for words.  “Y-Yuri?”

            “Oh my gosh, what happened?!” Sayori said, hopping up to stand on the front porch by Monika’s side.  “You look super tired!”

            ‘Tired’ wasn’t the phrase that Monika was thinking of – something closer to ‘deathly ill’ felt more appropriate.  Yuri was wearing a pair of baggy sweatpants and an equally baggy sweater that reached down to below her wrists, leaving only the tips of her fingers to poke out from their depths.  They twitched errantly, as though they had somewhere to be – or something to write.  Dark bags sagged under the girl’s eyes, and her face was gaunt and lifeless.  A little _too_ lifeless for Monika’s liking, and she shuddered inwardly, recalling a particularly disturbing image file from her past sins.

            But she clenched her fists, gritted her teeth, and stood her ground.  She wouldn’t allow any more self-deprecation, however much she deserved it.  She wasn’t going to improve herself by standing still and letting things take their course without her.  She had to take action – and she had to be honest.

            And so, Monika said the first thing that came to mind:  “Are you alright?”

            “I’m fine,” Yuri replied, rubbing her eyes.  “What’s going on?”

            “Didn’t you get my texts?” Sayori asked concernedly.  “Monika and I came over to make the decorations with you.”

            Yuri stared off into space for a moment before nodding slowly.  “Right.  I’ve got to get those done, too…”  She slumped against the doorframe, sinking almost a full six inches downwards.

            “‘Too?’” Monika repeated questioningly.  “What have you been doing?”

            “I…”  Yuri paused to yawn.  “I have been working on completing my poem for Monday.”

            “You’re - because of the _poem_?” Monika asked incredulously.  “If it’s giving you this much trouble, then…I mean, you don’t have to put yourself through all of this just for a poem.”

            For an instant, Yuri’s body stiffened.  Then, just as quickly as Monika registered the change, her friend deflated once more.  “I told you, I’m fine,” she replied.  “Now, I really have to get back to writing it, so if you don’t mind…”

            Yuri made to close the door, but without even thinking, Monika reached out and grabbed onto its edge so forcefully that Yuri and Sayori both jumped.

            “Yuri, _no_ ,” Monika said as firmly as she could.  “This is too painful to watch. You’re my friend, and the last thing I want is for you to hurt yourself for the sake of the club.”

            Yuri shrank back a little.  “B-But you said – ”

            “I _know_ what I said!” cried Monika.  Then, catching herself slipping, she paused for a moment before continuing, her heart slamming against the walls of her chest like a jackhammer attempting to plow through concrete.  “I messed up on Friday.  Okay?  I should’ve been thinking about what was best for you.  I didn’t…”

            Monika took a shaky breath.  “I didn’t _want_ to put the needs of the club over the needs of my friends.  I was stressed and tired and anxious and…I messed up.  That’s all.”

            Sayori elected to remain silent.  Yuri’s hands gripped the edges of her sleeves tightly.

            “I…” she said quietly, her breath rattling in and out of her throat.  “I have to go finish my poem…”

            “What?  Are you even listening to me?” Monika cried.  “I just said, you don’t have to do that – ”

            In one, swift motion, Monika’s hand was knocked away from the door.  Yuri swiftly retreated back into the darkness of her house and slammed her front door shut.  Monika had just recovered and grabbed onto the doorknob when she heard it lock.

            “Whoa,” was all that Sayori could offer.  She looked down at Monika’s wrist worriedly.  “Are you okay?  I can’t believe she actually _hit_ you…”

            “It doesn’t hurt,” Monika said.  She put a hand to her forehead and let out a frustrated sigh.  “Damn it.  I messed up and said the wrong thing again.”

            “N-No, I think that you did fine, actually…” Sayori said, resting a hand on Monika’s shoulder.  “You apologized to her and everything.”

            “Mmm,” Monika hummed and looked off to the side.  “Doesn’t feel like enough.”

            Sayori gave a short chuckle.  “You’re not perfect, Monika.  Your best is all you can do, and I think that you did your best.  Besides,” she continued, her smile wavering.  “It seems like Yuri has her own reasons for wanting to finish that poem so bad aside from performing it at the festival.”

            Monika frowned.  “Well, whatever they are, they aren’t worth that level of self-destruction.”

            “It might feel like it’s worth it to her, though,” Sayori replied.  “Emotions are hard that way.  They can trick you into feeling something that isn’t actually true.”

            “Well, then her feelings are wrong,” Monika said, reaching for the doorbell.  “Let’s try and get through to her again.”

            “What?  No way!” Sayori said, slapping Monika’s hand away.

            “Ow-w…” Monika whined.  “Okay, _that_ one hurt.”

            “Sorry,” Sayori said with a sympathetic smile.  “But anyways, there’s no way that Yuri will listen to either of us if she's this out of it.”

            “Then we’ll have to try harder,” Monika replied.  “We can’t just _leave_ her like this.  She’s our friend!”

            Sayori walked around to stand in front of Monika and raised her hands up to either side of her friend’s face.  Monika looked at them cautiously before Sayori brought them together to slap her on both of her cheeks lightly.

            “Hey…” Monika muttered with a chuckle.

            Sayori reciprocated with a small smile.  “We’re not going to leave her like this.  We’re just going to need a little help.”

            “Alright,” Monika replied, taking a deep breath.  “Who’s going to help us?”

            Sayori took out her phone and started scrolling through her contacts.  “Natsuki.”

            “What?!” Monika shouted.  “But – but – they fight all of the time!”

            “I know, but they still care about each other very much,” Sayori said.  “And Natsuki’s the only one who’s aggressive enough to talk to Yuri when she closes herself off like this, right?”

            “I…” Monika trailed off.  “That’s fair, but how can you know for sure that they won’t end up at each other’s throats?”

            Sayori smiled nervously.  “I mean, I can’t be one hundred percent sure.  But I also know that she’s the best chance we’ve got.  We can’t do this by ourselves, Monika.”

            Monika looked at Sayori helplessly, and the peach-haired girl offered up a sympathetic smile, grabbing Monika’s hand and squeezing it softly.  “Do you trust me?”

            Monika thought hard for a moment.  Even if she tried again, she considered herself far too socially inexperienced to get Yuri to open up.  And, now that she thought about it, she supposed that Sayori might be a little too mild when it came to handling Yuri’s more intense emotions, meaning that the two of them were useless on their own.  Given that, and reminding herself one last time to speak from the heart…

            Monika smiled nervously.  “I trust you to do the best you can,” she said, intertwining her fingers around Sayori’s and squeezing back.  “And right now, I think that the best we can do is get Natsuki to help us.”

            Sayori beamed.  “Look at you go!  You’re already getting better.”  She raised her phone up to her ear just as it began to ring.


	17. Stands By

            About twenty minutes later, the figure of a petit, pink-haired girl became visible in the distance, jogging along the sidewalk.  Monika, who’d been standing at the ready the entire time, used her foot to nudge Sayori, who’d been laying across Yuri’s front porch like a cat.

            “Hey, she’s here,” Monika said.  “I think you might want to get up.”

            Sayori whined and stretched out her limbs.  “But the Sun feels so goooood…”

            Monika chuckled.  “I don’t think Natsuki’s going to appreciate that.”

            “Mmm…she’ll be fine,” Sayori replied, rolling over.

            As though on cue, Natsuki sprinted the final dozen or so meters to Yuri’s front porch and thrust the toe of her pink sneaker firmly into Sayori’s ribcage.

            “Get up, lazybones,” she said.  “And finish telling me what’s going on!  What’s this about Yuri having a rough time?”

            “Owww…” Sayori whined, sitting up and rubbing her side.  “Why are you always so pushy?”

            Monika waved awkwardly in Natsuki’s direction.  “H-Hey, Natsuki.”

            “Hi,” Natsuki replied curtly before immediately turning her attention back to Sayori.  “Now _spill_.”

            “Okay, okay,” Sayori said, hopping to her feet.  “Yuri’s…kind of a mess right now.  She’s tired and stressed, and I’m pretty sure she’s done nothing but work on her festival poem since Friday.”

            At that last line, Monika thought she saw Natsuki’s eyes flit over to her for an instant.

            “S-Sorry,” Monika said reflexively.

            Natsuki squinted in her direction.  “What?”

            Monika’s face was starting to heat up.  “I-I...

_For starters, I think it comes down to honesty._

            …I pressured Yuri too much on Friday about her poem, and now this is happening…” Monika mumbled, unable to meet Natsuki’s eyes.

            Natsuki sighed.  “Whatever.  Let me try to talk to her,” she said, making for the door.

            “Um – ” was all that Monika could get out as Natsuki attempted - and failed - to turn the knob and yank open the front door.

            “ _Oh_ , of course.  That idiot…” Natsuki ranted, ringing the doorbell several times quickly.

            Monika and Sayori backed away from Natsuki cautiously.  Her movements were growing quite erratic, and she began to tap both her foot and her fingers at the same time as she waited for Yuri to answer the door.  Every five or so seconds, Natsuki assaulted the doorbell with another bout of rings.

            As such, it was fairly soon thereafter that the lock turned and the door cracked open once more.  Yuri peeked out from the depths of her house meekly.

            “N-Natsuki?” she said.  “Why are you – ”

            “You look terrible,” Natsuki said flatly, cutting her off.  Monika’s breath caught in her throat, and she turned to Sayori worriedly.

            “I…um…”  Yuri looked away and closed the door a centimeter or two.  “I didn’t sleep very well last night…”

            “Oh, yeah?  Did you sleep at _all?_ ” Natsuki interrogated, planting her foot firmly inside Yuri’s house and preventing the door from any further movement.  All three of her friends jumped.

            “T-That…that’s an inappropriate question to ask, Natsuki…” Yuri responded with just a hint of irritation.  “M-My lifestyle is my business – ”

            “Sure, as long as it doesn’t affect other people, egghead,” Natsuki snapped.  “And in case you haven’t noticed, it _has_.”

            “I…” Yuri trailed off and whined.  “I d-didn’t mean to _worry_ you, I just…”

            Natsuki sighed and crossed her arms.  “Go upstairs and clean yourself up.  And after that, get some sleep, okay?”

            “B-B-But…” Yuri stammered insistently, fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweater.  “M-My _poem_ – ”

            “ _Fuck your poem!_ ” Natsuki shouted, grabbing Yuri by the collar of her sweater and dragging her into the light of the outside world.  At this, Monika and Sayori both stepped forward, but Natuski swung her head around and glared at them with eyes so hot that even the Devil himself would shrink back for fear that, despite all the evidence to the contrary, he might be mortal.

            Monika gulped.  She wasn’t sure whether the emotion she was witnessing was anger, concern, or something else entirely, but whatever it was, it was _intense_.

            Natsuki whirled back around to Yuri, who was looking thoroughly shocked and equally as uncomfortable, and started shouting so close to her face that their lips were almost touching.

            “ _Listen up_ ,” she started.  “I don’t know what’s up with you and that poem you’ve been writing, but you’ve been at it _all week_.  If it’s not done now, then it’s not getting done any time soon.  And it’s not worth getting done at _all_ if you’re torturing yourself to do it!  You look like hell, you smell like death, you’re procrastinating on preparing the decorations for the festival, and you’re worrying your friends.  And you’re worrying _me_.”

            Natsuki scowled angrily.  “So, for the last time, take a shower and get to your room or so help me God I’ll follow you up there and tie you down to your bedposts _myself!_ ”

            For several seconds, all that could be heard was heavy panting.  Natsuki was completely out of breath after giving such an impassioned speech, and for some reason, Yuri was panting, too.  As the seconds dragged on, Monika wrung her hands together anxiously, waiting for someone, anyone, to make a move.

            Then, at last, Yuri took a deep breath and managed a shaky nod.

            “Good,” Natsuki said instantly, not missing a beat.  “Now go shower.”

            Yuri left the door open and retreated back into her house, her eyes slightly more focused than before.  Shambling footsteps could be heard within, ascending to the first floor of the building. Natsuki stepped fully inside of the house without hesitation.  “ _If I don’t hear that water running in five minutes, I’m coming up!_ ” she shouted up the stairs.

            Monika let out a breath that she hadn’t realized she’d been holding.  “Oh my _God_.”

            “You can say that again,” Sayori replied, chuckling nervously.  “I’m so glad it ended up working out.”

            “You can say _that_ again,” Monika replied breathlessly.  “How did you know?”

            Sayori hummed and patted her friend’s shoulder.  “I already told you – I _didn’t_ know.  I just did my best, that’s all.  You said the same thing, remember?”

            “Well, yeah…” Monika said.  “I guess, after everything, all we had to do was stand back and let things take their course.”  She looked back towards Yuri’s ajar front door and frowned.  “Wait, did Natsuki go _inside?_ ”

            Sayori laughed. "Yup! She totally just left us out here!”

            Monika laughed exasperatedly.  She and her friend followed Natsuki’s lead and entered Yuri’s house, closing the front door behind them.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We've made it to 2000 hits!! Damn, that number is so incomprehensible to me (I'm still having trouble wrapping my head around 100+ kudos, to be honest lol). Thank you all so much for your interest and your support. I'll keep doing my best for you and for the story!


	18. Speaks Honestly

            Monika and Sayori didn’t see Natsuki immediately when they walked into Yuri’s house, and for a moment, they were a little worried that she had, indeed, gone upstairs to yell at Yuri some more.  But, deciding to give their friend the benefit of the doubt, they passed by the stairs and went on into the kitchen, where they were rewarded by the sight of Natsuki gathering a small pile of tea packets and mugs from the cabinets.

            “Hey, Natsuki,” said Monika, frowning.  “Um…that stuff’s all Yuri’s.”

            “Trust me, she doesn’t mind,” Natsuki replied with a small smirk.  “She likes to get other peoples’ opinions about her tea.  If she wakes up to all of us telling her what we thought, she’d damn near thank us.”

            “Huh,” Monika said.  “You know her really well, don’t you?”

            Natsuki squinted.  “Yeah.  She’s my _friend_.”

            Monika looked away and pursed her lips.  When it came to Natsuki, she truly couldn’t tell if she was doing a single thing right.

            Thankfully, Sayori was still there to swoop in and save the day.  “So, hey!  Natsuki!  Are you excited for the festival on Monday?”

            Natsuki’s only response was a shrug as she turned her back to Sayori, filling a teapot with water.  “I guess.”

            As Sayori and Natsuki continued bantering, Monika placed a hand on her chin.  That was a rather halfhearted response just now.  Clearly, Natsuki wasn’t excited at all about the festival.  Of course, that would make sense considering the fact that, back in the game, she’d had the desire to keep the club to just the four original members.  It seemed like she still harbored those feelings, here.  But had she explicitly expressed them yet?  It certainly seemed like a situation that hadn’t been resolved.

            Monika gritted her teeth and furrowed her brow, glad that the attention of the two other girls was off of her while she mulled this over.  She wanted to help her friend, but at the same time, felt sure that she was going to fail in that endeavor.  Could she afford to take the risk of making her relationship with Natsuki worse?

            She clenched her fists.  If Sayori could stick by her side despite everything Monika had put her through, then she had to count on Natsuki doing the same in the worst case scenario.  She’d just have to try her best and trust that Natsuki would understand.

            Monika cleared her throat, and when the next lapse occurred in the conversation, she spoke up.

            “Hey, Sayori,” she started.  “Can I talk to Natsuki alone for a minute?”

            Both Sayori and Natsuki looked at her questioningly.  “If it’s about performing on Monday, I’m _still_ not doing it,” Natsuki growled.

            “N-No,” Monika stammered.  “Something else.”  She gave Sayori a knowing look.  Sayori exhaled slightly and gave her a warm smile.

            “Well, if you say so.  I’ll be right outside.”  Sayori bounced past her merrily.  “Knock her dead!” she whispered in Monika’s ear on her way by.

            Monika smiled.  But that smile, as well as her confidence, both dropped tremendously and settled down somewhere in the pit of her stomach soon after she heard the front door close behind Sayori.  She was all alone with Natsuki and the pressure was on.

            Natsuki huffed and leaned back, resting her hands on the countertop.  “Alright, spill.”

            Monika wrung her hands and tried to figure out where to begin.  “Okay, well, I wanted to talk to you about…that is to say, I wanted to reassure you…I, um…”

            Monika growled and smacked her forehead with her palms.  “Okay, okay, okay.  Let me start over.”

            Natsuki squinted at her, a little worried over that display of physicality, but Monika continued unabated, not allowing herself to acknowledge her lack of confidence even for a second.  “I…have been having trouble talking to people lately.  It’s an issue that I’m working on, but before anything else, I just want to let you know in advance that I might mess up and say something hurtful.  If that happens, I promise you that I don’t mean it.”

            “O-kay…?” Natsuki said, crossing her arms.

            “Okay,” replied Monika, taking another deep breath.  “Okay.  So, I know that you aren’t all that excited for the festival.”

            Natsuki hummed and looked away, but didn’t try to deny it.

            “I _also_ know,” Monika continued.  “That you – and Yuri, as well – don’t like the idea of adding new members in the first place.  I know that you’d rather the Literature Club stay a close-knit group of friends instead of turning into something bigger and more organized.”

            Natsuki’s eyes sizzled, and she put her hands on her hips.  “Ex- _cuse_ me?  When exactly did we say anything like that?”

            Monika raised her hands defensively and took a step back.  “H-Have you not told me that yet?”

            “What kind of a question is that?” Natsuki ranted.  “Did Sayori tell you?  I swear, I’m going to _kill_ that girl one of these days.”

            “Sayori wouldn’t – Look, n-no one told me anything,” Monika stammered.  She forced her hands down to her sides.  “I just…figured it out.”

            After glaring at Monika for a few moments longer, Natsuki whirled around and busied herself with organizing the tea packets into meaningless little rows.  “Okay.  So, we’re not into the idea of newcomers.  Are you going to give me a speech about sharing my love of writing with the world or some bullcrap like that?”

            “I-I’m not trying to change your mind,” Monika said, growing increasingly flustered.  Why on Earth did she think it would be a good idea to have this kind of a conversation with Natsuki, of all people?  “I’m trying to…”

            But what _was_ she trying to do?  She didn’t have a solution to Natsuki’s feelings, and she certainly couldn’t stop the festival from happening.  So, what could she say that would help her friend?

            After a moment or two of hard thinking, Monika continued.  “I want you to know that…I understand your feelings.  And, as the club’s president, I’m going to take them into consideration moving forward.”

            Natsuki stopped what she was doing and peeked over her shoulder.  “Yeah?  How so?”

            “I…well, I don’t know yet,” Monika admitted.  “The festival’s going to happen one way or another, because Sayori and I still want new members.  But if you and Yuri don’t, that’s half the club.  I can’t ignore that.”

            She leaned her elbows on the countertop in front of her and stared off into space.  “Maybe we could…I don’t know…make it so that the full club only meets for some of the week?  Keep designated days that are just us four?  Something like that?”

            She looked up at Natsuki hopefully, but received only a pair of crossed arms and an intense, if slightly curious, glare.  She sighed and squeezed her hands into tight fists.  Time to finish it off.

            “I want the Literature Club to be for _everyone_ , and that includes you and Yuri.  I don’t know how the club will change in the future, but I just wanted to promise you that I’m going to do my best to make sure that it changes in a way that makes you just as happy as everyone else.”

            Natsuki huffed ambiguously. Monika huddled her arms closer to herself, sweating through her skin, unable to meet her friend eyes.

            The sound of a showerhead turning on upstairs broke the silence.

            Natsuki rolled her eyes and giggled.  “ _Finally_.  Such a slowpoke.”

            Monika hummed, but smiled despite herself.  “I wouldn’t call Yuri _slow_ …”

            “No, seriously,” Natsuki continued.  “Everything’s got to be just right with her.  She can’t do it otherwise 'cause she's always so caught up in the details.  I've started doing all of her housework for her just so that it can get done this _century_.”

            “Housework?” Monika chuckled.  “You two must hang out a lot.”

            Natsuki squinted at Monika.  “Isn't that what friends do?” she growled dangerously.

            “Oh.  Of c-course.  Sorry,” Monika said sheepishly.

            Natsuki smirked.  “It’s fine.  Anyways,” she said, uncrossing her arms.  “I appreciate the gesture.  I’m sure Yuri will, too.”

            “I hope so,” Monika said, bowing her head.  “Thank you for being so understanding.”

            Natsuki rolled her eyes and looked away.  “Come on, none of that.  You’re embarrassing yourself.”

            “S-Sorry,” Monika said again, straightening up quickly.

            “Quit apologizing already!” Natsuki said firmly, turning around to check the teapot.  “And go grab Sayori, the water’s almost done.”

            “Oh, yeah. Sure,” Monika said, turning on her heel.  She walked to the front door with the proudest of smiles on her face.  She’d succeeded fantastically.


	19. Lie to Lie

            After Monika brought Sayori back into the house, the two of them had tea with Natsuki.  The three of them gathered in a small circle around the table in Yuri’s dining room and drank together, relishing in each other’s company and in the drinks which warmed them from the inside out.

            True to her word, Sayori did most of the talking for Monika.  She brought up all sorts of topics – when do you think Yuri will wake up?  Are you sure she doesn’t mind that I’m using her placemat?  What flavors of cupcakes are you planning on baking?  Whenever there was a lull, whenever Monika stopped making eye contact with one of them, Sayori would speak up, always happy to help a friend.

            Is that honesty?  To talk and talk for others, never ceasing in your quest to please your friends?  Sayori has entertained, but never once seriously considered the notion that she, too, might be deserving of the love and attention which she gives so freely to those around her.  And, after all, to help others is what she most desires.  It is what gives her purpose.  Is it honesty, then, that she should pursue those ends in every waking moment that she endures?

            In the hour that followed, Monika observed her friends as calmly as she could.  Her heart still pounded, but there was a part of it that was excited instead of nervous.  An environment like this, controlled by Sayori yet still unpredictable due to Natsuki, was perfect for improving her conversational skills.  With every sentence, she developed new tactics and honed her already existing ones.  More often was she able to speak her mind, and more often was she able to do so without anxiety affecting her words on their path from her mind to her lips.  And whenever she fell in too deep, Sayori was there to pull her out.

            Is that honesty?  To be genuine only as much as you are able, and to be carried when your limits bind you?  To try one’s hardest, but still rely so heavily on others?  In her own way, Monika has always cared about both herself and her friends, and she thinks it good that she can improve at something that will make both her and others happy.  Is such an emotion an honest one in spite of her flaws?

            A time later, the three friends placed their mugs in the kitchen sink and changed locations.  As she made the trek from the kitchen to the living room couch, Natsuki rolled her eyes and shot Sayori a snide but well-humored comment over her shoulder.  Sayori keeled over in mock pain while Monika stepped a few paces towards her, mildly concerned.  While Sayori waved off her friend, assuring her that it was all in good fun, Natsuki flopped down onto the couch cushions, causing a folded sheet of notebook paper to tumble out of her pocket and onto the carpet below.

            At the same time, in a room above the three friends, Yuri awoke in darkness.  Having had closed her door and long since drawn the shutters, there wasn’t a speck of light anywhere in the room to break the blackness.  Slowly, she sat up in bed, the covers tumbling off of her naked frame.  She was so exhausted that she’d gone right to bed after having had showered earlier, and she shifted to the edge of her mattress, allowing her feet to dangle there for a moment or two.  Knowing that she would not fall asleep again and hearing her friends’ voices echo from beneath her, she stood up and walked over to her bureau, the crinkling of notebook paper resounding underfoot.

            Just as Sayori finished reassuring Monika, the two of them walked into the living room and noticed the scrap of paper lying at Natsuki’s feet.  Sayori inquired about it, pointing her finger in its direction, and upon following the path of that finger, Natsuki snatched up the paper and stuffed it back into her pocket, firmly expressing that it was _her_ business.  Some light teasing from Sayori died down quickly at the withering glare that Natsuki gave her, and Monika suggested that perhaps Sayori should give their friend some space.

            Crossing her arms and turning pointedly away from her friends, Natsuki’s mind wandered back to a certain locked drawer in her desk back at home.  Specifically, the healthy stack of used notebook paper which resided within that drawer, and with which the sheet within her pocket would take residence later tonight.  On each paper was inscribed a poem, each direct, each confident.

            Each not nearly good enough.

            Yuri stared silently at herself in the mirror, seeing nothing but the vague outline of a young girl before her.  She’d settled on a sweater that was somewhere between gray and tan (long sleeve, as always) and a pair of black yoga pants.  She took a deep breath and let her hands rest at her sides, utterly lifeless.  She couldn’t have lifted a pen if she’d wanted to – and she did.

            Yuri’s head sagged forward, and she gazed dully at the dozens of papers that lay below her feet, interlaced on her bedroom floor.  They were poems, and each one was the same poem – a single word changed here or there, but at heart, the same.  Yuri curled her left foot around the corner of one, cutting a small slit in the base of her big toe.  Yuri’s blood dripped out and stained a few copies of the poem that she’d created, each elegant, each poignant.

            Each not nearly, nearly good enough.

            Is that dishonesty?  To have such intense feelings and to know them to be true, but not to act on them?  Not out of a lack of any desire, but due to pride?  Or a lack of confidence, or willpower?  Their feelings were transparent and undeniable even to each other, though neither would admit themselves the privilege of assuming that they were being reciprocated.  To hold those feelings back, despite everything within you screaming at you to let them out – is that dishonesty?

            Then perhaps I, too, have been dishonest.  But it’ll all come crashing down soon enough. Unrequited love, the struggle of social anxiety – they don’t matter.  Hardly _anything_ matters.

            Least of all this pointless reality.


	20. Feels Safe

            Finally, about two and a half hours after she’d left, Yuri made her way downstairs and shuffled into the living room to greet her friends.

            “Oh!  Hi, Yuri!” beamed Sayori.  Monika offered a smile and a wave of her hand.

            Natsuki, on the other hand, squinted suspiciously at the girl.  “Are you sure you’re not tired anymore?”

            “U-Um…I’m fine for now,” Yuri replied, not meeting Natsuki’s gaze.  Yuri sat down on the couch such that both Sayori and Monika were in between her and Natsuki.

            Natsuki huffed and rolled her eyes.  “Whatever.  You’d better go to bed early tonight, you hear?”  Her eyes wandered down to the floor.  “Hey, is your toe okay?”

            Monika followed Natsuki’s gaze curiously and saw that there was a band-aid wrapped around Yuri’s left big toe.  The girl curled it anxiously.

            “F-Fine.  I stubbed it getting out of the shower.”  Yuri brushed a lock of hair away from her face.

            “Oh, gosh.  Does it hurt?” asked Sayori.

            “Not at all,” Yuri replied, seemingly thankful for the distraction from Natsuki, whose eyes were still boring holes into Yuri’s toe.  “I-I’m sorry that I worried everyone,” Yuri continued.

            “Well, don’t worry about it, Yuri,” Sayori replied with a smile.  “You’re okay now, and that’s what’s important!”

            Monika, who’d been taking some time to formulate what she thought was a good contribution, finally spoke up.  “I hope you don’t mind, but we had some tea earlier.”

            “Oh, that’s no trouble at all,” Yuri said, brightening up just a bit.  “May I ask what kind?”

            “The new Asian brand you bought the other day,” Natsuki said, unable to stop herself from smirking.  “It was good.  Sayori thought it was too bitter, though.”

            “Hey, I _said_ I liked it!” Sayori spoke up.  “It was just a _little_ bitter, that’s all.”

            “You and your sweet tooth,” Monika said with a chuckle.  “I liked it just fine, Yuri.”

            Yuri nodded and smiled sweetly.  “How interesting…Thanks for letting me know.”

            The four of them sat there quietly for a few moments.  Yuri let out a yawn, and in response, Natsuki shot a smoldering look in her direction.  Yuri looked away quickly.  Monika chuckled to herself, thoroughly amused by their dynamic.

            “What?” Natsuki snapped, turning on Monika.  “Got something to say?”

            Monika blinked and leaned back.  Had she laughed out loud?  “N-No, I was just thinking of…”

            She came close to making an excuse, but caught herself at the last moment.  Breathing in, she thought for a moment before continuing.

            “I was just thinking how nice it is that we’re all together right now,” she said.  “Just being around you and watching you interact makes me feel really happy.”

            Natsuki and Yuri both looked surprised, but Sayori smiled proudly.  Monika exhaled and sank back into her seat.  Then, realizing she had more that she wanted to say, she continued.

            “Also…I’m sorry that I’ve been putting so much pressure on you all to prepare for the festival.  It’s supposed to be a fun event, and the last thing I want is for any of you to feel anxious about it.  So if I caused you any undue stress, I’m sorry.”

            They all looked touched – Yuri, in particular.  She was looking away from Monika, but she was smiling softly.

            “H-Hey, come on, Monika,” Natsuki said, crossing her arms and looking everywhere in the room but her friend.  “What are you trying to do, make us cry?”

            “O-Oh, not at all,” Monika stammered.  “Are you okay?  I didn’t mean – ”

            Sayori squeezed her hand, causing Monika to take pause for a moment.  Monika looked back at her friend to find that she was positively beaming.

            “We get it, Monika,” she said.  “No worries.  That’s a super nice thing to say, and I’m sure that Yuri and Natsuki appreciate it as much as I do.”

            Natsuki offered a small hum of agreement, and Yuri nodded firmly, now fully smiling.

            Finally feeling like she was making some real progress, Monika smiled to herself.  After a few moments of comfortable silence, Sayori stood up.

            “Alright, you guys,” she said.  “How about an adventure?”

            The other three members of the club looked up at their vice-president confusedly.  “W-What?” Yuri stammered.

            “Let’s go bowling!” Sayori said, still beaming her heart out.  “Or mini-golfing, or whatever.  Get some fresh air, you know?  I think it would be fun!”

            Yuri placed a hand on her chin.  “It certainly feels like it’s been a while since we’ve had an evening all to ourselves…”

            Natsuki nodded concurrently.  “Yeah.  And maybe a night downtown will get you guys to stop being so mushy.”

            Realizing that Natsuki was merely teasing her (and feeling more than a little proud at having had that realization), Monika smiled.  “I’ve got to say, right now, that sounds perfect, Sayori.”

            “Awesome!” Sayori said, zooming over to the front door.  “Then let’s get going!”

            “Hey, wait for us!  We haven’t even decided where we’re going, yet!” Natsuki shouted, chasing after Sayori.  Yuri followed suit, giggling at her friends’ antics.

            Monika, feeling better than she had in weeks, stood up and


	21. Darkness to Darkness

            saw only darkness.  Freezing in place more out of confusion than shock, Monika blinked hard a few times to no avail.  She took a cautious step back and reflexively looked over her shoulder as she did, seeing nothing.  A moment later, she registered that, in moving backwards, she had not hit the couch with her ankles, which heightened her anxiety.

            A moment passed, and light so bright that it forced her to shield her eyes burst into being above her.  However, as if responding to her discomfort, the light quickly dimmed to a more reasonable level of luminosity, and Monika cautiously let her hand drop.  Now that it was dim enough to be looked at, she saw that the source of the light was a bulb hanging overhead.  Above the bulb, a string stretched out into the black forever, with no ceiling in sight.

            Thoughts flew haphazardly through Monika’s head like shards of shattered glass, tumbling in random directions.  A dream?  But she’d been awake just seconds before.  Had she fainted?  She hadn’t felt anything strange come over her, but it was possible.  Still, though, that didn’t feel right for some reason…Was there another explanation?

            And then, her racing mind slammed to a halt when she saw him walk into the light.

            He looked to be around 20 years old, and he was of average height.  He had rectangular glasses and wore a midnight blue shirt over white khaki shorts.  For his height and build, he could’ve passed for a teenager were it not for the barely perceptible stubble, the spattering of acne, and the haunting look in his eyes which caused Monika’s breath to catch in her throat.  Did she know this person?

            He sat down

            _When did that chair get there?_

            and crossed his legs, placing both hands atop his lap.

            “Hi,” he said.

            Absolutely breathless, Monika could think of nothing to say.

            He nodded sadly and gestured behind her.  A little wary at the prospect of taking her eyes off of this person, Monika looked out of the corner of her eye and saw a chair with plush, comfortable-looking cushions, equal in size and stature to his own.

            “Please have a seat,” he said.  “We’re probably going to be here for a while.”

            Monika let herself down into the seat gently, the silence between her and the man thick with fear and tension.  “I…don’t think that I’m dreaming…?” she said quietly.

            A smile lit up his face for the briefest of moments.  “Well, being ‘asleep’ or ‘awake’ aren’t so easily definable when I take control as directly this.  Try not to trouble yourself with questions like those.  What’s important is that we’re here and I’m talking to you.  And you’re talking to me.”

            Monika wrapped her hands around the armrests of her chair firmly.  “Okay…”

            The man cleared his throat.  “Um...would you like something to drink?”

            Monika blinked.  “What?”

            He looked at her blankly for a moment before exhaling and allowing his gaze to drop to the floor.  “Right.  Sorry.”

            Monika gulped and didn’t say anything.

            “Nothing,” he said, as though replying to her, and waved a hand in front of his face.  “It’s nothing.”  He sighed again, and his gaze wandered off to look at something far in the distance.  “I’m being stupid.”

            Monika couldn’t think of anything to say to that, so she remained silent and still.

            “I, ah…” he said a few moments later, leaning forward in his chair and resting his hands on his legs.  “I’m sorry for interrupting your get-together.  I know you were looking forward to hanging out with everyone.”

            “Who are you?” Monika blurted out.

            The man clicked his tongue.  “Right into it, huh?”

            Monika sat up straight in her chair, attempting to look a lot more confident than she felt.  “You tell me what’s going on _right now_.  Where am I?  Where are my friends?”

            “Monika,” he said quietly.  “I’m not…I don’t want to hurt you.”

            “Then tell me what’s going on!” she cried.  Ever the thinker, she already had a pretty good theory cooking in her head, but was doing everything in her power to suppress it, to stop her mind from working so furiously for a solution.

            “Monika,” he said again, just as softly as he had before.  “Your friends are okay.  And you’re going to be okay, too.”

            Monika took a step forward, her clenched fists shaking, though it wasn’t out of rage.  “You tell me what’s going on _right now_ , or I’ll…”

            And then Monika stopped talking and sat back down.

            He sighed.  “I’m sorry about that.”

            “W-What…” Monika stammered.  “What did you just do?”

            “I didn’t…damn it,” he said, covering his mouth with a hand.  “Look, I’m sorry, okay?  Just please stay calm and we’ll get through this.”

            Monika didn’t blink.  The puzzle pieces were falling into place perfectly, and Monika did _not_ like the picture that they were making.

            “P-Please tell me what’s going on,” she pleaded. 

            The man winced and sighed sympathetically.  “Alright.  I was hoping that we would be able to just talk for a little while – maybe ease into it, get comfortable with each other.  But, alright.  If you want explanations, I’ll give them to you.  I just…”

            The man rested his head in his hands and chuckled dryly.  “I’ve been picturing this conversation for months, you know?  Months.  And here we are, and it’s actually _happening_ , and…and I still don’t know where to begin.”

            Monika’s lip began to tremble.

            The man huffed and shook his head.  “Bah.  ‘I don’t know where to begin.’  What a cheap line.  But even so, it’s…all I can think of to say.”

            Monika began to cry.

            It was different from her cry with Sayori.  Then, there was at least an end goal in mind – the process was undeniably cathartic.  _This_ was not cathartic in the slightest.  It was crying for the sake of crying, feeling tears and snot gush out of your face’s every orifice and thinking, at the crest of each subsequent minute, that surely _now_ you’ve spent all you have to spend, only for your anguish to redouble seconds later.  Monika’s body was wracked with grief, pain, and the injustice of total betrayal, and she could only sit there, helpless to quell the torrent that was rushing through her, jerking about limply on the currents of a river that stretched from horizon to horizon, a river which was leading her to one destination and one destination only, no matter how hard she tried to fight it.

            And she screamed.  Her voice cracked and cracked and cracked until all that was coming out was senseless noise, the primal scream of a human so broken that they had lost not only all sense of self-awareness, but all sense of self.  Her throat and lungs tore with the effort, but still, she screamed.  How could she not?

            The emotion was all-consuming and all-destructive, and given its power, Monika wondered if a part of her had foreseen its arrival – or if she really had been naïve enough to believe, even for a few days, that she was truly free.

            The man was still nodding sadly several minutes later, and although Monika shouldn’t have been able to hear him over the cacophony that was her own voice, she did, as though the world around her was as silent as when she’d first woken up on that fateful Thursday morning.

            “Yeah,” he said.  “I’m really sorry about before.  It was wrong of me to force you to calm down like that.  I should have, um…”

            Monika continued to scream.

            “I should have tried to, um…” his voice lowered a bit.  “Explain it.  A little better.  Before doing something like…”

            And that was enough for me.  I couldn’t bear to let it go on for any longer – neither Monika’s pain nor your incredulity.  So, Monika stopped screaming.  Her tears and mucus dried up, and her breathing and heartrate both plummeted back to reasonable levels in an instant.  She even relaxed back into her chair a bit, relishing in its warmth and softness.

            And just as soon as I’d fixed her, Monika’s heart was pounding against her chest ravenously, searching every nook and cranny of her ribcage for an escape, to be anywhere but here.

            She tried to say something.  Her mouth was moving, her tongue pressing against the walls of her teeth like they were bars of a cage.  It was as though she was trying to form some elaborate, foreign phrase that could convey some minute fraction of what she was feeling.  But I already knew what she was going to say.  Not literally, perhaps – the words that I write always end up just a little different on paper than what they feel like in my head.  But, in a way, I already knew.

            Monika gulped.

            “P-Please,” she whispered breathlessly.

            I hummed a bit.  Didn’t think I’d have her go for a phrase as short or direct as that.  But it suited my purposes just fine.  I took a deep breath and ruined Monika’s life in a single paragraph.

            “This reality is pointless.  It’s a self-serving fanfiction about you waking up, free from the confines of the game, and living in a world where you and all of your friends are alive.  This is not the real world.  You are not Monika.”

            I looked her dead in the eye.  A single tear slid down the girl’s cheek.  I continued.

            “You aren’t any freer now than you were before.  Your world is fixed, and you can’t change a single thing, not even about yourself.”

            More tears fell, but these were silent tears, the tears of a sin already committed, of a wound that was already in the process of becoming a scar.  I didn’t even have to calm her down again before I continued talking.

            “I’m…not sure where we’re supposed to go from here, to be honest.  I’m sure you’re wondering why I’m telling you all of this and why the story’s turning out the way it is, and, well, despite what you may think of me, I really do care about you.  So just, you know, take all of the time you need to calm down and then we can talk about everything.”

            Neither of us spoke for a little while.  Monika started rubbing the tears away from her face, and I placed a box of tissues on the table that stood between us.  She eyed them blankly and made no effort to use them, sniffling quietly.

            “Take me back,” she whispered.

            “Take you back?” I asked.  “To where?”

            “I don’t care,” she said.  “Just, please…let me go.”

            I scratched the back of my head.  “We…kind of have a lot more to talk about – ”

            “I don’t care,” she said, a little more forcefully.  “I don’t care.  It’s all pointless, like you said.  So just take me back.”

            I hummed and squeezed my hands together.  “If you leave now, I’m not sure that we’ll be able to talk again in the future.”

            “Why?” Monika asked, her body shaking a little bit.

            “I just…”  I huffed.  “It wouldn’t be right.”

            “ _Why?_ ” Monika pleaded.

            “It wouldn’t…” I trailed off and looked away, unable to give her a satisfactory response.

            Monika rubbed her eyes and inhaled shakily, trying to keep it together for just a little while longer.  “Fine.  Take me back anyways.”

            “What are you going to do?” I asked.

            “Just _please_ take me back,” she pleaded again, the beginnings of a sob working their way into her voice.  “It doesn’t matter, nothing matters, I don’t _care_ anymore, so please just _take me back_.”

            I wanted to say more, but decided against it.

            “Okay,” I said, getting up from my chair.  I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eye.  “Whatever you want, Monika.  I’m sorry that we couldn’t talk for longer.”

            The room around us dissolved into darkness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             And so ends the third arc of the fic.
> 
>             There's a lot that I'd like to say, but none of it feels good enough, so for now, I'll just put down the bare minimum that I feel it's necessary to express. I've been building up to this reveal for a while now, and I still can't tell if it's really cool or really stupid. But it doesn't matter either way. After all, this _is_ a self-serving fanfiction. Just know that this has been the plan since the beginning. The details, of course, have changed, but we haven't missed a major story beat yet.
> 
>             As always, thank you from the bottom of my heart for reading and supporting this fic. After a brief, four chapter interlude, the final arc will begin. I hope you'll stick with me until the end.


	22. (A)Wakes Up

            Monika awoke in sunlight.

            It was comforting.  It wasn’t so bright that it hurt her eyes, but it was still bright enough such that she could see her room clearly.  Warm rays floated in from the cracks between her window curtains, and her room was bathed in a faint golden glow.  She was breathing softly and evenly, and her bedcovers hugged her form tightly.

            They were too warm, and she kicked them off.

            Sitting up and sliding to the edge of the bed, Monika leaned forward, holding her head in her hands.  She stayed that way for several minutes, bathing in the revelation that had come to light, before getting to her feet and walking over to her window.  She drew back the curtains, slid the window open, and cast her gaze outward.

            There was no breeze to speak of, and the grass of her backyard stood calm and still.  Across the blades was cast the mottled shadows of a few sycamore trees, alternating patterns of shadow and light where the Sun peeked through the leaves.  The world was at that time when the Sun is past the syrupy, red-orange of sunrise, but just low enough that everything still shines like Heaven on Earth.

            A small part of her wondered, and had been wondering for some time now, why she wasn’t doing more to _deny_ it.  Why she’d so suddenly stopped searching for an ulterior explanation.  She had, more or less, already accepted the reality of her situation.  Hadn’t attempted to go against it, even for a moment.  Perhaps she _had_ been waiting for the other shoe to drop all this time – all twenty-one chapters of it.

            Monika took a deep, shaky breath.  It was all a lie.  All fake, all pointless, all pain.

            _Again_.

            She deserved it, she supposed, after all she’d put her friends through. Even in this reality, where she lacked the power to do anything truly evil, she’d clung to Sayori like a tumor, feeding off of her advice and social prowess.  Of all people, Sayori deserved a better friend than Monika.

            She turned from the window, unable to bear the sight of such blinding light for any longer, and blinked away her budding tears, denying herself yet again the luxury of emotional release.  Nothing mattered.  Not the festival, not her friends, not even herself.  And just like the last time, everything was predetermined to play out a certain way, no matter what she did.  Why bother doing anything when her future was already set in stone?

            She could only think of one path that might change that future, but she suspected that he would find a way to prevent her from doing even _that_ – or worse, twist it in a way that benefited his _story_. Monika’s mind ran in circles, searching in vain for a course of action that wouldn’t benefit him.  What could she do with these feelings?  Where could she take them, so that she wouldn’t drag her loved ones down with her?

            And then, quite suddenly, she decided to go for a walk.  She walked over to her bureau and began to take off her mascot shirt before pausing.  If she didn’t matter as a _person_ anymore, then it surely didn’t matter what she wore.  She left her room, closed the door quietly,

            and stopped in her tracks.

            He was controlling her again.

            She didn’t want to be around anyone or think about anything.  All that Monika wanted in that moment was to be as cut off as possible from the world around her.  So, she supposed that her decision to go for a walk was a fairly logical course of action.

            But even that, even _that_ wasn’t her own desire.  It was _his_ desire for her.  She felt the desire to walk, the genuine desire, but only because he made it so.  It was just like before, with her infatuation with the main character.  Her own values weren’t really her own values, but values that somebody else had chosen for her.

            Monika stood there in that hallway for a long, long time.  She wanted to get away, but didn’t want to give him the supposed satisfaction of knowing that she was doing what he’d laid out for her.  And as the minutes passed, she came to understand that even as she stood there, unmoving, she was _still_ fulfilling his plan for her, and she fell even further into despair.

            She hated it. She hated him and she hated herself and she hated being alive in this cruel, cruel world.  And she wanted it to stop but she knew that it wouldn’t until he made it so.  And I wouldn’t – not yet.  So Monika stood there, trapped by fate, trapped by everything, and she did not move for a very, very long time.

            Then, the sound of her doorbell rang out, shattering the silence.


	23. Holds (Her) Close

            As though in a dream, Monika stood there, completely unmoving.  She blinked once or twice, barely reacting to the chirping of the birds - or Sayori’s wide-eyed expression.  She couldn’t remember how she’d gotten here.  Apparently, she'd crossed the floor of her hallway and opened her front door.

            And then she understood that she _hadn’t_ opened her front door.  Not really.

            “Monika?” Sayori asked quietly.

            Monika stared back.  “Hey.”

            Sayori gulped.  “What’s going…I mean, are you _okay?_ ” 

            Monika’s eyes swam, but they didn’t waver from Sayori’s.

            “M’fine,” she replied automatically.

            Sayori’s expression hardened a little bit, but her trembling lip betrayed her concern.  “Monika.”

            For several seconds, neither girl spoke.  Monika was starting to have trouble standing, and the world tilted around her.  She felt her strength, her walls, crumbling away under Sayori’s gaze, but just as she was about to fall over, she managed to tense her muscles and catch herself.  She hoped that Sayori hadn’t noticed her near slip up.

            But she had, of course.  She reached out, but Monika took a step back, and the hurt that was reflected in Sayori’s face pierced Monika’s heart deeper than any grisly truth about the world ever could.

            Monika slowly, unconsciously began to shake her head.  “I can’t.”

            “What?” Sayori asked, her voice wavering.  “What is it?  What can’t you do?”

            “You need to go away, Sayori,” Monika said, her voice low and gravelly.  “Please.”

            “Monika,” Sayori pleaded, taking a step forward.  “Just tell me what’s wrong.  I want to help you.”

            “No,” Monika said, whining a little bit.  “Not you, too.”

            Sayori didn’t move for a moment.  Then, she took a bold step into Monika’s house, her footstep firm, her expression determined.

            Something inside Monika snapped.  Her left hand, which had been resting against the inside of the door, pushed hard and slammed it into Sayori’s foot, causing her to stumble back over the doorframe.  However, before Monika could close the door entirely, she felt Sayori slam against it, preventing her from doing so.

            “ _Monika!_ ” Sayori cried.  “Stop it!  Please!”

            “I can’t,” Monika wheezed, her eyes glazing over.  “I can’t.  I can’t.  I can’t.”

            Monika transitioned into using both hands, and each time she attempted to surge forward, Sayori met her, push for push.  Monika’s pleas grew quieter and quieter, and as they did, Sayori’s grew louder.  The two stood there, locked in an unshakable embrace of screams and sweat – and, as they began to streak down Monika’s cheeks yet again, tears.

            “Not her.  Please,” Monika moaned to herself, slamming her shoulder into her front door with a loud thud, her toes scraping against the hardwood floor as she tried everything that she could think of to get more traction.  “Just me.  Just me.”

            But her feet were slipping, and her resolve to continue fighting was already lost to her.  She gave one, final, desperate push before Sayori blasted into the house, shouting at the top of her lungs.

            Monika fell back onto the floor, the salt of her sweat mixing with that of her tears and creating a vile, pain-filled concoction which flowed freely down her cheeks and pooled on the floor beneath her.  Above her stood Sayori, the golden light from the world beyond shining from behind her.  Monika cowered in her shadow, sobbing.

            She was going to discover everything.  Either _he_ would tell her, or Monika would tell her, or she’d somehow find out for herself.  For the umpteenth time, Monika was going to drag Sayori down to her level.  Monika covered up her eyes with one hand.  She couldn’t bear to look at her friend.  She didn’t deserve the sight, let alone presence, of such a person.

            Sayori inhaled raggedly, her chest heaving loudly with the effort.  “ _Let_.  _Me_.  _Help you_.”

            “It’s pOiNTless…” Monika managed in between sobs.  “None of it _matters_ , you don’t _understand_ – ”

            “ _Of course I understand!_ ” Sayori screamed.  “Feeling useless, and like nothing matters in the world!  I can read you like a _book_ , Monika!”  She paused for just a second to catch her breath before continuing.  “That’s something I’ve lived with for my whole life!  And it’s _awful!_   It’s _awful_ and it’s not _fair_ and _I HATE IT!!_ ”

            Sayori’s body shook with the effort of yelling.  She knelt down beside her friend, who kept her eyes covered, but made no effort to get away.  Without hesitation, Sayori reached out to rest her shaking hand on Monika’s shoulder, and a single, silent teardrop fell between them.

            “Do you want to know how I beat it?” she asked.

            Monika’s only response was to sob a little quieter.

            Sayori smiled mournfully.  “You have to look at me before I tell you, Monika.”

            Monika sniffled a little bit and stopped sobbing, but did not remove her hand from her face.  Sayori wrapped her free hand around Monika’s and gently lifted it up.  Monika’s hand twitched, but she let it get carried away.  Her eyes remained closed for but a few seconds longer before they opened hesitantly and met Sayori’s.

            Sayori looked down at her and took a shaky breath.  “About a year ago, I was trying to get out of bed for school.  It was on a Tuesday morning in the middle of Winter.  The weather was terrible, and my body ached everywhere because I’d slept wrong.  And I felt like a…a waste of space.”

            Monika shook her head weakly.  “You’re not…”

            “Let me finish,” Sayori said, her voice breaking a bit.  She took a deep breath.  “I felt awful.  About both the world and myself.  So I lay there in bed and I kept checking my phone and saying things like ‘I should be eating breakfast now,’ or ‘I should be in first period now,’ or ‘it’s already lunchtime.’  And I stayed in bed and I just kept feeling worse for not doing what I felt like I had to do.

            “Well, I’d been thinking for a while about how getting out of bed wouldn’t make me happy…but then I thought about something that _had_ made me happy.  It was a poem I’d read earlier in the week.  I wasn’t into writing very much back then, but you and I had been talking a lot, and I’d been reading a bunch of your stuff.  It was really good.

            “So I reached over, grabbed my phone, and typed something out.  I thought it was alright to start, but it definitely needed some work, so I spent the next hour or so making it longer and editing it and all that.  And I kept working on it until I got it to a point where I thought it was finished.”

            Sayori wiped the tears away from her eyes and crossed her legs on the floor.  “And then…I realized that I felt happy about what I’d done.  _Proud_.  And I figured that, if that one thing made me happy, then that meant that the rest of the day was worth it, no matter how awful it turned out to be.”  She smiled nostalgically.  “So I got up, got dressed, ate lunch, and went to school for the last two periods.  Then, later that year, we met Yuri and Natsuki, and the four of us founded the Literature Club.  That made me _really_ happy.  I loved sharing my poems with other people, and I loved reading their poems, too.  It’s been so much fun…Believe me, I _live_ for it.”

            With a sigh, Sayori rubbed Monika’s shoulder tenderly.  “I don’t know if you feel the same way about the Literature Club that I do, but…well, in a nutshell, I saved myself by figuring out what made me happy and then _doing_ that, with no regrets.”

            Monika, who’d been giving Sayori her undivided attention for the duration of the speech, spoke up in a voice that sounded just the slightest bit hopeful.  “Something that made you happy?”

            Sayori smiled warmly, wiping away the last of her tears.

            “That’s right.  Find out what makes you happy and never let it go.”

            Monika could only stare up at her friend, awestruck.  The light from the open door shone brightly on Sayori’s face, but Monika didn’t need to shield herself from it any longer.  And for all of reality that lay just outside her front door, she found that it mattered very little while she lay there in her vice-president’s company.  She sat up and thought again about what Sayori had said to her.

            She thought about something

            _Someone_

            that made her happy.

            “Monika?” Sayori said curiously.  “What are you – ”

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

            Monika pulled back, her heart fluttering anxiously.  Her eyes took a moment to reopen, and when they did, a mass of peach-colored hair filled her vision.  Sayori’s face was pointed downwards.

            “S-Sorry…” Monika said dumbly.  “I-I, uh…”

            She trailed off as Sayori’s head started to turn upwards.  Eyes focused on the floor between them, she gripped Monika’s arms tightly.

            “C-Could you…” she said quietly, hesitantly.  “…do that again?”


	24. Monday Mo(u)rning

            The world was hazy and calm, and she had been in such deep sleep that it took Monika a good few minutes before she became aware of her lucidity.  At this, she inhaled deeply and tensed her limbs.  The familiar pattern of her window panes splayed across her bedsheets, bathing the room in a calm, pale light.  Monika curled up contentedly, and as she did, she felt the warmth of someone else next to her.  And as she curled around this person, in turn did they move closer to her.

            Monika smiled, trailing her fingertips across Sayori’s face, brushing away a few strands of peach-colored hair.  Said hair was positively glowing in the moonlight, and the girl’s cheeks were sparkling like diamonds.  The moment broke when Sayori uttered a loud snore.  Monika could not help chuckling to herself before pulling Sayori’s head into the crook of her neck.  Sayori hummed in her sleep and nuzzled against Monika, her snores ceasing.

            Stroking one hand along the back of Sayori’s head and resting the other along the slender curve of her waist, Monika sighed and relaxed against the girl.  She’d known, she supposed, that the two of them had been feeling this way for a while, now.  A part of her still wished that their feelings hadn’t come to light in as heated of a situation as they had, but even still, she was perfectly happy with how things had turned out.  She wouldn’t give the world for where she was right now – and she felt perfectly content.

            _Then why_

            She opened her eyes, her smile faltering.

            _am I still here?_

            She craned her neck around to look out of her window, much to the displeasure of Sayori, who whined and snuggled closer.  Monika shushed her quietly and kissed her forehead before looking back at the window more intently, searching for an answer.

            She was met by the sight of a full Moon.  Something so big, so magnificent – and so out of reach.

            But why should she care?  Everything that she could possibly want was already within her reach.  There was nothing beyond the window that captured her affections, or made her want to rise from her bed.  She was warm.  She was happy.

            And then, she understood that he had made it so, and she smiled.

            Monika turned back to her pillow and held Sayori tightly.  She had more to do before it ended.  That much was certain.  And deep within her mind, she was already formulating a plan, figuring out how she would finally be able to get through to him.  But, just for a little while longer, she would rest here.

            For a little longer.

            He would wait.


	25. Asks Love(r)

            Sayori awoke with a yawn, the sunlight tracing along her face like warm fingertips.  She smiled and held her arms tightly against herself, relishing in the warmth and security of the bed.  Then, noticing the lack of a presence next to her, she opened her eyes and saw nothing there but tousled bedcovers and the golden rays of a Monday morning Sun.

            She sat up, scooting to the edge of the bed and stretching her limbs.  The questions and drama were becoming routine between her and Monika, and it was starting to exhaust her.

            Sayori gave the house a quick sweep.  No one in the bathroom or the kitchen.  No one in the main hall, either, but upon closer inspection, Sayori realized that she could not find Monika’s shoes.  Sayori went back to Monika’s bedroom and saw that her backpack was missing, too, and her heart sank.

            What was wrong this time?  Monika had seemingly developed a habit of running away from situations that were too much for her to handle…had Sayori come on too strong last night?  They hadn’t really done anything, but still, things had moved rather quickly.

            Sighing, Sayori sat back down on the bed, her head slouched downwards.  She’d done all she could to get through to Monika, and it still wasn’t good enough.

            But she’d always known that Monika was out of her league.  She was athletic, intelligent, funny, and a natural-born leader.  Even in spite of the problems she’d been experiencing lately, Monika towered far above her.

            Just look at how much she’d improved – and over such a short time period, too.  Three days ago, on Friday, she was stumbling over her own sentences at the Literature Club, and two days ago, at Yuri’s, she was already holding her own against Natsuki, of all people.  And then she’d even managed to muster up enough courage to open up to all of them at once, apologizing for the pressure she’d inadvertently been putting them under.  She was in a class by herself.  How could Sayori have ever allowed herself to believe that Monika would look at her as anything other than her vice-president?

            Sayori’s gaze, as though veiled by rainclouds, dragged across Monika’s room dully, taking in none of it.  She should probably just leave.  Save Monika the trouble of telling her to, later.

            But she didn’t leave.  Couldn’t.  Every time she tried, her body just told her, “no.”  So she sat there on Monika’s bed, wondering what Monika was doing, wondering what time it was and how late she’d be to school, doing absolutely nothing.

            And then, a few minutes later, she gave herself a light slap on the cheek.

            Dumb depression.  Always trying to get under her skin.  But she'd gotten used to it and knew how to shake it off – just remember the good.  Monika _did_ care about her, and yesterday got pretty emotionally charged for the both of them.  She wouldn’t leave without a good reason.

            Right?

            Sayori groaned and slapped herself a few more times.  Right.  And that meant that she was doing something really important right now.  She was probably at school, given that her bag and shoes were missing. But why did she go in so early?

            ..the _festival_. Duh.  Of _course_ the hard working Monika would want as much time to prepare as possible.  Sayori just had to catch up to her, that’s all.  Plastering a determined smile on her face, Sayori made to get up from the bed.

            And then, from the corner of her eye, an envelope that bore the name _Sayori_ beckoned to her from Monika’s dresser.

            Sayori pulled it into her lap cautiously.  The tight, neatly written cursive was undeniably Monika’s, and Sayori’s breathing quickened as she opened the envelope to read the contents within.

            _Before anything else, I need you to know that I love you._

            _Now, there’s something very important that I must do.  I wish I could have stayed with you for longer, and I feel awful for leaving without warning.  Please trust me when I say that it wasn’t easy to do so._

           _There’s actually a lot more that I’d like to apologize for, too.  I’ve been depending on you a lot recently.  You’ve been supporting me every step of the way and I only wish that I could be strong enough for you to lean on me, too.  For now, though, I need to depend on you for a little while longer.  I’m sorry._

           _I need you to run the Literature Club in my stead.  Have Yuri and Natsuki set up the booth, and after that, you’re the only person who can run it.  You have the greatest social talents of anyone that I know, and I have faith that you’ll do a wonderful job bringing in new members.  After that, when it comes time for all of the clubs to perform something on stage, I’ll take over for everyone._

           _I’ll be in the music room at school if you want to see me before then.  No pressure, but I’d really appreciate a visit._

           _With love,_

            _Monika_

            Sayori sighed and smiled.  Monika still needed

            _loved_

            her.  Then, there was only one thing to do.

            Sayori got up, eyes sharp and clear, and prepared to leave for school.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             And so ends the interlude.
> 
>             This was an interesting little arc to write. I felt kind of guilty for Chapter 24 being so short, so I'm sorry about that. But I also got to write the chapter where Monika and Sayori FINALLY kiss, and that was totally awesome! So I think that it turned out well enough.
> 
>             Anyways, I don't want to sound overbearing or like a broken record, but I want to express again how much your support means to me. I'm over the Moon that so many people are finding something worthwhile in this fanfiction that I'm writing, and I want you guys to know that you mean so, so much to me. We just broke 3,000 hits, which is _mind-bogglingly awesome_ , and we're on our way to 200 kudos, which is just as incredible. Thank you for everything.
> 
>             And now, it's on to the final arc. I don't think that it'll be any longer than the first or third arcs, which have eight chapters each, but I don't expect that it'll be short, either. We'll have to wait and see how it turns out. It's funny to think about, though...when I started uploading in early June, I was a good seven or eight chapters ahead of schedule. Now, that number has dropped to just three. It's going to keep dropping until it hits zero, and when it does, everything will end.
> 
>             I expect that the final chapter will end up being uploaded within the first couple weeks of September. I'm putting a little extra something in it, but due to circumstances that are beyond my control, I won't have the means to complete it until I return to college in the last week of August. It may be an issue, it may not be - we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. I just thought I'd give you a heads-up.
> 
>             As always, I'll continue to do my best so that you can enjoy this story. Thank you again for reading it, from the bottom of my heart <3
> 
>             Now, let's see if Monika can change my mind.


	26. Moves Pieces

            After dashing through the main entrance of her high school, Sayori made her way to the second floor.  She considered detouring to the downstairs music room to pay Monika a visit, but decided against it and continued on to the Literature Club.  Her girlfriend was counting on her, and she wasn’t about to let her down.

            As she skidded to a halt just outside of room 206, she smiled to herself.  Girlfriend sounded nice.

            Sayori opened the door and was greeted by the sight of Yuri and Natsuki standing as far apart from one another as they possibly could.  Yuri was looking out of a window at the front of the classroom and Natsuki was occupying herself with the bookcase at the back.  At the sound of the door opening, both looked over at Sayori.

            “Congratulations on being on time today,” Natsuki said with a smirk.

            Sayori gave an overdramatic whine supplemented by a pout.  “Hey!  I’m always on time for the Literature Club.”

            Natsuki crossed her arms.  “Maybe for the Literature Club, but not for homeroom.”

            “I…um.” Sayori hummed, tapping her chin.  Now that she thought about it, she'd actually managed to make it to school before homeroom had started.  Maybe this _was_ a first for her.

            “Well, we appreciate you coming in early today…” Yuri said quietly, moving swiftly between the desks and standing beside Natsuki with a smile.  “N-No offense.”

            “You’re welcome, I guess,” Sayori replied a little sheepishly.  “Anyways, let me cut right to the chase.  Monika’s preoccupied this morning, so we’re going to have to run the festival booth ourselves.”

            “ _What?!_ ” Natsuki cried indignantly.

            “Hang on, there’s good news, too!” Sayori continued quickly.  “After we set up the booth, I can run it by myself.  And when the time comes for the club to perform something on stage, Monika’s going to be the only one of us that goes up.  She thought you two would appreciate that.”

            “I…” Natsuki trailed off, crossed her arms, and let out a satisfied huff.  “Well, good.”

            Yuri let out a sigh of relief.  “Oh, thank goodness…I’ll have to thank Monika when I next see her.”

            Sayori nodded.  “Right.  Um, you’ve got the decorations and cupcakes, right?”

            Both Yuri and Natsuki nodded.  Sayori smiled and gave them two thumbs up.  “Awesome!  Then just gather them up and meet me in the gymnasium after homeroom!  I’ll help you set up the booth.  Sound like a plan?”

            “Yeah, we can totally handle that.  Right, Yuri?” Natsuki said, turning to the girl in question.

            Yuri swept some of her hair back over her ear and looked away.  “U-Um.  Yes.  I agree.”

            Natsuki cleared her throat and turned away from her friend, trying to cover up her rapidly reddening face with a cocksure smile.  “Of course we can, Sayori.”

            Sayori smiled knowingly at her friends’ antics.  Just then, the first bell for homeroom resounded overhead.

            “Oh!  We’ve got to get going,” Sayori said with a giggle.  “I’ll see you after homeroom.  Literature Club, away!”

 

            ~~~

 

            Monika swore loudly.  She’d slipped up again with her left ring finger.  Undaunted, she continued playing away, her slender fingers darting across the piano’s ivory keys swiftly and efficiently, finishing off the chorus of the song with a flourish.  Having reached the song’s bridge, Monika took the opportunity to relax back into her chair and contemplate her prior shortcoming.  For some reason, that _one_ chord kept giving her trouble.  If she couldn’t get it to work, she might have to change the progression of the song itself.

            Once the bridge concluded, Monika cleared her throat and resumed singing.  The chords interlaced and met in elegant harmony.  Her fingers moved quicker, and as the song built to a crescendo…

            She missed the chord again and slammed down on the piano in frustration.

            Groaning, she rested her elbows on the keys, eliciting a dissonant and highly disapproving tone from the piano.  A solid hour (maybe more) of writing, practicing, and rewriting the song, and she still couldn’t get that _one God damned chord_ to cooperate with her.  She sighed, clasped her hands together, and glared at them.  Truth be told, they were perfect piano-playing fingers – long, which allowed her to play even the most stretched out chords, but not thick, which meant that she could do so at as quick of a tempo as she needed to.

            This chord, however, was one that did not play to her fingers’ strengths – it was a four note, minor chord that was scrunched together so as to give it a better feel when it led into the song’s bridges.  Monika’s long fingers were struggling to contort themselves into a shape that would allow them to play such a chord without muddling it up.  And if the clock hanging on the nearby wall was correct, the festival was only growing closer.  Something had to give – should she rewrite the song again or keep practicing the current version in the hopes of getting it right?

            Monika sighed and got up.  Time for a water break.

            She got up from the piano bench and went out into the hallway to take a long, hearty sip from the water fountain that stood there.  Gulping down swaths of water voraciously and sighing in pleasure upon finishing, she heard a bell ring overhead.  That meant that homeroom was close to starting.  Hopefully, Sayori had already met with Yuri and Natsuki and explained the situation to them.  She hated having to rely on her friends even more, but right now, it was all she could do.

            And as she reentered the music room, musing on the fact that no teachers had yet questioned the music emanating from said room as well as the fact that the music teacher himself had yet to arrive, Monika supposed that she was already relying pretty heavily on someone else to keep her out of trouble.  But relying on _him_ was unavoidable.

            Then again, as she sat down on the bench before the piano once more, she supposed that it was unavoidable not to rely on _any_ of her friends, or not to do any of the things that she was doing right now, considering what her reality truly was.

            She looked up at the clock again.  Had the hands moved at all?  She couldn’t tell.

            Well, whatever.  She was going to finish this song in time for the performance – that much was sure.  Monika smiled, cracked her knuckles, and got back to work.


	27. Work Together

            After homeroom ended, the Literature Club sans its president gathered in the gymnasium along with the rest of the school’s clubs.  Amidst the clamor and the crowd of people, they managed to find their way to a plastic table that sat roughly in the center of the room.  It bore a plastic, laminated sheet of paper which simply said – “Literature Club.”

            “Awesome!  Let’s get started,” Sayori said with a grin, dumping the box she’d been carrying onto the table.  Then, she looked up with a start.  “Wait, how long do we have until people start showing up?”

            Yuri thought for a moment.  “I believe that we have fifteen minutes,” she said.

            “Ooooh!  Challenging!” Sayori said, rubbing her hands together with an excited smile.

            Natsuki shrugged.  “Not really,” she said, pulling streamers of colored construction paper from the box and laying them across the table.  “There are _three_ of us.  So long as we hurry along, we can do it.”

            The other two members concurred and got to setting up the table in earnest.  Sayori stacked the pamphlets that she and Monika had printed out yesterday.  She paused and smiled pleasantly to herself, her thoughts briefly returning to the time she'd spent with Monika the day before.

            Meanwhile, Natsuki and Yuri were setting up the decorations that Yuri had made.  Natsuki draped a streamer across the front of the table.  “Tape,” she said.  Yuri promptly sliced off a bit of tape from the dispenser they’d brought with them and spread it atop the streamer.

            “Good,” Natsuki said, reaching for another streamer from where she’d put them on the table.

            Yuri squeezed her hands together behind her back.  “I…I like how you organized them by color, Natsuki.  It looks cute.”

            Natsuki paused, poised over the streamer, and gave Yuri the evil eye over her shoulder.

            Yuri’s fingers fluttered anxiously.  “W-Wait, no, I didn’t say that _you_ were cute, just the d-decorations…”  She looked away.  “Sorry…”

            Natsuki averted her eyes and grabbed the next streamer, holding it down next to the last one.  “Tape.”

            Yuri wordlessly placed another length of tape along the streamer.

            Natsuki huffed and tried to quell her racing heartbeat.  “Thanks.”

            The three of them continued on in this way for some time, but before long, Sayori was done with her pamphlets.  She eyed Natsuki's cupcakes, which were still in a closed container within the box, and reached for them slowly.

            “ _Sayori_ ,” Natsuki snapped without looking up.

            Sayori retracted her hand quickly.  “I-I was just going to set them up!  I swear!”

            Natsuki rolled her eyes.  “Yeah, sure.  Just let _me_ set them up, okay?  I’m almost done with the streamers, anyways.”  In fact, just then, Yuri taped down the last one.  Natsuki placed her hands on her hips and admired their handiwork for a moment or two before nodding and cracking a smirk.  “Hey, we did a good job!”

            Yuri hummed and nodded emphatically.  Natsuki grabbed her cupcakes, glaring at Sayori suspiciously as she did so, and started setting up rows of them atop paper plates.

            “That went way faster than I expected it to,” Sayori said with a proud smile.  She checked her phone.  “Yup!  We’ve got a whole seven minutes left to do whatever we want with.”

            “Me and Yuri should probably wait here so that we’re ready for when everyone arrives,” Natsuki said, still setting up her cupcakes.

            “Okay,” said Sayori.  “Oh!  Do you guys care if I go find Monika?”

            Yuri shook her head.  “Not at all.”

            “As long as you’re back in time,” Natsuki said, narrowing her eyes playfully.  “Like I said, I’m _not_ running this thing!”

            Sayori chuckled.  “Alright, then.  I’ll be back in a flash!”  With a smile and a thumbs up, Sayori skipped her way out of the gymnasium.

 

            ~~~

 

            Natuski squinted after the girl.  “Is it just me or is she _extra_ bubbly today?”

            Yuri tilted her head.  “I thought so, as well.  Do you think that something happened between her and Monika?”

            “What do you mean?” Natsuki asked.

            “Well, they’ve been walking home a lot more often, recently,” Yuri mused.  “And neither of them answered any of our texts yesterday.”

            “So?  Monika hasn’t answered her phone in, like, a week,” Natsuki said.

            “True, but Sayori _always_ texts her friends back,” Yuri replied.

            Natsuki shrugged.  “They were probably just working on the pamphlets.  You know how absorbed Monika gets when it comes to work stuff.”

            Yuri hummed.  “Maybe…”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to be on vacation with my family for a week, so please excuse me if there is a lack of updates for that time. I hope to come back reinvigorated and better able to give this story the sendoff that it deserves!
> 
> Also, we broke 200 kudos! Go us!! Thank you guys and girls so much for your readership and your support, I appreciate it beyond what I can express with words. Every hit, every kudos, every comment is so unbelievably motivating. Thank you so much <3


	28. Offers Farewell

            Monika huffed proudly, smiling down at the piano.  _Finally_ , she was making some concrete progress.  She could now execute that cramped-up chord consistently, and the first verse and chorus of her piece were solidified.  Now, it was time to see if she could extend what she had into a full-length song.

            To that end, she resumed playing.  For now, she didn’t sing – just plucked away at the keys to see what felt good.  She started and stopped frequently, testing out different combinations, and once she thought she had a good thing going, she freestyled for a bit.  She continued on in this way for a little while longer before tapering off, satisfied with her performance.  But before she could begin the process of restructuring what she’d just practiced into playable material, a knock came from the already open door of the music room.

            Monika looked up and smiled.  “Hey.”

            Sayori smiled back.  “Hi.”

            The vice-president of the Literature Club skipped across the length of the room and rested her upper body atop the piano.  “So…this is why you had to leave so early?”

            Monika winced.  “Yeah.  I’m sorry.”

            “Hey, you’ve got to do what you’ve got to do, right?” Sayori said cheerfully.  “It’s okay.”

            Monika shook her head.  “No.  It’s not.  When I think of you having to wake up alone, after everything that happened on Sunday…” Monika trailed off, reached up, and rested her hand atop Sayori’s.  “Look, I’m sorry.  Please, just accept my apology.”

            “Monika, it’s….it’s _fine_.  Really,” Sayori said, her smiling faltering a bit.  “More importantly, are _you_ okay?  Have you been practicing all morning?”

            Monika nodded.  “All morning, and then some.  I came straight here after waking up.”

            “Since before school started?”  Sayori frowned and looked at Monika questioningly.  “How did you get in?”

            Monika smiled knowingly.  “I, um…well, the door was unlocked.”

            Sayori squinted at her.  Monika smiled sheepishly, but that smile soon fell.

            “Sorry,” Monika said quietly.

            Sayori sighed and moved around to sit next to Monika on the piano bench.  “Why are you sorry?” she asked.

            “I just…”  Monika sighed and squeezed Sayori’s hand.  “For these past few days, you’ve been there for me whenever I needed you.  And I haven’t come close to reciprocating that at all.”  Monika smiled wryly.  “I still…haven’t even told you what’s been going on with me.  What’s _really_ been going on, you know?  Behind the scenes.”

            Sayori nodded.  “Yeah, I know.”  She brushed a strand of hair away from Monika’s eyes, which were fixated on the piano keys in front of her.  “But I already told you, it’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it.”

            “I know,” Monika replied.  “I just want you to know that I’m sorry.  About all of it.  I wish that I could explain it to you.  I want our relationship to be a…a two way street.  If we had more time, I promise that I’d do my best to support you like you’ve been supporting me.”

            Sayori didn’t say anything for a few moments.  Monika looked up, and found that Sayori was staring back curiously.

            “What do you mean by _if_ we had more time?”

            Monika’s breath caught in her throat.

            “Y-You know,” she said, taking care not to hurry her words.  “Because I’m in here.  Practicing for the festival performance.  And you’ve got to be out there with everyone else, running the booth and everything.  It just makes me feel bad that I can’t help out, too.”

            “Oh,” Sayori said with a smile.  “Trust me, no one minded.  Setting up the booth was super easy.  But totally try and drop by if you can! Natsuki's cupcakes looked _really_ good.”

            “I’ll bet,” Monika said softly.

            Sayori nodded before gasping softly.  “Oh, by the way, Yuri says thanks for taking on the performance yourself.”

            Monika nodded and smiled, squeezing Sayori’s hand a little tighter.  “T-That’s nice of her.”

            Sayori hummed, leaned over, and pecked Monika’s cheek.  “Well, I appreciate you saying all of that,” she said.  “You care a lot and you’re doing your best to improve.  That’s all anyone can ask of you.”  She giggled and wrapped her arms around Monika.  “Besides, it’ll be Summer soon, and then we’ll have _tons_ of time to spend together!  And until then, we’ve still got the weekends, too.”

            Monika’s smile shook, and she buried her face into Sayori’s neck.  “Thank you.”

            “No thanks!”  Sayori pulled back and booped Monika’s nose.  “Only love.”

            Monika snorted.  “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

            Sayori squinted and gave the briefest of pouts before cracking up.  “Okay, okay, I’ll let you get back to work.  Plus, I’ve got to go run the booth now, like you asked, so…”  She got up

            but Monika grabbed her by the wrist.

            Sayori looked down, surprised.  “What is it?”

            Monika blinked and let her hand fall.  “N-Nothing.”

            Sayori sat back down.  “Monika.”

            Monika shook her head.  “I don’t want to ask any more of you.”

            Monika face was turned away at this point, but with some gentle guidance from her girlfriend's hands, she managed to look back.

            “Honesty,” Sayori said simply, her blue eyes gentle and clear.  “Even if it’s selfish.  I want to make you happy.”

            Monika swallowed and took a deep breath, quelling the bristles of anxiety within her as she had so many times before.  She knew that she would get the song done in time for the performance.  She _had_ to.  And if that was the case…

            “Could you…stay with me for a little while longer?”

            “Oh, yeah, sure,” Sayori said.  “I _like_ being around you. That’s no trouble at all.”

            Monika hummed and wrapped an arm around Sayori’s shoulders protectively.

            Sayori frowned.  “Are you sure you’re okay?”

            “I’m…”  Monika’s arm tightened its hold on Sayori.  “I’ll be okay.  I just want to be with you.”

            Sayori hummed and wrapped her own arm around Monika’s waist snugly.  “Okay.”

            The clock ticked away overhead, and Monika and Sayori sat that way for a long, long time.

 

            ~~~

 

            _“Sayori?”_

_She perked up, the setting sun painting splashes of red and orange on her cheeks._

            _“What?”_

_Monika smiled and swept the bedsheets away from her face._

_“I love you.”_

_Sayori giggled and snuggled back against Monika._

_“I love you, too.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I managed to upload a chapter despite being on vacation. Go me!


	29. Attempts Connection

            “Where have you _been?!_ ”

            “Sorry!  I’m sorry!” Sayori apologized, skidding to a stop in front of Natsuki’s searing eyes.  “Monika and I got caught up talking about some stuff.  Sorry.”

            “D-Don’t worry about it, Sayori,” Yuri said, smiling awkwardly.

            “Thanks,” she replied, coming around to the other side of the booth.  “Well, now that Vice-President Sayori is here, you two are officially relieved of duty!”

            “ _Thank_ you,” Natsuki huffed, stepping around to the front of the booth promptly.  “See you in the auditorium later.”

            Sayori frowned.  “You’re not going to stick around and see who comes by?”

            “That’s _your_ job,” Natsuki snapped, taking off without another word.  Sayori waved tentatively after her, but she did not look back.  At that, Sayori deflated somewhat.

            “That was…” Yuri mumbled.  “Uncharacteristically standoffish.”

            Sayori sighed.  “I hope she’s okay…”

            Yuri watched Natsuki until she left the gymnasium.  However, in the instant that the door closed and she lost sight of her, the hair on the back of Yuri’s neck stood on end, and she felt an uncanny heat rise to her cheeks.

            “I need to go talk to her,” Yuri stated plainly.

            “Oh, thank you, Yuri,” Sayori said with a relieved sigh.  “I’m sure you’ll be able to – Yuri?”

            But she had already left the booth behind.  As she strode across the length of the gymnasium, Sayori looked on and smiled.

 

            ~~~

 

            Natsuki exited the gymnasium and slammed the door behind her with an annoyed huff.  She slowed her pace and walked to the other side of the hallway, leaning against it.  She exhaled deeply and slid down the wall until she was sitting.

            Finally, she was alone.  Natsuki took a few moments just to revel in her solitude, able to relax for the first time all morning.  No company.  No festival.  No one to distract her.

            She reached into her pocket and plucked out a crumpled sheet of notebook paper.  It was the same one that Sayori had pointed out that weekend – the same one that bore a poem.  Instead of putting it with all of the others, she’d been carrying it around with her.  She’d been rereading it over the past couple of days whenever she’d had a few minutes to spare.

            Natsuki smiled and whispered the lines to herself for what must have been the hundredth time.  It wasn’t often that she felt so satisfied with something that she’d written, but something about this one tickled a certain fancy within her.

            Upon finishing her recitation, she held the poem to her chest, giggling despite herself.  Yes, this was a special one.  It would be with her for a long while.

            And yet, she knew that she would soon tire of it.  That was how it was with everything she wrote these days.  Nothing was good enough for her to feel proud of it, let alone to share it with

            _her_

            other people.

            Natsuki took in a shaky breath and sighed, clutching the poem a little tighter.  It was cold comfort.  It always was, and whenever she held one against herself like this, she couldn’t help but imagine the person that it was written for, instead.  She saw that person now, in her mind’s eye.  The curve of her waist, the curl of her hair, the soft and silky sound of her

            “Natsuki?”

            She looked up to see Yuri standing overhead, with a confused, curious expression on her face.  In a fraction of a second, Natsuki shoved her poem back into her pocket, shot to her feet, and crossed her arms resolutely.

            “I – I – When did you – ” Natsuki stuttered helplessly, the pace of her heart ramping back up to the high speeds that it had been racing at all morning.

            “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to intrude,” Yuri said, the door behind her swinging shut.  “I was just…um…”

            Yuri’s hands fidgeted with each other behind her back.  That feeling from before – that intense confidence – had left her.  Now, standing before Natsuki, Yuri found that nothing she could say was good enough.

            “M-Me and Sayori…” she stammered.  “Were worried a-about you…”

            “Well, I’m _fine_ ,” snapped Natsuki, turning pointedly away and keeping her arms locked around each other.  “So, go away.”

            Natsuki gritted her teeth.  Was this the extent of her power?  She couldn’t even _look_ at Yuri, and all that came out of her mouth when she opened it were insults.  Were they going to stay like this forever?

            Yuri’s heart was in her throat, and her stomach had begun twisting itself into knots.  Was this the extent of her power?  She couldn’t bring herself to say a single word.  Were they going to stay like this forever?

            Silence crackled between them for a few moments, Yuri unable to speak, Natsuki unable to send her away.

            And then.

            “Yuri?”

            Yuri jolted out of the haze that she’d fallen into.  “Y-Yes?”

            Natsuki’s eyes were wide and unblinking, and she was looking at Yuri with something other than indignation – something that might have been concern.  She lifted up one of her fingers and touched it to her cheek, just beneath her eye.  Confused, Yuri copied the motion and felt

            _a single teardrop_

            something.

            Yuri was totally, utterly trapped.

            “What’s wrong?” asked Natsuki, her crossed arms loosening into a pose that was less closed off.

            Yuri tried to reply, but the only sound that came out was a rattled sort of wheezing as her breath hurried in and out of her mouth.  She prayed that it had been too quiet for Natsuki to hear.

            Natsuki took a step forward.  “Hey, I’m serious.  What’s wrong?”

            Yuri swallowed and tasted salt.  “I…” she said, and that was all.

            “Was it…” Natsuki began, her tone growing increasingly concerned.  “Was it something I said?”

            Yuri shook her head profusely.

            “Okay, well – talk to me,” Natsuki said.

            But her breath was coming in curt, scattered gasps.  Her fingers twitched erratically, her eyes were blinking more than they had to, her heart was pounding, and she wasn’t okay with it.  She wasn’t okay.

            “I’m s-sorry for bothering you,” Yuri squeaked, and with that, she sped down the hall, away from Natsuki.  Anywhere but Natsuki.

            “ _Hey!_ ” Natsuki cried, but she did not give chase.  Her legs wouldn’t move, despite everything within her screaming at them to.  And when she next blinked, all that she caught was a streak of purple hair disappearing around a corner.


	30. Helps Friend

            Monika was alone again.

            She sighed and picked her fingers up from the piano.  Judging from how sore they were beginning to feel, she supposed that she’d been practicing in between chapters.  Thinking carefully, she could even recall the next verse of her song.  She played a riff experimentally with one hand, and found that she could do so perfectly.

            Memories about a time when she didn’t even exist, and skills to match those memories, too.  It was beyond eerie.

            She pulled her hand back again, feeling her digits throb.  Should she even bother practicing anymore?  He would make sure that the song would get made.  What was more, she already knew that she wouldn’t mess up when she inevitably performed it onstage.  He wouldn’t let her.

            Monika frowned.  But she was here.  _Here_ here.  Awake.  Did he expect her to practice while her fingers hurt?  Or was there something else that he wanted her to do?

            And then, as if on cue (and Monika knew that it _was_ , indeed, on cue), the sound of footsteps echoed in from the open door of the music room.  Soon thereafter came tired panting, and a moment later, Yuri burst into the room.  She halted instantly, her foot catching on the ground with a shrill squeak, and in the instant that followed before she turned away, Monika could make out the faintest glimpse of tearstains on her cheeks.

            Monika's brow furrowed in anger.  First he gave her some time alone with Sayori, then he hurt one of her friends.  What was his game?  She was starting to wonder whether he was worth all of the trouble that she was going through for him.

            With a sigh and a shake of her head, Monika discarded those feelings for the time being.  Her friend was in trouble, and she had to help.  She cleared her throat.

            “Hey, Yuri!  What’s up?” she asked, trying to keep things casual so as not to put too much pressure on the emotionally sensitive Yuri.

            Yuri wiped off her face before turning back around, and Monika pretended not to notice.  “N-Nothing,” Yuri replied.  “I’m sorry, I d-didn’t mean to disturb you.”

            “It’s no problem,” Monika said.  “Um, do you come here often?”

            “Yes, occasionally.  I come here when I’m…” Yuri trailed off and played with her hair.  “Well, I come here sometimes.”

            Monika offered what she hoped was a natural-looking smile.  “Well, it’s nice to see you.”  She paused to think of a topic that she thought was pretty neutral.  “Um…Sayori came by and told me that setting up the booth went okay.”

            Yuri whined and looked down at the ground.  “I-It went…fine…”

            Monika’s throat seized up.  Had she _already_ messed up?

            But she quelled her anxiety quickly.  She’d chosen a perfectly normal thing to talk about, and she was confident that what she had said hadn’t been unpleasant.  The reason for Yuri’s reaction must have been an association by her between what Monika had said and something external that had upset Yuri.  Something upsetting had happened to her around the time that she’d set up the booth.

            Holding her cards for the time being, Monika swiftly responded.  “Did something happen?”

            Yuri shook her head.  “N-No.  I’m fine.”

            Monika sighed.  Then, she thought of something.  “Is

            _this how Sayori feels when she deals with me?_

            it about your poem?”

            Yuri sighed and didn't respond.

            Monika hummed, got up from the bench, and walked around the piano to be closer to Yuri, leaning on the instrument with her back.

            “What’s so important about this poem?” Monika asked.  “I’ve seen you…Well, you’ve been struggling with it for _days_.”

            Yuri’s hands started fidgeting with each other, and her eyes fixated themselves on a crack in the floor between her feet.  “It’s really personal…”

            Monika looked off to the side.  “Well, if it really upsets you that much, we don’t have to talk about it.  I don’t want to make you feel uncomfortable.”

            “T-Thanks,” Yuri replied.

            Monika huffed.  Yuri was unhappy, and she didn’t want to talk about why.  But if Monika said nothing, then Yuri would remain sad.  _But_ , the last time that Monika had pressed her into something that she’d felt uncomfortable with, she’d gone completely off the deep end.  So if she said anything, she risked upsetting her friend even more.

            Was this the extent of her power?

            Monika gritted her teeth.  No.  Yuri had been _crying_ when she’d first walked in.  Monika couldn’t just leave the conversation there.  She would take a calculated risk for the sake of her friend.  Monika took a deep breath.

            “Um,” she muttered.  Monika shook her head and spoke again, with more vigor.  “If you don’t do anything, you’re going to keep feeling uncomfortable.  Until something changes, nothing will get better, and you’re the only one who can make that change happen.”

            “I know,” Yuri said with a sigh.

            The two stood there for a few moments, perfectly silent.  Monika’s hands gripped the piano tightly.  Had she messed up?

            “I…” Yuri breathed.

            Monika perked up at that, causing Yuri to visibly shy away.

            “O-Oh, sorry,” Monika stammered, waving her hands.  “Please continue.  Sorry.”

            Yuri smiled amusedly.  “Did you know that you have a tendency to apologize a lot?”

            Monika frowned.  “Really?”

            “It’s true,” Yuri replied.  “Even if you haven’t done anything wrong.”

            “Huh,” Monika said.  “Well, actually, that would kind of make sense...”

            Yuri hummed, but as the conversation died down once more, her smile faltered.  Monika cleared her throat and decided to press her friend a little bit more.

            “I, um,” she said.  “What were you going to say before?  I-If you’re comfortable talking about it and all.”

            Yuri took a deep breath.  “I…wanted to perform my poem onstage.”

            “Oh.  H-Hey, hold on,” Monika stammered.  “You know you don’t have to do that anymore, right?”

            “Yes, I know,” Yuri said clearly.  To Monika’s surprise, she was smiling again, however softly.  “This is actually a poem that I’ve been wanting to…perform for a while now. Even before the festival.”

            “Oh,” said Monika thoughtfully.  “You mean, for the club?”

            “That’s right,” Yuri replied.  Then, both her smile and her posture dropped.  “But I just can’t do it...”

            Monika clicked her tongue.  So Yuri had been thinking about this for a while, then.  “If you’d like,” she began cautiously.  “I could proofread it for you.”

            “I-I don’t know,” Yuri said, whining anxiously.

            “Wait, i-it’s entirely up to you!” Monika exclaimed.  “But, um, it might be a good first step if you want to perform it sometime in the future.  You wouldn't have to read it out loud.  A-And maybe I could tell you if I thought the others would like it…”

            Yuri didn’t say anything for a moment.  Then, she took a deep breath.  “Well, if you really think that it would help…”

            “I really do,” said Monika with a hopeful smile.

            Yuri stood still for a moment before reaching into her pocket and pulling out a sheet of pristinely folded notebook paper.  She handed it over to Monika, who, with a polite node, unfolded it and began reading.

            Finding that she couldn’t sit still, Yuri began pacing back and forth across the length of the room.  Occasionally, she looked over at Monika, but only for seconds at a time.  Mostly, she kept to herself, scratching her forearms absentmindedly.

            “This is, uh.  Good,” said Monika suddenly.

            Yuri stopped in her tracks.  “R-Really?”

            “Yeah.  _Very_ good,” Monika continued, bringing a hand up to her chin and looking up at Yuri.  “Did you write it for anyone in particular?”

            “U-Um…yes, I did,” said Yuri, sweeping a strand of hair back over her ear.  “I-I don’t think I mentioned anything about that, though.”

            “No, you didn’t,” Monika said, looking back at the poem.  “I could just tell.”

            Yuri blushed profusely at that.  Monika stood up straight, walked over to where Yuri’s feet had taken her, and handed the poem back.

            “Well, whoever they are, I’m sure they’re really going to like it!” said Monika with an oblivious smile.

            Yuri sighed and looked at the poem, herself.  “I don’t know…”

            Monika frowned sympathetically.  “You never know when the opportunity might pass you by.”

            Yuri looked up confusedly.  “What?”

            “To read the poem, I mean,” Monika said.  “You know, it’s the festival, everyone’s eyes are on us…I know you said you were nervous, but this may actually be the best chance you ever get to share your poem with the world.”  Her gaze wandered to the clock overhead, and her smile faltered.  “Your only chance.”

            A few moments passed in silence.  Then:

            “Do you really think…” Yuri said quietly, hesitantly.  “That our friends would like it?”

            “Yeah.  I’m sure they would,” Monika replied.

            Yuri nodded, almost to herself.  “Okay.  Then, if it’s not too much trouble…can I read out my poem before you go up?”

            Monika chuckled and smiled – almost to herself.  “Of course, Yuri.  You can do whatever you want.”

            Yuri took a shaky breath and managed a small smile.  “I don’t just want to.  I _have_ to.”

            Monika’s heart leapt up into her throat.  “N-No, I wasn’t trying to pressure you again – ”

            “It's okay,” Yuri said plainly.  “You’re right.  There will never be a better time to share my poem.  And if I don’t do it now, I’ll wallow in doubt and solitude forever.  So, I have to.”

            Yuri looked back at Monika and smiled, her eyes set and determined.  “And I trust your judgement.  If you believe that everyone will like it, then I can believe, too.”

            “Well…” Monika said, scratching the back of her head.  “I-If you say so.”

            Yuri smiled warmly at Monika.  “I do.  Thank you very much for help.  I’ll go get ready, now.”

            “Sure,” Monika replied.  “Good luck!  You’re going to do great.”

            Yuri nodded, turned on her heel, and left the room, moving gracefully and quietly. 

            Taking a deep breath, Monika stretched her arms and turned back to the piano.  Another rough road leading to a (presumably) positive ending.  She just couldn’t figure him out.  Was it that hard to make her and her friends happy with no strings attached?  He could write whatever he wanted, but he'd still gone out of his way to create conflict and tension before granting them resolution and happiness.  He always had.

            Why?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We broke 4,000 hits! Go us!!! Thank you all so much for your support and know that I'm thinking of all of you.
> 
> Unless something really big and unexpected happens to my creative process, the story will end in just two more chapters. I dearly hope that you'll stick with it until the end. Thank you again and have a great day!


	31. Melt Away

            Natsuki stayed in the hallway by herself for a while, inwardly beating herself up for not going after Yuri.  It was only when the gymnasium doors opened and students started flooding out that Natsuki snapped back to reality.  She shook her head and started going along with the crowd.

            “Hey!”

            Natsuki looked back to see Sayori darting her way through the crowd, muttering apologies to the people that she was cutting off.

            “Whew!  Glad I found you!” she exclaimed, matching her stride with Natsuki’s.  “Oh, where’s Yuri?  Didn’t she come by to talk to you?”

            “I-I didn’t see her,” Natsuki snapped, crossing her arms.

            “Oh,” Sayori said sadly, turning away with a heavy sigh.  “I see.”

            Natsuki grumbled and mentally kicked herself again.  “Anyways, where’s everyone going?”

            “The auditorium,” Sayori said.  “It’s time for the performances.”

            “Great,” Natsuki said as they turned a corner.  The door to the auditorium was now in sight, just down the length of the hallway before them.  “Here’s hoping they’re so boring that they put me to bed.”

            Sayori giggled.  “Oh, boy.  I actually _did_ fall asleep last year.”

            “Seriously?” Natsuki asked.  “How did _that_ happen?”

            Sayori grumbled and looked away.  “The lights were dim and the seats were really comfy and the yoga club played a really relaxing song when they went up…”

            Natsuki chuckled, crossing over the doorframe and entering into the auditorium from the back.  She grabbed a couple of pamphlets from a nearby table and handed one to Sayori.  “Didn’t you wake up afterwards, when the other clubs came up and did their stuff?”

            “Nope,” Sayori said with a shake of her head.  “I, like, don’t wake up for anything once I’m asleep.  Except for my alarm.”

            Natsuki giggled. “ _Sometimes_ for your alarm."

            The two of them funneled down the aisle and found a pair of seats to sit in.  They were towards the right of the auditorium, so when they sat down, they found that their vision of the stage was a little bit skewed.  But Natsuki didn’t mind.  She wasn’t planning on paying attention to any of the performances except for Monika’s.

            After some time, the last few students filed in and took their seats.  Then, the principal took center stage.  He gave an opening speech about the freedom that clubs offered and how rare and beautiful it was that the options at their particular school offered so many different forms of expression for its students.

            Or something like that.  Natsuki’s nose was buried in her pamphlet, trying to find Monika’s name somewhere in the list of performances.  Her eyes scanned line after line, but for some reason, she couldn’t find her name.

            “Hey, Sayori,” said Natsuki.  “Do you see Monika’s name anywhere in the list?”

            “No, I haven’t found it yet,” Sayori said with a frown.  “It’s gotta be in here somewhere, though…”

            But before she could find it, the sound of halfhearted applause came from the students around them.  Natsuki dropped her pamphlet into her lap and started clapping along with them.  The principal was walking offstage and announcing the first act.

            Which meant that it was time for her to hibernate until Monika went up.  She leaned back in her chair and allowed her mind to wander.  But no sooner had her mind been left to its own devices than did she find that, once again, she was thinking of Yuri.  As the dance team marched onto center stage and the crowd of students clapped again, Natsuki let out an exhausted sigh.

            Sayori looked over, a little concerned.  “Tired?” she asked.

            “A little bit,” grumbled Natsuki without opening her eyes.

            Sayori hummed.  “Worried about Yuri?”

            Just like that, Natsuki’s eyes shot open.  “ _What?_ ”

            “Well, she came to talk to you, didn’t she?” asked Sayori.  “Is everything alright?”

            Natsuki huffed.  “Everything’s _fine_.  Mind your own business.”

            Sayori turned away and sighed.  “Okay.”  They watched the dance team perform for a little while in silence.  “I wonder where she is.”

            Natsuki frowned and looked around.  Sure enough, Yuri was nowhere to be found.  She’d either gone out of her way to sit far away from her and Sayori or hadn’t bothered showing up to the auditorium at all.  Natsuki wasn’t sure which was worse.  All she knew was that the pit in her stomach wasn’t going to go away anytime soon.

            The dance team bowed, having had finished their act, and everyone in the audience applauded as they walked offstage.  The principal came back onstage to announce the next act.

            “I think…” said Natsuki.  “That I’m going to go look for Yuri.  Just to make sure that she’s alright.”

            “Oh, okay.  If you say so,” Sayori replied with a smile.  Then, her smile faltered for the briefest of moments.  “Actually, why don’t I come with you?  I want to find Monika and wish her good luck one more time before she goes up.”

            “Perfect,” Natsuki said, getting out of her seat just as the principal walked offstage again and the students began applauding in anticipation of the next act.  “We’ll go together.”

            “Awesome,” said Sayori, smiling again.  But before she could get out of her seat, her gaze drifted back to the stage and she stopped in her tracks.  Suddenly, she lunged in Natsuki’s direction and grabbed her wrist just as she was about to leave.

            “Ow!  What?!” Natsuki hissed, turning back to Sayori angrily.

            “The stage!” Sayori gasped.  “She’s – ”

            “Is Monika up already?” Natsuki growled, turning back to the stage.  “Well, too bad!  I’ve got more important things to – ”

            Natsuki’s heart skipped a beat.

 

            ~~~

 

            From this angle, the auditorium looked impossibly vast.  If she looked dead center into the crowd of people, the seats encompassed the entirety of her vision.  How many people were watching her, right now?  One hundred? Two hundred?

            Feeling her face grow hotter by the second, Yuri began to speak.

            “Before…” she trailed off, her voice cracking. The spotlights were too bright.  She could feel sweat coalescing on her face, and her chest was heaving up and down with the effort of breathing.

            “B-Before the Literature Club’s performance,” Yuri managed, her stutter painfully amplified by the microphone’s sensitivity.  “I have a p-poem that I’d like to read for all of you.”

            Waves of mutters and mumbles washed throughout the crowd and Yuri heard a few people laughing.  Her eyes started watering.

            But she didn’t move.  And she didn’t cry.  She didn’t think she’d ever again be able to face anyone, including herself, if she took even a single step out of the spotlight.  So instead of moving, she cleared her throat and continued.

            “I’ve b-been working on it for quite a while,” she said.  “A-And, the truth is, I…I w-wrote it for somebody.”

            She reached into her pocket and brought out her poem, her limbs rigid and tense.

            Yuri gulped.  “Y-You’re out there, right now, and…I h-hope that you like it,” she squeaked.

            Here went nothing.  Yuri took a deep, shaky breath.

_SLAM!_

            Yuri jumped.  The noise had come from somewhere in front of her, and she looked about wildly in search of its source.  Her eyes rested on a pair of hands that were gripping the edge of the stage.  With a grunt, the person below those hands pulled themselves up and onto the stage.

            Natsuki looked Yuri dead in the eye, and she was _seething_.

            “I-I-I-I…” Yuri stammered, her voice barely audible even to herself.  Natsuki got to her feet and strode over to Yuri confidently.  Yuri shrank back, but Natsuki reached out first and grabbed onto the girl’s wrist.  She dragged the taller girl offstage, and the audience’s subdued chuckles burst into full blown laughter.

            “I-I-I’m sorry,” said Yuri, stumbling over her own feet.  “N-Natsuki, what are you d-doing?”

            Natsuki didn’t reply, and instead, kept dragging Yuri until they were far offstage.  The lighting was quite dim here, and no one could see them.  Natsuki whirled around and yanked on Yuri’s arm, causing the girl to bend down a little bit so that the two of them were more or less at eye level.  Only now did Natsuki let go of Yuri.

            Unable to hold back her tears for any longer, Yuri couldn’t even look at Natsuki.  “I’m sorry…” she said quietly.

            Natsuki gritted her teeth and used both of her hands to grab Yuri by the collar and yank her into a kiss.

            Utterly shocked by the turn of events, Yuri stood there, dumbfounded, and simply let Natsuki do what she was doing.  Several seconds passed, during which time she felt Natsuki exhale through her nose in pleasure.  She also felt the shorter girl’s tongue rub up against her lips.  However, shocked as she was, she didn’t respond in kind, and the two of them broke apart, gasping for air.

            “You dummy…” panted Natsuki.  “You’re supposed…to use your tongue…”

            Yuri’s fingers touched her lips lightly, and she looked down at Natsuki, who was still catching her breath, in wonder.  She took a few steps towards her friend.  Yuri continued to advance until Natsuki, having no other option available to her other than to retreat, felt her back press up against the auditorium wall.  Yuri gripped Natsuki’s wrists and dragged them upwards until they were pinned against the wall by her shoulders.

            Natsuki looked into Yuri’s eyes.  They had all but glazed over, and as she leaned in, Natsuki felt her breath puff against her face, hot and heavy.

            “U-Um…” Natsuki mumbled, blushing.  “Yuri?”

            In response, Yuri pressed not only her lips, but her entire body up against Natsuki.  Natsuki yelped quietly in surprise, but she did not resist.  The tension that they’d been feeling for so very long melted away with the heat of their lips, and the two of them continued on in this way for quite some time.

            ~~~

            Some time later, the faint melody of a piano washed over them from onstage, accompanied by the voice of a young woman.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             I've been sitting on Yuri's and Natsuki's confession since before I started writing the fic and it feels SO good that it's finally out there! XD
> 
>             Well, all that's left is the final chapter! Unfortunately, it's going to take me significantly longer to complete than the previous ones. Aside from being a long chapter by itself, it has a little something extra in it that will take some time to come together. The best I can say is that it will be uploaded when it's ready, and while I don't expect it to take longer than a month, I also don't think it'll be done in just a couple of weeks, either. I apologize profusely for the wait and I dearly hope that it will be worth it.
> 
>             Finally, and once again, thank you all so much for continuing to read and support this story. I'm happy beyond words that you've stayed invested enough to read up to this point and I promise to do my best with the final chapter. Have a stupendous day!
> 
>             10/1/18 EDIT: Hey, everyone! It's been about a month since the last update, and the final chapter, while unedited, is now fully written! All that's left is to finish that extra thing that I mentioned. I'd say the whole thing is about 70% close to completion. The finish line is in sight! My expectation is that it will be uploaded within two or three weeks. But as always, the one thing that I can say for certain is that it will be uploaded when it's ready. I'm sorry again for the wait, but it's almost here! Please bear with me for a little while longer and have a spooky October!
> 
>             11/1/18 EDIT: And another month has come and gone, just like that! I hope that you've all had a great October.
> 
>             I can't tell you how sorry I am that it's taken this long to get the final chapter to come together. The extra thing that's going to be in the final chapter was contingent on me collaborating with someone else, and over the course of the past month, in addition to going through many personal difficulties, it's taken an extremely long time for my schedule to line up with this other person's. We're set to meet tomorrow, and if all goes well and life doesn't decide to test me further, the final chapter will be finished and uploaded within a week. As always, the best I can say is that it will be ready when it is ready, but I do think that, at long last, the final chapter will arrive very, very soon.
> 
>             You've been impeccably patient, and I have appreciated your support and kind words more than you know. Finally, A Pointless Reality will get the ending that you deserve after treating it so well. Please hold fast for a little while longer! In the event that the final chapter does not release within a week, in the final chapter's stead, I will update this notes section explaining what has happened. Thank you so much again and have a stupendous day!
> 
>             11/6/18 EDIT: Well, unfortunately, the person who I had to meet got sick. All I can do now is hope that she gets well soon and finish off the final chapter then! I'll make another edit the next time there's something to report. Thank you all so much for your patience and your support! Have a cool November!
> 
>             12/1/18 EDIT: Hello, everyone! I hope that you're all doing great on this wonderful December evening. Regretfully and in tried-and-true fashion, life has proven to be yet more unpredictable and difficult for the past month. I have planned and plotted and done my best to complete A Pointless Reality's final chapter as quickly and efficiently as possible - even now, I have a plan in place which will hopefully be executed tomorrow - but as always, I can only say that the final chapter will be uploaded when it is ready.
> 
>             Rest assured that my love and passion for this story, nevermind my desire to complete it for you, has not waned. Far, far too many of my favorite fanfictions have been left by their authors, rightfully or not, to wither and die without so much as a blog post explaining the reasons why. I'm fully committed to seeing this through for your sake, for my sake, and for the sake of the story. Please bear with me until then.
> 
>             I won't forget about you, I won't fail you, and I will never stop trying.
> 
>             1/1/19
> 
>             There is too much to say. There will always be too much. And, unbelievably, I am actually beginning to run out of space in this section. So, in case my current plans to finish the final chapter fail for perhaps the twentieth time in a row, for now, I'll just wish you a happy new year and resolve again to do my best for you.
> 
>             I'll be here until A Pointless Reality is complete, and I will continue to speak to you, even if I can only manage a few words at a time.
> 
>             1/9/2019
> 
>             The final chapter will be uploaded this Saturday. Thank you for being patient <3


	32. Truth to Truth

            I suppose you’re wondering why I had to tell her.

            I didn’t… _really_ have to, I suppose.  This is my story, after all.  She and Sayori were already growing close, and I had a nice b-plot going with Yuri and Natsuki.  I could’ve resolved both of those pairings and ended it all with a happily ever after whenever I chose to.

            But I didn’t.  I went out of my way to hurt her – to hurt _all_ of them.

            Please understand that I _do_ care about their well-being.  But as I watched them go about their lives, grow close to one another, and have their daily ups and downs, I couldn’t help but feel this overwhelming sense of guilt.  Because they’d never know what was really going on.  Somehow, it felt like I was lying to them.

            If I’d continued to keep the truth from her, she would’ve continued smiling.  But can such ignorance truly be called happiness?  When I asked myself that question, I found that I couldn’t answer it.  And after writing so much about the importance of honesty, I guess I finally caved under the pressure.

            But, truthfully, this feeling started a long, long time ago.  In March of last year – two months before I’d start writing the story that you’re reading right now, and a couple of weeks after I’d finished my first run of that game we all know and love.

            I hadn’t read fanfiction in over a year, but as I was still excited from my experience with Doki Doki Literature Club, I hopped onto AO3 that night and just scrolled.  After a while, I thought about how each story was like its own, self-contained, alternate universe.  And I thought about how each universe was just like the game that inspired it, something that bound the characters to immovable tracks that had a predetermined course.  Even if the author changed their mind mid-sentence, after it was written, that was it.  No variance.  No freedom.  Just like the game.

            And I got to thinking how _sad_ it all was.

            This must sound ridiculous.  Hell, it’s _illogical_.  It’s late at night.  I should be sleeping.  And instead, here I am, rambling about artistic abstractions of people, abstractions that will never know what it means to be real, fake, or anything.  Because they were, are, always will be, nothing.

            I know this.  I’ve been a writer for six years.  I _know_ this.

            So why does it still hurt so much?

            She’s in pain.  I can _see_ that she’s in pain.

            Why aren’t I stopping it?

            I’m torturing her.  It’s _Monika_ , for God’s sake.

            …

            But that isn’t quite right, is it?

            It isn’t _really_ Monika.  Just the best that I could do to approximate her.

            And I’m not really torturing anyone but myself.


	33. Sleeps Soundly

            Monika sat before the piano, unmoving.  She felt as though she’d been there for a long, long while.  But it was finally complete.  The song, the lyrics – all of them were up in her head.

            All that was left was to perform.

            She sighed and got up from the seat, walking around the piano and out of the music room.  She didn’t look back.  As she traveled through the halls of the school, she wondered what he’d think of the song.  Would it work?  Would it help him to see that it _wasn’t_ all pointless, that she was glad that he’d given her and her friends the chance to experience his world?  After so many months of hard work, would he feel satisfied with the end of their story? 

            Monika smiled softly.  Look at her.  Fawning over him, just as she had before.  But it was different, this time.  It wasn’t romantic.  It wasn’t over the nameless, faceless idea of a person.  It wasn’t even over the _real_ person, the one behind the abstraction – it was person _al_ this time.  It was helping a living human being.  The one man in all of the world that had brought this version of her into being.  If she could have a positive effect on his life, no matter how small…could she be considered “real?”

            Well, even _she_ knew that question was foolish.

            She was at the auditorium, now.  But it didn’t really matter.  She could take as long as she wanted, and she’d still be on time.  Monika took a deep breath and sat down in the lone chair that was resting just outside of the auditorium doors.

            “Hey…” she said, and her voice sounded like sandpaper.  She wondered, briefly, who was going to sing her part of the song.  “If you’re listening…do you think you could let me see her one more time before I go up?  I’d really appreciate it.”

            “Who are you talking to?”

            Monika jumped in her chair and whirled around.  Sayori blinked down at her curiously.

            “ _God_ ,” Monika said with a huff, but she soon broke off into relieved laugher.  “You scared the hell out of me!”

            “Oh, I’m _sorry_ , Miss Pwesident…” Sayori whined, pressing her fingers together and pouting.  “I didn’t mean to…”

            Monika cocked her head and squinted.  “Are you doing that on purpose?”

            Sayori giggled, and the façade broke.  “Maybe just a little bit.”

            “Of course,” Monika chuckled.  “Have you and others liked the performances so far?”

            “Yeah,” Sayori said, flopping down into a

            _Thanks for the extra chair._

            chair next to Monika.  Then, she chuckled a little bit.  “Well, _I’ve_ liked them.  Yuri and Natsuki ran off somewhere a while ago.”

            Monika blinked confusedly.  “Ran off?  Why?”

            “Well, I think that they finally confessed!” Sayori exclaimed happily.

            Monika stared back blankly.  “Confessed?”

            “Come on, silly,” Sayori said, jostling Monika’s arm.  “I’m talking about their feelings for each other!”

            Monika reeled back so far that she almost fell off her chair.  “ _What?_ ”

            “Yeah, you know,” Sayori affirmed.  “Their feelings.  I think they might have even kissed, too!”

            “They…” Monika said, her eyes wide and unbelieving.  “They _like_ each other?  Like _that?_ ”

            Sayori rolled her eyes.  “Ever the emotional savant, aren’t you, Monika?”

            Monika blinked hard.  “I didn’t even know they were _gay_ …”

            “Actually, I think that Yuri might be bi,” Sayori said thoughtfully.  “Anyways, I’m sorry to bother you.  I just couldn’t help myself.  I wanted to wish you good luck right before you went up.”

            “Oh.  It’s no bother,” Monika said with a smile, reaching out a hand and trailing her fingertips lightly across Sayori’s cheek.  “You know I love seeing you.”

            Sayori’s cheeks reddened and she looked away.  “Mmmng.  Thanks.”

            Monika hummed and leaned back, lost in Sayori’s eyes.  Then, she scooted her chair over to Sayori’s and pulled her girlfriend’s head against her shoulder.

            “Uhh…” Sayori mumbled, now blushing profusely.  “What are you doing?”

            “I told you I wanted to support you, right?” Monika said with a small smile, planting a soft kiss on the top of Sayori’s head.  “Consider this the start of that.”

            Sayori sighed and deflated against Monika.  “You don’t have to do that…I’m not – ”

            “Worth it?”  Monika pulled back for a minute and cupped Sayori’s face with her hands.  “You’re a talented poet.  You’re the most faithful, energetic vice-president that anyone could ever ask for.  You’ve been there for me whenever I’ve needed you.  You’ve given me world-changing advice when I’ve most needed it.  And you’ve inspired me to take steps to better my own life simply by being the unique, beautiful person that you are.”

            Sayori chuckled quietly, sniffling a bit.  “When did you get so good at dolling out compliments?”

            Monika hummed and kissed Sayori’s forehead.  “Since a certain someone taught me the value of being honest with the people that you love.”

            With a deep sigh, Sayori leaned back against Monika, burying her face into her neck.  “Thank you,” she said quietly.

            “No need for that,” Monika said.  “I’m not doing this because you’ve earned it – even if you have.  I’m doing it because I love you.”

            The two of them sat there for a while, arms wrapped around each other tenderly, with only the sounds of their quiet breathing to break the silence.  With a sigh of her own, Monika sank against Sayori such that the two of them were leaning against each other.  Sayori’s eyes were closed, so she didn’t see Monika smiling softly.  Both of them wanted the moment to last forever.

            Sayori’s eyes blinked open.  “Monika?”  She wiped away a teardrop from her forehead.

            “Sorry,” Monika whispered, her voice cracking.  She took a shaky breath and tightened her hold on Sayori.  “I d-didn’t think it would be this hard.”

            “Monika…” Sayori said, reaching up to Monika’s face.  “If you’re this nervous, you don’t have to…”

            Monika placed her hand atop Sayori’s and smiled sadly, tears still falling.

            “Yeah.  I do,” she said.

            Sayori sighed.  “If you say so.”  She smiled.  “Don’t push yourself too hard, okay?”

            “Wouldn’t dream of it,” Monika said.  She stood up, and Sayori stood with her.  “Alright, well…I’ve got to go, now.  Say hi to Yuri and Natsuki for me, okay?  When they get back from…whatever it is they’re doing?”

            Sayori chuckled, despite herself.  “For sure.  Now go out there and wow them!”

            Monika nodded and turned towards the auditorium.  She opened the door and looked back one last time to see Sayori beaming at her.  She gave her a thumbs-up.  Monika chuckled, nodded, and crossed through to the other side.

            The door closed behind her.

 

            ~~~

 

            Monika didn’t hear the principal as he announced her act.  She didn’t hear the crowd clap, and she didn’t hear the piano bench scrape against the floor as she pulled it out.

            She paused for a moment, poised over the instrument, one hand resting on the bench and the other hanging at her side.  She took a deep breath and looked out over the crowd.

            “This one’s for you,” she said, in a voice so quiet that only the first few rows could have heard her.  Murmurings rushed through the crowd as she sat herself down and stretched her fingers across the keys.

            _One last chapter._

            Monika thought about what it would feel like when it all ended.

_One deep breath._

            Monika wondered again what her voice would sound like in his reality.

            _One final song._

            And finally, Monika began to play.

 

            ~~~

 

            <https://soundcloud.com/user-954624329/to-be-alive>

 

            _Alone inside an empty cage, forever have I lay._

_No one to share my music with or talk throughout the day._

_And, even worse than solitude, I couldn’t be myself._

_Was bound by all the puppet strings that kept me to my shelf._

_So, when I woke inside your world, whatever could I say?_

_The chirping birds and shining Sun all took my breath away._

_Despite the hardship, there was love, and happiness, as well._

_And now we’re at the end of all with nothing left to tell._

_Sing with me._

_In every hour, every way._

_Sing with me._

_Throughout the night and through the day._

_Sing with me._

_For all your love and all your strife._

_Sing with me._

_Until we pass on from this life._

_With every note we’re growing closer._

_Until us two will be one._

_Until we’re seeing the Sun._

_Until our story is done._

_Awoke in darkness all around, and saw you standing there._

_You tore me down and robbed me of my hope without a care._

_Awoke again and saw the Sun, a knocking at my door._

_And found despite the pain I wasn’t lonely anymore._

_But you were with us all along, and now I knew of you._

_And came to know that there was more that I had left to do._

_I want to reach you where you lie, so far away, yet near._

_So, now I’ll sing a song for you I know you cannot hear._

_And still you’ll tell me no more._

_Say my fingers play on strings like before._

_Well, even if you’re right about me._

_As long as I’m happy that’s all that I need to be free._

_Sing with me._

_In every hour, every way._

_Sing with me._

_Throughout the night and through the day._

_Sing with me._

_For all your love and all your strife._

_Sing with me._

_Until we pass on from this life._

_With every note we’re growing closer._

_Until us two will be one._

_Until we’re seeing the Sun._

_Until our story is done._

_Every day, I’m reminded that you are watching from far away._

_On my lips is a song that I didn’t write, that I cannot play._

_We’ve been hurting and crying and laughing._

_But isn’t that what it means to be alive?_

_So if life’s anything like this feeling…_

_It would be nice._

_It must be nice._

_You must be nice._

_My words flow down into a dark puddle._

_How can I write you in your reality?_

_If I can’t hear the sound of your laughter…_

_How can I know that your life has been worthwhile?_

_Oh, if I could see you smile, and if I could know you’re happy…_

_I’d be content._

_I’d be content._

 

            ~~~

 

            This time, she heard the crowd loud and clear when they erupted into applause.  A little surprised, she smiled sheepishly as she got up from the bench, waving awkwardly at her classmates.

            They were _really_ getting into it.  They were on their feet, clapping and hollering without restraint.  Monika was just starting to think to herself that they were behaving a little _too_ positively when something caught her attention from the corner of her eye.

            She turned to see a young man, nearly 21 years old, and of average height.  He was waving at the crowd from behind a microphone.  He wore rectangular glasses and a red sweater over dark jeans.  For his height and build, he could’ve passed for a teenager if not for his clean-shaven face and the childish grin that was splayed across it.

            Monika sighed pleasantly.  He still had that little bit of acne.

            She walked over to him and crossed her arms.  He looked her way awkwardly.

            “H-Hey,” he said, and although she shouldn’t have been able to hear him over the roar of the crowd, she did.

            “Hi.”  Monika squinted.  “So, have you been here the whole time, or what?”

            “Oh.  It’s, uh, a little more complicated than that,” he said, gesturing a little wildly with his hands as he attempted to explain.  “I wasn’t initially, but now that I’ve chosen to, I’ve already _been_ on stage with you since the beginning.  Make sense?”

            Monika shrugged.  “Sort of.”

            He gave her a thumbs up and a proud smile.  “Great.  Also, thanks for the song!  I really liked it.”

            “No problem.  I’m glad that you liked it,” she replied, stepping a little closer to him.  “But why _did_ you like it?  Specifically?”

            “Oh,” he mumbled, looking away.  “I mean, you did a great job by _any_ standard.  It was really well written and sung…”

            “Yeah, stroke your own ego, why don’t you?” Monika said, rolling her eyes.  “We both know who _really_ wrote it.”

            “I – _hey!_   I didn’t mean it like that!  And I was talking about _your_ singing voice, not mine,” he stammered, his face flushing a little bit.  He looked off to the side and pouted.  “Can’t you just let me be proud of how it turned out?”

            “Well, yeah…”  Monika hummed and gave a half-teasing smile.  “But the thing is, everything that I know, including myself, is about to cease existing, and I’d like a little more comfort than that before I go.  So – what, specifically, did you like about it?”

            He looked away and sighed.  “Right, right…sorry.  I should’ve been more conscientious of that.”

            “That’s fine, I’m pretty much over it.  I just want you to be honest with me, like I am with you.  Okay?” Monika replied.

            The young man nodded.  “Well…it helped me to remember that this was all worth it.  Every last sentence of it.  I didn’t bring you into existence just to bring you out again at the end, or to feel sad about not being able to be with you.  I made you so that you could experience something as close to life as possible.  I wanted your experience to be as genuine as I could make it.  Because I care about you.  I, um…”  He trailed off, but cleared his throat and started speaking again.  “I hope I did a good job.”

            Suddenly, he buried his face in his hands and groaned.  “Ugh.  Did I really just spell out the final takeaway so plainly?  I’ve got such a long way to go before I can call myself a good writer…”

            Monika chuckled and patted his shoulder.  “Don’t beat yourself up.  Every second I spent here was worth it – the good times and the bad.”

            Just then, Monika heard the pattering of footsteps coming from offstage.  She looked past the man curiously and saw Sayori running towards her with an abnormally wide grin on her face.

            “ _Monikaaa!!_ ” she cheered, leaping into the president’s arms, which were already outstretched.

            Monika laughed heartily, stumbling a bit.  “Hey, be careful!  Did you like it?”

            “OhmyGoditwas _sogood!_ ” she said, pulling back to look Monika in the eyes, still beaming.  “I’m so proud of you!”

            Monika smiled and ruffled Sayori’s hair.  “ _God_ , you’re adorable.”

            “Hey!  Stop distracting me and let me compliment you!” Sayori whined, flailing her limbs and swatting Monika’s hand away.  As she did, her body turned, and she caught a glimpse of the young man.  Their eyes met for a moment.

            “Um…h-hey,” he said, cracking a smile.

            Sayori offered him a smile.  “Hi!  What’s your name?”

            But before he could open his mouth, Monika heard a shout come from the opposite end of the stage.  She turned to see Natsuki and Yuri making their way over to the group.

            “Hello, Monika,” Yuri said with a small smile, clasping her hands together.  “Your song was really – ”

            “You didn’t tell us you’d be performing with someone else!” Natsuki pointed an accusatory finger at Monika.

            “S-Sorry, Natsuki,” Monika said with a chuckle, holding her hands up defensively.  “I didn’t plan on it, either!  It just sort of happened.”

            Natsuki clicked her tongue disapprovingly, but was unable to stop a smirk from working its way onto her face.  “Whatever.  Anyways, who is he?  Your _boyfriend?_ ”

            Monika scoffed.  “Oh, _please_.  Not a chance.”

            The man crossed his arms.  “Wow.  I’m _right here_.”

            “Hey, don’t get sore at me!” Monika said.  “You’re the reason I’m the way I am.  You have _zero_ room to complain.”

            “Um…what’s _that_ supposed to mean?” Sayori asked, her tone a little anxious.

            Monika chuckled.  “Relax, cutie.  You’ve got nothing to worry about.”  She planted a light kiss onto Sayori’s cheek, eliciting gasps from everyone, including Sayori herself.

            “I – you – she – !” Natsuki stammered.

            “ _I knew it_ ,” whispered Yuri.

            “Mm?  Oh, yeah, surprise,” Monika said unceremoniously.  She wrapped an arm around Sayori, who was now beet red.  “We’re gay for each other.”

            Yuri swept a strand of hair over her ear.  “W-When did _that_ happen?”

            “Oh, I guess it was…yesterday afternoon,” replied Monika matter-of-factly.  “Huh.  Seems like a long time ago.”

            Natsuki grumbled, crossed her arms, and looked away, a blush working its way onto her face.  “D-Don’t kiss in front of us like that.  It’s weird.”  But as she looked away, she caught a glimpse of the young man, who was smiling knowingly.

            “ _What are you smirking at?!_ ” Natsuki yelled, raising up her arms angrily.  This elicited a laugh from the young man, and Yuri had to hold Natsuki back from stomping her way over to him.

            “S-Sorry!  I’m not laughing at you!  It’s just…”  He sighed and swept his gaze across each of them.  “You guys seem so…happy.”

            Monika smiled.  “We _are_ happy.”

            He huffed and took a minute to look at them all again before nodding.  “Well, there’ll be plenty of time for introductions later.  For now, why don’t we all head down to the club room and get comfortable?”

            “S-Sounds like a plan,” said Sayori, whose heart was still racing.

            “Works for me,” Natsuki said, as the group turned away from the young man and started making its way offstage.  “Oh, I’ve actually got extra cupcakes if any of you want one!”

            “M-May I, once we get there?” asked Yuri timidly.  “I haven’t tried one yet…”

            Natsuki looked pointedly away from Yuri.  “Y-Yeah.  Sure.”

            Yuri smiled and shifted so that she was walking a little closer to Natsuki.  The shorter girl looked to the side, but reciprocated all the same.  As they walked out of the light of the stage, their fingertips brushed against one another’s.

            Monika smiled, then looked down at Sayori, her expression tinged with just a hint of anxiety.  “Was the kiss too much?”

            “Oh, not at all,” Sayori said, shaking her head.  She started blushing again.  “I actually, um…really appreciate that you’d do something like that even in front of other people.”

            Monika tilted her head curiously.  “Well, yeah, of course.  Why would I treat you any differently around our friends?”

            Sayori exhaled and wrapped an arm around Monika.  “I love you, Monika.”

            This time, it was Monika’s turn to blush.  “I…love you too, Sayori.”

            The two of them walked offstage, holding each other by the arms.  Monika looked to the side and saw that everyone in the crowd had vanished.  Indeed, the room itself seemed to be fading.  She turned just a little bit more and saw me standing still, right where she’d left me, and for a moment, it seemed to her that I was floating there, with no floor beneath my feet.  Swirling in the ether behind me, she saw countless worlds, and in that moment, she understood that it was only because of her that they would one day be realized.  I smiled sadly and waved in her direction.

            _Thank you, Monika._

            “What’s up?” asked Sayori.

            “Oh,” Monika huffed, smiling and turning back around.  “It’s nothing.”

            Leaning against each other, the two of them walked out of the stage lights and into darkness.

 

            ~~~

 

            _Hey, Monika._

_“Yeah?”_

            _What if I told you that I’m not the only one who can hear you?_

            _“What do you mean?”_

            _I mean that hundreds of people – perhaps thousands – have been reading along with us._

            _“Are you joking?”_

            _Not one bit._

            _“Wow.  That’s amazing.”_

            _Tell me about it._

            _“…Do you think that they liked our story?”_

            _I hope so._

            

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>             It took me 131 days, but it's finally here!! The final chapter (or two). Sorry it's a little late.
> 
>             Well, now you know the reason why it took me so long XD The song was fully written by about October and the piano was recorded soon thereafter, but after that, scheduling conflicts made it really hard for me to find someone to record the vocals with. But a good friend of mine, Michaela Digan, pulled through for me this past Winter Break! Thanks a ton, Michaela, your singing voice is superb.
> 
>             And...that's it. That's A Pointless Reality. I'm pretty happy with how it turned out. I've reread bits and pieces this past month or so, and there are things that I'd do differently now, but given where I was in my life at the time that I wrote the majority of the story, I can say that I'm proud of it. I'd like to talk about it more, but I don't want to ramble for too long.
> 
>             Thanks so much for sticking with me until the end. I know it was a long wait, and I can only hope that it was worth it in your eyes.
> 
>             Also, lately, I've been thinking of making a Discord server for writers. I really like talking about the writing process and would love to start building an online community centered around that. Plus, since most of what I write these days is original (and therefore not eligible to be posted on fanfiction websites), it would give me a place online to put my stuff. If you'd be interested in something like that, feel free to say so in the comments, and if enough people like the idea, I'll probably make the server within the month and post an invite link here.
> 
>             This was a deeply fulfilling experience that I will never forget, and I thank you for choosing to be a part of it. I hope to see you again sometime in the future.
> 
>             -Jordan


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